The Pancake Salutes Darwinism at it's Best

Ascension in Seven Easy Steps by SO A Needle Pulling Thread
Just Do It!

So you're watching the 11 O'clock news coverage of a bunch of freaks in Nikes who are lying dead with plastic bags and purple sheets over their heads just because some other freak told them to. And you're thinking to yourself, "Man, I wish I had that kind of power over people. I can't even get my roommate to quite farting in my face while I'm asleep." Well, the fact is, even a fart-face like yourself can have a bunch of Nike-wearing dorks hanging on your every word - if you go about it the right way. Here are a few simple tips to get you well on your way to mass suicide:

Know where to recruit your followers - It takes a very special kind of person to want to follow somebody like you around. We're talking the lowest of the low here, the guys and gals who got the crap beat out of them three or four times daily by their schoolmates, their parents, and their local minister. The kind of perpetual losers who would sell one or both kidneys just to hang out with others of their ilk and feel like they finally belong somewhere, anywhere. So after you've combed through the Greek system and the Guardian office, what's your next logical step? The Internet, of course! No bigger hotbed of pathetic losers exists anywhere. Whip up a welcoming web site that says, "Hey, even though you're a forty-seven year old virgin who looks like the guy from Mask on a bad hair day, we won't beat the crap out of you!" The path to your door will be worn from the footsteps of a thousand CS majors.

Open your eyes reeeaaallly wide - I mean REEAAALLLY wide. If it doesn't look like your face has balls, you're not doing it right. If you walk around like this all the time, your fruitcakes…er…I mean followers will get the impression that, no matter where they go, you can see what they're doing. Have you ever seen a portrait of Jesus where the eyes didn't seem to be following you? Well, there ya go.

No fucking - Nothing can ruin a harmonious leader-sheep relationship like the introduction of sex. The fact is, if your cult members get their hormones a'ragin', they aren't going to give a rat's ass what you tell them. To this end, make sure the women in your cult are so horrifyingly hideous that the Elephant Man wouldn't take the opportunity to screw them. Then, just in case, castrate all of the men in your cult who resemble the Elephant Man. As for your own carnal desires, you can always head into town at night with the collective bankroll to "meet with the aliens", if ya catch my drift.

Spray a little bit of Lysol Country Gardens Scent on everything you eat - Even the most hardened cynic will turn believer when they find out your shit smells like roses.

Come up with an awe-inspiring name - I can't emphasize this strongly enough: If you don't have a cool name, nobody will kill himself for you. You need to pick a name that has a real mystique about it, something simple and natural, yet powerful. Music and nature make excellent source material. A strong moniker suck as "Allegro" or "Wind" can really give you that extra je ne sais quoi that makes people sit up and think, "Fuckin' A! This guy talks to aliens!" Come up with a name like "Pansy" or "Spice Girl", however, and you're liable to wake up in the middle of the night with 39 ugly women and nutless men farting in your face.

Control their viewing habits - It's important that you limit your cult's exposure to the outside world, lest the members catch wind of what a kook you really are. Thus, it's absolutely key that you carefully filter their television exposure. Avoid anything produced by Aaron Spelling, as it's sure to whip your followers into a frothing frenzy o' lust (see "No fucking" above). Avoid anything starring his daughter, Tori Spelling, as it's sure to be really shitty. If your cult has a science fiction theme, be sure they watch "The X Files" every week, but tell them it's the news.

You CAN take 'em with you - Catch wind that you have terminal cancer? National Guard and ATF setting up kindling around the perimeter of your compound? Looks like it's time to martyr yourself for the cause. But what to do with your flock? What kind of use will your glassy-eyed throng of mindless cattle be to society without you to herd them? The obvious solution is to convince them to off themselves too. Not only will their loving show of total devotion send you out with a smile on your face, but you can think of it as your final gift to the world.