Stuff That Happened Before

April 21, 1998

NASHVILLE, Tennessee (CNN) - A Nashville resident's offhand comment, originally thought to be a bit of backwoods humor, is being taken more seriously tonight thanks to some dramatic amateur video footage that has Tennessee officials shocked.

On April 17, CNN interviewed Kim Yunker, a construction worker who witnessed firsthand the massive tornado that cut a swath of destruction through downtown Nashville last week. Yunker stated, "It looks like the Jolly Green Giant [came] over here and started stepping on everything."

"We all thought [Yunker's] statement was just a really dumb comment," said Cooter McJenkins, Nashville's Commissioner of Vegetable Relations. "I mean really, REALLY dumb. Like dumb as a bag of hammers dumb. Like 'go find this gal's uncle and tell him he's a father' dumb. I mean who in their right mind would think the Green Giant would be stompin' all over Nashville? He's jolly!"

Earlier today, however, police received a videotape made by an anonymous Nashville resident. The footage seems to indicate that the gigantic emerald vegetable spokesperson may indeed be responsible for the massive damage inflicted on the city.

Officials at Green Giant Corporation could not be reached for comment, but the Giant's former "longtime companion", Li'l Sprout, has been very outspoken about the incident. "'Ho ho ho', my ass," said Sprout, "you get a little bit of Boone's Farm into that big leafy bitch and he goes on the rampage. And the flatulent bastard's always got a gut full o' lima beans and creamed corn, so a tornado's just about the best you could hope for. Just be glad nobody lit a match."

Meanwhile, the faithful gather at the Tulip Street Methodist Church, one of several churches literally picked up and torn asunder by the twister. Parishioners are working together to rebuild their shattered place of worship, in spite of the obvious logical conclusion: that God hates them.

"We must continue to have faith in the Holy Spirit," said Rev. Cooter McJenkins. "There was a moment that we thought that maybe Satan really had it in for us, when Al Gore came to town." McJenkins said it was one churchgoer's sudden realization that kept him from losing hope: "At least it wasn't Jimmy Carter."

March 25, 1998

WASHINGTON (AP) - The Grand Jury today rejected claims that Socks, the First Cat, is involved in official duties of the Presidency and, as such, is covered by executive privilege. The ruling was made despite insistence by White House counsel that Socks is responsible for most of the Administration's foreign policy decisions.  

As a result, testimony of several Clinton aides regarding conversations with Socks will be admitted as evidence in the Monica Lewinsky case. One such testimony was given this afternoon by Communications Director, Sidney Blumenthal: "I asked Socks whether he had seen Lewinsky alone with the President in the Oval Office on any occasion. He replied, 'Mrow. Mrow, mrow. Mrow mew mrow; meow mrow. Fft fft.' Then he hunkered down and shat in the corner."  

The shat in question could not be located, and prosecutors are speculating that members of the White House staff may have shredded it. Neither Lewinsky nor First Dog, Paula Jones, were available for comment.  

JONESBORO, Arkansas (CNN) - In a live interview with CNN, Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee stated today that gratuitous violence depicted in movies and television is the cause of Tuesday's shootings at Westside Middle School, and that Southern "Culture" should not be blamed.  

"This tragedy has nothing to do with the fact that our state's favorite pastime is drinking warm Pabst and blowing the heads off of bunnies," he said, intermittently spitting brownish tobacco goo into an old preserves jar. "It's also absurd to claim that Arkansas state law, which permits an 11-year old to own and use an automatic weapon, is somehow at fault."  

Huckabee went on to say that even if firearms had not been as available as dirt, the media-addled boys probably would have lured their classmates outside with the fire alarm and "hit them individually over the head with a great big ol' mallet". 

 Home, James