DISCLAIMER AND AUTHOR'S NOTE: All Buffy The Vampire Slayer stuff belongs to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and Warner Brothers. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fiction. All other characters that appear belong to me. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies may be made for private use only and must include this copyright notice and disclaimer. There is some subtext in this story. If this kind of stuff is not legal where you live, if you're under 18 or if you don't like the notion of two women being in love, then you should find something else to read. This one was inspired by Pat Kelly's Who Am I? and is situated after the Buffy The Vampire Slayer episode Who Are You.

Disgust and Love
By Kristjan Brezovnik

Faith was… sick. Yes, that's what she was. And that was a gross understatement. She was sick all right, but it had nothing to do with her body and everything with her mind. For the first time she was fully aware of just how badly she had screwed up. Sure, she had a lousy life before she got to Sunnydale, but from then on, it went downhill, straight to hell and below. She had had many choices and she hadn't make a single one that she could be proud of. And now she was fully aware of that fact. It hurt. Like hell.

First, her dad had left and her mom then treated her worse than a slave, so she had run away. Her friends back in Boston had been treating her only slightly better and the first person that had actually cared for her was her Watcher, whom she had witnessed being killed by Kakistos. She had ran away again, too afraid to face Kakistos.

She had came to Sunnydale, hoping her life would change, especially when she had met Buffy. She liked the other Slayer, even though she sometimes had the feeling that she was just a sort of a backup, especially when they had faced Kakistos. She had tried to fit in with Buffy's friends and even with Buffy's mother, but somehow she had screwed that up as well. She had blamed them for not including her in their sessions, feeling that they didn't appreciate her.

And then, after the first murder, she had joined the Mayor, knowing that he would appreciate her, but she had failed to see that she was merely a toy in his sick hands, even though she was a useful toy. And then Buffy had come to get her to save Angel. She hated, no, she had hated, the vampire with a soul because he had Buffy's love. She had refused to help Buffy save him and Buffy went medieval on her. But even then, she saw, even though Buffy was angry with her, she still wanted to help her and that's why she had given her a clue as to how to defeat the Mayor. And she had felt her kiss. She shuddered, pushing away the thought of one of the rare moments when she had felt happy.

When she had woken up, she had learned that no one had really missed her, that things were back to normal, as normal as they could be, considering that this was Sunnydale, home of the Hellmouth. And then she had found the Mayor's so-called gift to her and his message in which he told her that he actually had no faith in her, but she didn't think about it then, she just wanted Buffy to pay, even though it wasn't Buffy's fault but her own.

She remembered being Buffy, living her life, being loved by her mom, having fun with her friends, fighting her battles. She envied her, but she knew that it wasn't Buffy's fault that her life turned out the way it did. And now that it was over, she felt sick about what she had done, every single thing, except those few things that she somehow did right, but what she felt sorry about the most was when she had changed bodies with Buffy. She felt that she had somehow violated Buffy and that hurt the most, especially since she really, really liked her. Still, she had let the Mayor play her so well.

She decided to end the pain once and for all. She considered how to do it and finally decided on jumping off a building, after all, it would be only suitable to finish what Buffy had started in the same way. She thought for a while and then decided to jump off a church. She had fought evil to help people, but god or whoever was in charge up there didn't do anything to help her.

When she was nearing the church, she decided to call Joyce. She rather liked the woman and she envied Buffy for having such a good mother. But the reason she wanted to call her didn't have anything to do with her, it had to do with her successor, the next Slayer.

When she entered the church, she looked at the altar and spat at it angrily. Then she broke into the vestry and looked for a phone. Then she dialed.

"Hello? Mrs Summers? It's me, Faith. I just want you to tell Buffy to make sure my successor doesn't become like me."

She hung up and went to the bell-tower.

"Faith? Faith?!"

Joyce was worried and confused and she had a bad feeling about what Faith's words meant. She quickly called Giles.

Buffy was slowly walking down the street. Her patrol was going quietly, only three new vamps, fresh from the graves, which she had disposed of easily. She was just passing the church when something suddenly fell on the passing truck, which was delivering water. The driver hit the breaks and stopped. He quickly got up to see what had happened and to check the damage.

Buffy heard a scream, an angry scream, she realized, and approached the truck. Suddenly the water bottles began moving and Buffy realized that whoever had fallen onto the truck was getting off.

"You stupid moron! Who taught you how to drive?"

"What the…"

The reply from the driver was cut off and a crash was heard. Buffy started to run and managed to catch a glimpse of Faith, who was returning to the church.

"Are you okay?" she asked the driver, who nodded and mumbled something in reply, nursing his jaw.

Buffy ran into the church and looked around, but Faith was nowhere to be seen. She stopped and listened. She heard Faith's steps and followed her into the bell-tower.

This time Faith removed the grate on the opposite side. She looked around to make sure that no one would interfere with her plan this time. She also decided not to close her eyes this time, she wanted to see the concrete. She heard footsteps coming up the stairs and she grinned. Whoever was coming up would be too late. She took a deep breath and let herself fall.

Buffy got up just in time to see Faith as she started to fall. She ran and then jumped, just barely catching Faith by her pants.

Faith screamed furiously and looked up to see who was stopping her this time. She was surprised to see Buffy and she just stared at her for a moment, before she started to kick at her hand to let her go.

"Let me go!" she screamed as she kicked Buffy.

But Buffy resisted and she started to swing Faith until she gained enough momentum to throw her to safety. Faith crashed to the floor, but was quickly back on her feet.

"Don't you think it's a little too late?" she asked Buffy, eyeing her furiously.

"Faith…"

"Don't Faith me. Get out of my way."

"No," Buffy said determinedly.

"Fine, then we die together," Faith said and ran toward Buffy, trying to ram her.

Buffy was surprised for a moment, but then she quickly dropped to the ground and wrapped her legs around Faith's, tripping her. Faith crashed to the floor and Buffy quickly straddled her.

"Let me go!" Faith screamed furiously as she tried to escape Buffy's grasp.

Buffy considered what to do, she knew she couldn't hold her like that for long. She finally decided to knock her out. Then she sat beside her and observed her, considering what to do. She was confused, she didn't know why Faith was trying to kill herself. She was worried.

She frowned. She was worried? About Faith? She thought about it. Sure, Faith was dangerous, but for some reason she was worried about her. She wondered what was going on in Faith's mind.

Her thinking was interrupted by the distant sound of sirens. She quickly picked up Faith and carried her down to the vestry. She rummaged around the closets and took several rope belts. She tied Faith's arms and legs and carried her out through the back door. Her mind was telling her to let the police handle her, but something inside her was telling her to give Faith a chance to explain. She needed to know and she wanted to help Faith.

Once they were safely away from the church, Buffy thought about where she could hide Faith. Angel's old place came to mind and she carried her there. She knew that the rope belts wouldn't hold Faith for long and she decided to get the shackles from the mansion. She tied Faith to the bed and then ran to the mansion.

When she got back, Faith was slowly regaining consciousness. She quickly put the shackles on and removed the belts. Just as she finished, Faith opened her eyes and looked around. She quickly noticed she was shackled and she screamed furiously.

"Faith."

Faith looked at Buffy with a murderous look.

"So, you want to make me suffer," she said.

"No, I…"

"Go ahead, give it your best."

"No, I don't want to torture you."

"Then why didn't you let me die?"

Buffy stared at Faith, shocked.

"Why do you want to die?" she asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" Faith asked sarcastically. "You can keep me chained here, but you can't stop me from dying."

"Faith…" Buffy started, but Faith closed her eyes and turned her head away.

Buffy stared at her for a while, trying to understand why Faith would suddenly want to die. She tried talking to her several times, but Faith completely ignored her, so she finally left.

When she was gone, Faith opened her eyes again and stared at the door for a while. Then she tried to free herself, but the shackles held and she realized that she wasn't going anywhere. She finally stopped struggling and stared at the ceiling for a while. This most certainly wasn't her day. Twice she had tried to kill herself and both times something had saved her. And now she was Buffy's prisoner. Well, Buffy may have chained her, but that didn't mean she could save her life.

"Buffy?" Joyce asked when she heard the door open.

"Hi, Mom."

"Faith called."

Buffy looked at her, confused.

"When?"

"About an hour ago. I called Mr Giles and he said he would try to contact you."

"What did she want?"

"She told me to tell you to make sure her successor doesn't become like her," Joyce reported and Buffy stared at her. "If I'm not mistaken, she might try to kill herself."

Buffy sighed.

"I know."

Joyce was surprised.

"You do?"

Buffy nodded.

"Yeah. She threw herself off the church, but crashed onto a delivery truck. She tried again, but I stopped her."

Joyce stared at her daughter, surprised and shocked at the same time.

"Where is she now?"

"I took her to Angel's old place and chained her there."

"Why didn't you call the police?"

Buffy hesitated.

"I don't know. I don't want them involved. This is between me and Faith."

Joyce thought for a moment.

"Is she all right?"

"Her body will recover," Buffy said and Joyce understood the unspoken part.

"I'll call Mr Giles and tell him."

"No, don't tell him, I want to take care of this alone."

"But she's insane," Joyce objected, upset.

"I know," Buffy agreed, "but I need to do this alone."

"Why?" Joyce asked, concerned.

Buffy sighed.

"I don't know. I feel responsible for her. I need to know why she did the things she did."

Joyce considered Buffy's words and then reluctantly gave in.

"Then I'll just tell him that you are home."

Buffy nodded.

"Okay," she said and went to her room, thinking about Faith.

Next day, after school, Buffy went to Faith again with some food. When she opened the door, she was relieved that Faith was still there, but when she saw her eyes, she had a bad feeling that something was wrong. She quickly approached the bed and looked into Faith's eyes. They were empty. She waved her hand in front of Faith's face, but Faith didn't react.

"Faith?" she asked, but there was no response. "Faith!" she called and gently shook her, but, again, there was no response.

Now Buffy was worried. She shook her as strongly as she could, but Faith didn't react. She slapped her, but there was still no response. She checked her pulse and was relieved that Faith was still alive. She sat on a chair and stared at Faith, confused, not knowing what was wrong with her or what to do to help her.

During the following week, Buffy spent as much time with Faith as she could. She went to her after school and stayed with her until it was time to go on patrol. She also paid her a brief visit after each patrol. But Faith remained catatonic. Joyce also started to get worried when Willow, Xander and Giles came to her and asked her about Buffy's strange behavior. She didn't tell them much, only that Buffy needed to deal with it alone, but she grew more worried by the day. She decided to talk to Buffy when she came home for the weekend. But it was Buffy who brought it up.

"Mom… I need to talk to you."

"Sure, honey," Joyce said and they went to the sofa.

Joyce patiently waited for Buffy to start.

"I'm worried," Buffy finally started. "About Faith. She hasn't moved in a week. I tried to talk to her, but it's like she's in a coma or something. She hasn't eaten either." She paused for a moment. "I think she's still trying to kill herself and I don't know how to help her."

Joyce caressed her, proud and concerned at the same time.

"Perhaps you should let police handle it," she suggested, but Buffy shook her head.

"No. They'd just throw her in a nut house or something and put her on IV. I want her to live. I want her to want to live." She paused. "I want her to be happy," she added quietly.

Joyce raised her eyebrows, surprised. She thought Buffy hated Faith for all she had done. She herself felt angry at Faith for what she had done to her and to Buffy. But then again, she didn't know Faith as well as Buffy did.

"Do you feel responsible for her?" she asked.

Buffy nodded.

"Yes. I mean, I know she made her choices, but I wonder if I've missed something, something important."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. She's a good actress. She acted tough all the time, but perhaps what she wanted was help."

"I see." Joyce sighed. "I don't know how to help you, I don't know her as well as you do."

Buffy nodded.

Another week passed and Willow finally had enough.

"Okay, that's it," she said and blocked the door out of their room, stopping Buffy from going on patrol.

Buffy looked at her, confused.

"Will?"

"Talk to me, Buffy, I'm your friend. Almost two weeks have passed since you started to act strangely and it's gotten worse. What's wrong?"

Buffy sighed. She didn't want to discuss it, but she didn't want to worry Willow either.

"It's Faith," she said. "She's dying."

Willow stared at her for a few moments, speechless.

"What… What do you mean?" she then asked.

"She tried to kill herself, twice, but I saved her. Now she's just lying like in a coma, dying."

Willow stared at her best friend, surprised.

"Why would Faith want to kill herself?" she finally asked.

"I don't know," Buffy said, depressed. "And I don't know how to help her."

Willow stared at Buffy, confused. She herself didn't like Faith much, not after all she had done, and it surprised her that Buffy, of all people, would be worried about her. But, she was her best friend and she didn't want her to worry. If she didn't know better, she would think Buffy was in love with Faith. But then again, stranger things had happened in Sunnydale.

"I don't know either," Willow said.

Buffy smiled bitterly.

"Can I go now?" she asked.

Willow stepped aside and Buffy left.

Before going on patrol, Buffy went home, she needed to talk to her mother. Joyce immediately noticed that Buffy was really depressed and it worried her. She sat on the sofa and Buffy joined her.

"Still no change?" she asked and Buffy shook her head.

"I'm scared, Mom," she said and Joyce raised her eyebrows, surprised. "I don't want her to die."

Joyce put her arm around Buffy and held her, thinking. She had found Buffy's behavior strange at first, but now she was beginning to understand her. At least she hoped she was. However, the conclusion she had come to was so unbelievable that she refused to believe it at first, but the longer she observed Buffy, the more sure she was that her conclusion was correct. And she didn't like it. But Buffy apparently wasn't aware of it. She decided to ask her, but she waited until Buffy calmed down.

"Buffy, are you in love with Faith?" she finally asked, hoping to get a negative answer.

Buffy looked at her mother, shocked.

"Excuse me?" she said, surprised. "What do you mean?"

"Well, I've been observing you for the past two weeks and Willow as well. You're worried about Faith and afraid she would die. I know you care about her a lot, probably not just like a friend."

Buffy stared at her mother, shocked. She was suggesting that she was in love with Faith? Another girl? The person who was on top of her list of people who had hurt her the most? And it was her mother that actually suggested it? Buffy found it weird that her mother would even think of something like that. She frowned. But what if she was right?

Buffy shook her head.

"No," she said. "She's just… a friend."

"Are you sure?" Joyce asked hopefully.

"Yes," Buffy said and got up. "I gotta go now, the vamps are waiting."

Buffy quickly left, disturbed, and Joyce wondered if she had done the right thing.

Her thoughts were a distraction for Buffy as she walked around, stalking the vampires. Fortunately, there weren't many around that night and she went to Faith earlier. She stared at her, sitting beside her, and thought about what her mother had told her, wondering if it was true. Was she really in love with Faith?

Joyce was also wondering if it was true and she wondered how she would feel if it was. She knew Buffy had a hard life, being a Slayer and all, and she didn't want to make it harder for her. But still, she had never imagined Buffy being in love with another girl. She didn't know any female couples and she decided to find out what they were like. But the thought that the girl in question was Faith still bothered her. She had liked Faith when she had first met her, but after she had learned what she had done, she liked her less. And when Faith used her as a hostage for Buffy and then switched bodies with her, she didn't like her anymore. In fact, she hated her for hurting Buffy. But then she remembered their conversation while they were waiting for Buffy. She realized that Faith was hurt and alone, but then she was too angry to listen or to care. And now Faith wanted to die.

She sighed, wondering if Faith was really sorry or was everything, their conversation and now her wish to die, all just an act. She didn't know, but she decided to make sure Faith wouldn't hurt Buffy again.

When Buffy came to her again a week later, Joyce noticed that Buffy was like a zombie herself, so worried she barely noticed what was going on around her. And that made Joyce very worried. She took her hand and led her to the sofa.

"It's okay with me if you love another girl," she said and Buffy looked at her, surprised.

"Mom?"

"I've been to Los Angeles on Wednesday and I visited a lesbian club," Joyce told her.

"I'm not lesbian," Buffy objected. "I prefer boys to girls, it's just… I don't know." She thought for a moment. "I love Faith," she then admitted aloud.

Joyce frowned, disappointed, and put her arms around Buffy.

"I know," she said. She noticed that Buffy was trembling. "What's wrong?"

"She'll die soon," Buffy said quietly and sobbed.

Joyce thought for a while, holding Buffy.

"There's only one thing you can do," she finally said.

"What?" Buffy asked hopefully and looked at her.

"You have to tell her how you feel and then let her decide for herself if she wants to live or die."

Buffy gulped.

"And if she chooses to die?"

"Then let her. It will be over for her and you will finally be able to mourn and move on."

Buffy stared at her mother, shocked. She didn't like the idea, but she knew that her mother was right, because if she didn't do anything, Faith would die. She sighed and tears started to run down her cheeks. Joyce hugged her and Buffy started to cry.

Buffy skipped patrol that night and went straight to Faith, carrying the dagger that the Mayor had given Faith and with which she had stabbed Faith. She stared at Faith for a while, hoping it would work, and then unchained her. She kissed her on the forehead.

"I love you, Faith," she said hoarsely and put the dagger into Faith's right hand.

Then she sat down, took her left hand and waited. Nothing happened for a while and Buffy was beginning to believe that she was too late. Then, finally, Faith moved.

Although Faith was mostly catatonic, she still paid attention to her surroundings from time to time, but she wasn't quite sure when her mind was playing tricks on her and when it was real. So when she felt herself being unchained, she thought that she was imagining things, but when she felt a kiss on the forehead and then heard somebody tell her she was being loved, she started to doubt whether it was just her imagination. When she felt something hard being put into her hands, she decided to find out what was going on and she started to concentrate. Then she felt someone take her hand and caress it and a few moments later, she felt something wet on her skin.

"Faith?" Buffy asked and gently squeezed her hand.

Faith slowly turned her head and her eyes focused on Buffy. She was confused. She though she had heard someone say she was being loved, but could it be Buffy? It was very unlikely, yet there she was, holding her hand and crying. Crying? Faith couldn't believe it, nor did she understand why Buffy was crying. Then she remembered that she had something in her right hand. She slowly turned her head and raised her hand enough to see what it was. She was surprised when she saw it was the dagger the Mayor had given her, the same dagger with which Buffy had nearly killed her. She looked back at Buffy, confused.

Buffy took a deep breath. She wasn't sure how Faith would react, but anything was better than to watch her lie on the bed, slowly drifting towards death.

"I love you, Faith," she said, blushing slightly. "I know we haven't been on the best of terms," she quickly continued, "but for some reason I love you." She paused for a moment. "You've been here for three weeks and I've been watching you as you were dying." She smiled briefly. "Somehow my mom figured it out before I did." She took a deep breath. "I want to help you, Faith," she then said. "You have the dagger and if you want to kill yourself, I won't stop you. But if you choose to live, I promise I will help you."

Faith stared at Buffy, astonished, not quite believing her ears. Buffy loved her? It was like a dream come true, yet it seemed too good to be true. How could she? After all that she had done to her and her friends, to all the people that had once considered her their friend? But the dagger felt real and so did Buffy's hand and the tears that were falling on her hand. Suddenly she realized that she too was crying. She tried to stop it, but she couldn't. She jerked a bit when Buffy reached over and wiped her tears.

She stared at her fellow Slayer for a few moments, thinking about her options. She had death in her right hand and life in her left. Death was the easy way out, but she was reluctant to take that option, she had ran all her life, it was about time she stopped. She was scared, but if Buffy would help her and be there for her, she knew she could make it and redeem herself. Not to mention that if Buffy really loved her, life would be great.

"Life," she whispered.

"What?" Buffy asked, anxiously.

"Life," Faith repeated.

"You want to live?" Buffy asked, excited.

"Yes."

Buffy hugged Faith, tears of happiness streaming down her cheeks.

"I'm so happy," she whispered into Faith's hair. Then she pulled away and caressed her. "I'll take you home," she said. "Don't worry," she added with a smile, "Mom's okay with it."

Faith gulped and nodded.

Buffy put away the dagger and picked up the powerless Faith.

"Everything's gonna be all right," she said as she carried her out.

"Mom!" Buffy called when she got home.

Joyce quickly came.

"Yes… Faith!" She came closer and touched Faith's cheek. "How is she?" she asked coldly.

"She's powerless right now, she hasn't eaten in three weeks. Can you make her a soup or something?"

"Yes, of course."

"I'll wash her up first."

Joyce nodded and went to the kitchen.

Buffy took Faith upstairs, into the bathroom. She hesitated for a moment, but there was no other way than both of them getting into the shower naked. Buffy felt a bit weird going into the shower naked with another girl, but she knew it had to be done. Faith wanted to object, but Buffy ignored her.

"You need to get clean. You've been lying in the same dirty clothes for three weeks."

She carried Faith into the booth and sat her on the floor. She washed her gently, nervous because she was touching Faith's most intimate places. She didn't mean it to be erotic, but it was. She controlled herself and quickly finished washing Faith. Then she took her out of the booth and dried her. She wrapped her in towels and lay her on some more towels. Then she quickly, in probably a record time, showered herself. After she dried herself, she carried Faith to her room. There she put on a new pair of panties, a large T-shirt and a pair of socks. She dressed Faith the same and then carried her downstairs.

The soup was already ready and Joyce was sitting at the table, thinking about Faith. She looked pretty exhausted. She wondered if she had really changed or it was just another one of her sick games.

When Buffy sat Faith on a chair, Faith wanted to start eating, but she could barely lift her hand. Buffy hesitated her for a few moments and then decided to intervene.

"I'll help you," she said and took the spoon.

"No," Faith started to object, but Buffy stopped her.

"You can hardly lift your hand, Faith. Let me help you."

Faith stared at Buffy for a few moments and then nodded reluctantly. While Buffy fed Faith, Joyce quietly observed them, especially Faith. Buffy didn't mind, but Faith was feeling nervous. She knew she had hurt Joyce, directly and indirectly, and she felt bad about it. She considered leaving if Joyce wouldn't forgive her, but she realized that she would probably hurt Buffy if she left. It was a difficult situation, she didn't want Buffy to have to choose between her and her mother.

When they were done, Buffy carried her upstairs and laid her into her bed.

"I'll be right back," she told Faith and returned to her mother.

"Mom?"

Joyce looked at her.

"Yes, honey?"

"Will you take care of Faith?"

Joyce hesitated for a moment, not liking the idea of having Faith in the house, but she decided to play along for the moment.

"Okay," she agreed.

"Thanks," Buffy said and smiled, relieved. "I'll come every day before patrol and wash her."

Joyce nodded.

"Fine with me," she said.

"Thanks, Mom," Buffy said, gave Joyce a quick hug and a kiss and then left.

Before returning to her bed, she called Willow and told her she would spend the night at home. When she got back to her room, she realized that she would have to sleep somewhere else. But then she thought of Faith and she figured it would be a good idea if she remained close to Faith, at least for the night.

"Mind if I join you?" she asked.

Faith hesitated for a moment and then shook her head. Buffy gently pushed her closer to the wall and then lay beside her. Their arms touched and Buffy felt a tingle pass through her body. Then she felt Faith move her hand and she instinctively moved hers. Their palms covered one another and their fingers interlaced.

The next morning, after Buffy had gone, Joyce helped Faith get dressed and then brought her breakfast. Then she left, not caring how Faith ate it. Faith noticed Joyce's cold look and sighed, she had a lot of making up to do. She looked at the food and did her best to eat up. Fortunately Joyce had brought a towel, because Faith was weak and some of the food would have ended on her clothes had it not been for the towel.

Joyce returned half an hour later, judging that Faith had had enough time to eat. She picked up the platter and started to leave.

"Mrs Summers," Faith said, trying to speak as loud as she could, and Joyce turned.

"What?" she asked, coldly.

"I'm sorry. For hurting you and Buffy."

Joyce stared at Faith, not trusting her.

"I don't believe you," she said coldly and Faith bit her teeth and gulped. "You have hurt Buffy too many times and I don't want you anywhere near her. Right now I tolerate you because you are weak and Buffy seems to love you, but I want you out of the house as soon as you recover. Is that clear?"

Faith stared at Joyce for a while and then nodded. Joyce left. Faith sat still for a while and then tears started to run down her cheeks. She didn't blame Joyce for not trusting her, she wouldn't have trusted herself either if she was in Joyce's position. But it hurt. She had finally been given a chance, but now Buffy's mother was against her. She didn't want Buffy to have to choose between her and Joyce. She wasn't afraid of losing the contest, on the contrary, she knew that she would win it, but she didn't want to take Buffy's mother away from her. She sighed. There was only one thing she could do.

When she finally recovered two weeks later, Faith knew that the time had come for her to leave. But first, she had to hurt Buffy, make her hate her. She started to inconspicuously insult Joyce, sometimes when Buffy was not around, sometimes when she knew that Buffy would hear at least a part of what she said to Joyce. She could see that Buffy was confused and that sometimes she looked hurt. When she saw pain in Buffy's eyes, Faith desperately wanted to stop hurting her, but she knew she couldn't. Sometimes she allowed herself to cry, making sure Buffy or Joyce couldn't hear her. Then, when she knew that Buffy would soon decide to talk to her about her strange behavior, she decided to get the charade over with.

She whacked Joyce on the head and tied her to a chair. Then she broke a knife and glued it back together so that it looked as if it was whole. She positioned the knife so that when the chair would topple backwards, the knife would break on the wood. To Buffy, of course, it would look as though she wanted to kill her mother. When all was set, she waited for Buffy to come home.

When Joyce came around and noticed she was tied up, she looked around, worried.

"Faith," she said when she noticed the Slayer sitting on the sofa, waiting. "What's going on?" she demanded.

Faith stared at her for a few moments.

"I think it's obvious," she said.

"What are you going to do?" Joyce asked, worried.

Faith put on her best maniac grin.

"I'm going to kill you," she said and Joyce's eyes went wide. She thought for a moment. "No, I'm going to let Buffy do it."

"W… Why?"

Faith shrugged.

"Why not?"

"Look, Faith…"

"Shut up!" Faith screamed, this time really angry.

She knew that if Joyce continued talking, she wouldn't have the strength to carry out her plan. She got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a cloth. She stuffed it into Joyce's mouth and tied a small piece of rope around her head so Joyce wouldn't be able to spit the cloth out. Then she sat back on the sofa and avoided looking at her.

When Buffy finally came home from Giles, Faith was ready. She took a deep breath and put on her best murderous look.

"Mom! Faith?" Buffy said when she got in and saw her mom tied up to a chair and Faith standing behind her. "What's going on?" she asked, having the sinking feeling worthy of the Titanic.

Faith grinned and tilted the chair backwards.

"See the knife?" she asked. "The chair falls and your mom's history."

Buffy was worried, scared and hurt, all at the same time.

"Why?" she asked, feeling tears well up.

Faith grinned.

"Oh come now, you didn't actually fall for that lovesick routine, did you?" She cocked her head. "I've planned this a long time, B, and tonight your mom dies."

"Leave her out of it," Buffy said angrily.

"No can do, love. You see, if she dies, you will be hurt, not to mention my little betrayal." She smiled and batted her eyelashes. "I wanted to kill you as well but then I decided to let you live and remember the pain."

Buffy screamed and threw Mr Pointy at her. Faith turned aside and the stake missed its target, but Buffy used that moment to attack Faith. She pushed her aside and tried to get the knife, but Faith swept her off her feet.

"No, no, no, B, the knife stays," Faith said in a sing-song voice.

She grabbed Buffy's leg and dragged her away from the chair. Buffy kicked with her free leg and Faith had to let go of her. She positioned herself in front of Joyce and waited. Buffy tried a jump kick, but Faith stepped aside and pushed her onto Joyce.

"No!!" Buffy screamed as she crashed into her mother and the chair toppled over.

Faith stood still for a moment, worried, but when she saw that Joyce was okay, she ran away.

"Happy memories!" she called from the door and then vanished into the night.

"Mom?" Buffy said worried as she kneeled beside her.

"I'm okay, Buffy," Joyce said.

"But the knife."

"I don't know. Untie me."

Buffy quickly tore the ties and helped her mother sit. She looked at her back, but there was not blood. She removed the chair and heaved a sigh of relief when she saw that the knife had broken. She hugged her mother.

"She's gonna pay for this," she said menacingly.

"Look, isn't that Faith?" Tara asked and pointed at the figure running through the park.

"Yes, looks like her," Willow agreed.

"What do we do?"

Willow considered for a moment.

"Let's follow her."

The two witches followed the Slayer. Faith ran for a while and then stopped. Willow and Tara also stopped, making sure Faith didn't see them. Faith stood still for a while, breathing deeply, trying desperately not to cry, but finally her emotions got the better of her and she fell on her knees and started to cry. Willow and Tara looked at each other, surprised.

"Is she crying?" Tara asked.

"I think she's crying," Willow confirmed, surprised. "I wonder why."

Faith cried for a while, sick from what she had just done, until she calmed down. She kneeled for a while longer, thinking about her future. She had completely screwed up. She had hoped that Joyce would forgive her, but Joyce didn't and she didn't want her anywhere near her daughter. Faith didn't blame her, she knew that if she had a daughter who was in love with a psycho like her, she wouldn't want the psycho anywhere near her daughter.

When Faith moved on, Willow and Tara followed her. They soon realized that Faith was leaving town.

"Tara, run to Buffy, you know where she lives."

"What about you?" Tara asked, worried.

"Don't worry, I won't let her see me."

"Be careful."

Willow nodded, smiling.

"I will. Go now."

Tara ran away and Willow continued after Faith. She followed her for a while, when Faith suddenly disappeared. Willow stopped, worried, she had a bad feeling. She waited for a while and then slowly started to move on. When she got to the tree where she saw Faith last, Faith suddenly stepped from behind it. Willow quickly took a step back, surprised.

"What do you want?" Faith asked coldly and Willow could see traces of tears on her face.

"What? I… Em…"

"You were following me. Why?" Faith demanded.

Willow quickly pulled herself together.

"I wanted to know where you were going," she said, ready to defend herself in case Faith decided to attack her.

"I'm leaving town."

"So I see," Willow said slowly.

"Anything else?" Faith asked.

Willow hesitated for a moment.

"Where are you going?"

"Does it matter?"

"I'll sleep better knowing where you are."

Faith stared at her for a while.

"I don't know. Maybe LA." She stared at Willow for a few moments. "Go now."

Willow hesitated and then slowly backed off. Faith stared after her for a few moments and then continued on her way.

After a while, Willow looked back and saw that Faith was gone. She stopped and considered what to do. Then she got an idea, an invisibility spell. She took a deep breath, concentrating, and started to chant. When she was done, she looked around and then went after Faith again.

It took her a while to locate Faith, who was running by now. She followed her until Faith stopped where the road made a sharp turn and hid in the bushes. Willow was confused and she slowly approached Faith, hoping her spell was working. It apparently was, because Faith didn't see her.

They both waited, although Willow had no idea what for.

Finally a car came down the road, leaving the city. Willow noticed that Faith was getting ready for something. She was confused for a moment, but then she frowned, suddenly having a really bad feeling about what Faith was about to do.

"Faith, don't!" she called, but Faith didn't hear her. Willow was confused for a moment, but then she remembered the spell. "Faith, don't!" she called again when she countered the spell, but it was too late.

In the car, Buffy and Tara observed the road for signs of Willow or Faith while Joyce kept her eyes on the road.

"Look, there's Willow," Tara said when she noticed Willow, who was calling to Faith.

"Mom, look out!" Buffy suddenly called, noticing a movement just off the road.

Joyce also saw it and she hit the breaks, but the car still hit the person. Buffy was shocked when she saw that the person was Faith.

Willow saw the car hit Faith and throw her backwards like a rag doll. Faith rolled and bounced off the road until the inertia exhausted itself and remained lying still. Willow ran to her, pausing only briefly when she noticed that the car belonged to Joyce.

"Willow?" Buffy asked, surprised, when she saw her running to Faith.

"How is she?" Joyce asked, worried.

"She's still alive," Willow said as she checked Faith. "I don't think anything is broken, though a couple of ribs might be fractured." She looked at Buffy. "Why did she try to kill herself again? I thought you two were together now."

Buffy bit her teeth.

"We were. She lied, she's the same old Faith," Buffy said and went back to the car.

"How do you know she tried to kill herself?" Joyce asked.

"She was hiding in the bush over there for ten minutes. When she heard your car, she got ready and then ran straight in front of it."

Joyce stared at Faith, feeling guilty for some reason. She wasn't quite sure why, but she felt that she was responsible for Faith's last suicide attempt. She frowned, suddenly having a very bad feeling as to why Faith was trying to kill herself.

"We'll take her to my place," she said and Willow looked at her, surprised.

"Are you sure?"

Joyce nodded.

"Yes."

Joyce picked up Faith and carried her to the car, the two Wiccans following. Buffy stared at her from the car.

"Why are you helping her?" she asked her mother when Willow opened the door for Joyce to lay Faith on the back seat. "Just leave here there, we'd be doing her a favor."

Joyce gave her daughter a stern look.

"We' re taking her home," she said.

"Are you crazy?!" Buffy asked, surprised.

"Buffy," Joyce chided her.

"She's dangerous, Mom, you saw how she played with me."

"Perhaps," Joyce said thoughtfully.

"Perhaps?!" Buffy said, upset. "Mom…"

"That's enough, Buffy," Joyce interrupted her. "I'm taking her home."

"But Mom…"

"Buffy," Joyce said and gave her another stern look.

Buffy looked away, pouting. She felt hurt and betrayed and couldn't understand how her mother could still care for Faith.

When Faith woke up three days later, she had a major headache. Her whole body, especially her left side, hurt and she had trouble remembering who she was. Then it suddenly all came back to her and she wished like hell that it hadn't. The headache was bad enough, but headache with a bad conscience and several lifetimes worth of regret on top was almost unbearable. It hurt.

When she finally pulled herself together enough to start thinking coherently about something else than her screwed up life, she slowly opened her eyes and then quickly closed them again, the light being too bright. She tried again, this time very slowly and it seemed like eternity before she could fully open her eyes. And see nothing but endless whiteness. She was confused and she panicked for a few moments, but then her vision started to clear and shapes slowly began to appear out of the whiteness.

When her vision finally cleared, she stared at ceiling for a few moments and then frowned. She knew that ceiling. She turned her head to look around, but she quickly regretted as her neck protested most vehemently. She bit her teeth and waited until the pain subsided a bit. Then she slowly, very, very slowly turned her neck until her neck started to threaten to give her another load of pain. She stopped and used her eyes only to survey her surroundings. She bit her teeth when she realized that her first impression was correct. She knew that ceiling all right, as well as the rest of the room. She was in Buffy's house, but she had no idea how she got there.

She decided to leave, but when she tried to get up, every nerve in her body protested and she nearly passed out. When she pulled herself together again, she realized with a frown that she wasn't tied up and that she was bandaged. Okay, she understood the bandages, but she was confused about not being tied up. Not that she minded, it was just that after that last charade, she expected to be tied up. Well, she expected to be dead, but since she was still alive, she was surprised at not being tied up. Or in jail. Or any place but where she currently was.

She lay still, trying not to think about anything, but she failed. Her mind kept replaying her memories, none of which was a good one. Not that there were many good moments in her life, she could probably count them all on one hand and still have plenty of fingers left. She considered for a while whether to go zombie again, but when she tried it, her mind wouldn't shut itself out.

A tear ran down her cheek and then another, but she failed to notice them. Finally, after a while, she did. She slowly moved her hand to wipe them. She tried to control her tears, but she couldn't as her own mind kept torturing her. She started to tremble and sob. She was determined not to cry, but she failed. She turned on her right side, which hurt slightly less than her left, curled up like a fetus and let herself cry. She wasn't sure it would help, but she hoped it would.

Joyce had taken several days off, at least until Faith would wake up. She had taken some of her work home and she did what she could. When she was passing past the guest room, where Faith was, three days after the car accident, or should she call it Faith's suicide attempt, she heard some noise. She stopped, stepped closer to the door and listened. It sounded like sobs. She pushed the door open and looked in. She saw that Faith was curled up like a fetus, facing away from her. She also noticed that Faith was trembling. She listened and heard sobs. Faith was definitely crying. She stared at Faith for a few moments, feeling responsible for her current state, and then walked in.

Faith jerked, surprised, when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Faith?"

It was Joyce. Faith gulped and tried to stop sobbing. She didn't respond, not trusting her voice.

"How do you feel?" Joyce asked after a while.

"What do you think?" Faith said, hoping she was sounding convincingly angry.

"Why did you try to kill yourself?" Joyce asked.

Faith jerked, surprised. She wanted to turn around, but her body protested again and she groaned.

"Don't move," Joyce said.

"What do you care?" Faith said angrily, although she didn't really blame Joyce.

A brief silence followed as Joyce considered what to say.

"Do you love Buffy?" she finally asked.

Faith was surprised and she didn't answer for a while. She wasn't quite sure whether she should tell Joyce the truth or keep up the charade. She decided to tell her the truth since she wanted to know.

"Yes."

Joyce thought.

"Why did you try to kill yourself?" she asked.

Faith quietly lay still for a while and then slowly started to turn around. Joyce helped her. Faith avoided looking into Joyce's eyes, feeling ashamed.

"You didn't want me anywhere near Buffy and I didn't want to come between you, so I left."

"And that attack was only a charade?"

Faith hesitated for a few moments.

"Not entirely." She paused. "I was angry and a part of me enjoyed it."

"You wanted Buffy to hate you, so she wouldn't mourn you when you would have died?"

Faith bit her teeth and nodded.

"Yes."

They were both quiet for a while, Joyce absorbing the information, Faith wondering what Joyce's decision would be.

"I believe you," Joyce finally said. "I forgive you."

Faith was surprised to realize how tense she was while waiting for Joyce's answer. She felt much better now that Joyce had forgiven her, but there was still Buffy.

"Thank you," she said.

"I'm sorry for not believing you before, I…"

"I don't blame you," Faith said. "I wouldn't have believed me either if I was you." She thought. "How did I get here?"

"I brought you."

"You?" Faith asked, puzzled.

"Yes. You threw yourself in front of my car."

Faith paled. Could it possibly get any worse?

"I'm sorry."

Joyce smiled.

"I guess you can consider yourself lucky."

Faith smiled bitterly.

"How did you know I was trying to commit suicide?" she asked after a moment. "I could merely have been trying to cross the road."

"Willow told me."

"Willow?" Faith asked, puzzled. "But she wasn't there."

"She was. Apparently she had some sore of spell going on so you couldn't see her."

"Oh." Faith thought. "Does Buffy know?"

Joyce nodded.

"She was in the car."

Faith paled again.

"God," she whispered. "How… Does she know why…"

Faith trailed off, but Joyce knew what she wanted to ask.

"No," she said. "But don't worry, I'll tell her. Today."

Faith stared at Joyce for a few moments.

"You don't mind?" she then asked.

"Mind what?"

"That Buffy and I are… in love."

Joyce smiled.

"Not anymore." She thought. "Say, are you hungry?"

Faith nodded.

"Yes."

"I'll get you something to eat."

Faith nodded.

"Thank you."

Joyce smiled and left, leaving Faith to calm down and start thinking about the future.

When Buffy came home in the afternoon, Joyce was already waiting for her.

"Mom?" she asked.

"Come," Joyce said, took he hand and led her to the sofa. "Faith loves you," she said when they were sitting.

"Yeah, right," Buffy said, not believing her.

"She does. I'm afraid this last suicide attempt was my fault."

Buffy looked at her mother, confused.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when she got better, she said she was sorry, but I didn't believe her. I didn't want her anywhere near you and I told her to leave the house as soon as she got better. And she did, because she didn't want to stand between us. But she didn't want you to mourn her when she would have died, that's why she wanted you to hate her. As you can see, it worked."

Buffy stared at her mother, astonished.

"You mean she… she…" she started, tears threatening to break the dam.

Joyce nodded.

"Yes, she loves you. She's awake, go to her."

Buffy hesitated for a moment and then left.

Faith had heard Buffy come home and she was anxiously waiting for her to come up. Finally there was a knock and Buffy came in.

"Hi," she said uncertainly.

"Hi," Faith said back, avoiding her eyes.

Buffy hesitated for a moment and then went to the bed and sat beside Faith. She hesitated some more and then took Faith's hand.

"Mom told me what happened," she then said. "I'm sorry." She paused. "Will you stay?"

Faith looked at her.

"Do you want me to?"

Buffy nodded.

"Yes."

Faith hesitated for a moment.

"Okay," she agreed.

Buffy smiled. She lifted Faith's hand and kissed it.

"I love you," she said.

Faith gave her a surprised look and then smiled.

"I love you too."

They quietly stared at each other for a while, both glad that they were together.

"Em, I gotta go on patrol," Buffy finally said.

Faith nodded.

"I know."

"I'll come back tomorrow."

"Okay."

Buffy hesitated for a moment and then leaned closer. Faith was surprised for a moment and then smiled and prepared herself for a kiss. When Buffy saw that Faith wanted a kiss as much as she did, she leaned closer and they kissed.

"I feel better already," Faith said when they stopped kissing.

Buffy smiled.

"At least we'll have something pleasant to dream about tonight."

"And something to look forward to," Faith agreed.

"Yeah." Buffy got up. "Good night, Faith, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Good night, Buffy. Be careful.

Buffy smiled again.

"I will," she said and left.

Faith stared at the door for a few moments, thinking just how lucky she was, and then turned on her right side and went to sleep.

A couple of days later, when Faith recovered from the suicide attempt and when she gathered enough courage, they went to Faith's apartment. The place was a mess since nobody cleaned up after their fight when she had poisoned Angel. Faith looked around and sighed. It was home for a while, even though if it was a perverted kind of home.

"You actually wore this?" Buffy asked, interrupting her thoughts.

Faith looked and saw that Buffy was holding the dress which the Mayor had bought her. She walked to her, grabbed the dress and tore it apart. Buffy watched her, surprised.

"Sorry," Faith said, noticing Buffy's look. "It's just, well, it made me sick."

Buffy smiled.

"Okay." She looked around. "So, what do you want to take?"

Faith shrugged.

"I didn't have much."

She walked to the closet and started to pack the things that were hers before she met the Mayor.

"Hey, this is my photo," Buffy said, surprised, when she picked up what was probably the only photo in the apartment. "I was wondering where it was."

Faith looked and blushed when she saw the photo.

"I, well, I took it," she admitted.

Buffy smiled.

"You can keep it," she said.

Faith raised an eyebrow and then smiled.

"Thanks. Anyway, come here and hold the bag, will you?"

"Sure."

Buffy went to her and held the bag while Faith put her PlayStation in.

"That's it," Faith then said.

"That's all?" Buffy asked, surprised.

"Yeah. I didn't have much, you know."

"What about this other stuff?"

"The Mayor bought it. I don't want to have anything to do with it."

"Oh."

"Let's get out of here," Faith said, looking around like the place was haunted.

Buffy noticed her discomfort.

"Sure," she said and took her hand.

Faith looked at her, surprised, and smiled when she saw Buffy smile.

"Thanks," she said.

Buffy nodded.

"You're welcome. Come, let's go home."

The End