May 28, 2002
My grandfather's memorial service was held today. I wasn't able to go. It was clear across the country and money and all that. I really wanted to go, it's just that our money has been budgeted away and spent already. I have been telling Mike for a couple years that I know that my grandparents don't have that much more time on this earth and that I wanted to see them before they passed away. We'd been talking about trying to do that this summer. Then my old job crapped out and my new one crapped in (no vacation available for the next several months). And now, I have all these regrets.
When I called my grandmother, she begged me to talk about my life and my kids because if we talked to much about Grandpa, she was going to "dissolve into a puddle." Then she told me how lost she felt.
After being married to the man for 71 years, I can totally understand that. I have only been married two years to Mike and I'd be lost without him, too. And I'm feeling lost without Grandpa, too, though I can't begin to imagine the depth of relationship that 71 years has to feel like.
Then she told me how she just didn't think she could go on and my heart broke in half. I told her that she couldn't just decide to kick off because the man was gone. I told her that there are so many family members around and that my dad had just made peace with them in the past few years. I told her how much I loved her, indeed how much we all love her.
Then we changed the subject.
I am desperate to go see her. I know as a grown adult, I should have money and be able to travel, but I don't and I can't. I thought I'd have the money to go and then Mike bounced a deer off the front of Levy Hacker the Chevy Tracker over the weekend on the way back from his grandparents -- $250 deductible. Then the furniture store called and they have Russell's furniture in early -- $298. Then tonight, we blew a tire, which means we'll have to buy a pair for the Saturn -- $130. Bye, bye money.
I feel useless and horrible and I miss my grammy and grampa.
Grandpa told me about our family coming from Germany in the late 1880's and homesteading in the Dakotas. My great great uncle rode a fast horse and got land for our family.
The last time I saw my grandparents, they each took a picture of the other standing with me. They each cut the other person half out of the picture. I thought it was so damned cute. I was midway through a series of hideously abusive boyfriends and I knew how much they loved me. I worked so hard to keep that relationship, even though my dad was being a stubborn little Teuton and not speaking to them for what came to be 19 years. I can see my grandpa in my face in those pictures. I don't have his clear blue eyes, but I do have his square Germanic jaw. I do have his quick wit and smartass commentary. I do share his love of Grammy.
I miss him coming in on the other line while I talk to Grammy. I felt horrible when I heard how he suffered through shingles. I simply miss him so very much and I am so sad for the missed opportunity to see him.
Mostly, I worry that no matter what I do and pray for, that something else will happen that will make the money go and that I'll never get to see Grammy either.
When I settled on Russell's name, I picked it because I loved my Grandpa H. and because a middle name of William in a family where I have two uncles, a brother, my dad, and both grandfathers named William was a pretty safe bet. Today, I miss particularly, William Hapgood Schreiber, who died after 94 happy years as a funny kind man who treated me like a princess.
|