We are here on the windswept desert plains of southern Iraq. Behind me
are the remains of the ancient Sumerian city of Burp. It was at this very site
in 1847 that the famous English archeologist, Sir Dunce Blockhead, unearthed
what are still the earliest known examples of ancient Mesopotamian writing.
After three months of digging in the merciless summer heat, Blockhead and his
team came upon the remains of a Burpian schoolhouse dating back almost
6000 years. Inside this school house they discovered roughly 200 baked clay
tablets and several wall inscriptions written in a curious script which is now
known as Burpian II. The tablets remained untranslated until 1936 when
American Douglas Dingleberry discovered the remains of a 3rd century B.C.
Sumerian - Burpian II dictionary during his excavations at nearby Belch.
Dingleberry's subsequent translation of these tablets give us a rare look
at the day-to-day life of the scribal class in ancient Burp. For example, the
inscription on tablet #37 reads: "Yassubapur is a Wart Face!" From this
inscription we are able to deduce that warts on the face were considered a
mark of rank or distinction and that Yassubapur was a highly regarded
member of the community.
Tablet #58 says: "Give this note to Gilgammon, but don't let the teacher
find out". On the reverse we read: "Meet me by the swingset at recess,
Gilgammon, and bring the 25 cents you owe me." We find the following
incomplete inscription on the very next tablet : "Goshtammur, I paid you the
25 cents last week. Don't try to cheat me you ugly little (translation
unknown)." Tablet #60 reads: "Goshtammur and Gilgammon both have one
white slip and must stay after school today." This series of notes indicates
that both Goshtammur and Gilgammon must have been well-known and
wealthy patricians as well as scribal students. They were involved in a
sophisticated business venture together and were subsequently rewarded for
their efforts by a white certificate of achievement from the ruler of Burp.
Not all the inscriptions found at Burp are so easily interpreted, however.
Wall inscriptions #5 & #6 on the northern wall read: "Nintendo Rules!" and
"Donkey Kong is Way Cool!" What are we to make of these inscriptions? Was
Nintendo the king of Burp? If so why does his name not show up on any of the
traditional Mesopotamian king lists? Perhaps Nintendo was a local deity
worshipped by the scribes of Burp. But, if so why do we find no other mention
of him? And who was the mysterious Donkey-Kong? A great warrior who
fought battles in the mountains far to the north and became cool while there?
Dr. Julian Frogbottom of Noname University has suggested that perhaps
Nintendo and Donkey-Kong were the headmasters of the scribal school in
Burp. While this is an intriguing idea, there is no direct evidence to back it up.
Until further archeological evidence is found to shed some light on the subject
we will never know exactly who or what this Nintendo was, nor will we know his
exact relation to Donkey-Kong.
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