I tried stretching my toes and pointing my feet and it was to no avail. I even checked on Jaxana, by rolling over and lying on the side she always kicks me for lying on, and she was asleep.

Muttering in my sleep, I sent Mike to the shower. I slept more until I heard the door swing open to the bathroom and I couldn't believe it, but my toes stayed asleep while I sulked my way into the shower.

I showered and rubbed my big fat tummy, remembered something about shaving armpits and legs, which have been more hirsute than your basic gorilla, and then I sat on the tub and did so, and still my toes snoozed away.

It wasn't until I got all my clothes on, ordered Russell into some clothes and sat down to put my shoes on that my toes awoke. They started screaming about my stinking sneakers and the torture and they began to itch and whine. You have to understand. I have a very very sensitive nose and I was realizing I stink and couldn't figure out why. I assumed I wasn't doing enough Kegels and was showering often. One day I sat down in the recliner next to my beautiful comfortable, back-saving sneakers, realizing that fresh out of the shower, no one could smell like that. I picked up my sneakers and got a whiff of them and nearly screamed in agony.

To the shrieks of my toes this morning, I got out the foot powder, powdered my toes and put on my stinking sneakers and drove to work.

I keep telling myself that I shouldn't worry about stinking sneakers and sleeping toes, but my nose is so damned sensitive. I can't stand sitting at my desk with my stinking sneakers and my toes dozing off comfortably in their fetid odor miasma with each other. It's unnatural.

I just have visions of going to the hospital and having to march the halls to ride out my labor and all I'll be able to think about is my stinking sneakers and my comfortable dozing toes and my beautiful precious not stinking baby all in the same space. Won't someone be able to smell my stinking sneakers and know that my toes are dozing on the job? And what's worse is that then people will believe that my stinking sneakers are a stinky diaper and look accusingly at my darling daughter, while she lays there sleeping (taking her cues from my toes, I'd guess).

There ought to be a law against stinking sneakers and sleeping toes.