I have to get up several times a night because I have a baby who likes to square dance on my bladder. She's a good baby and she's doing what's she's supposed to. I'm simply a slave to her charms and visit the porcelain goddess several times a night. In order to get out of bed, however, it's not just a job, it's an adventure!

First, I should probably explain how I sleep these days. I sleep on my side and always have. My sleeping comfort involves pillows...at least 4. I have one under my head, I have a long body pillow that I put between my ankels, knees, and under my belly. I put a one behind my low back and finally have one up top that I hug. In addition to the pillow on my back, I often wrap a comforter around it to really snug it up against my back. And then I have another comforter or two to cover myself because I get cold easily.

Okay, so now you're horrified and laughing your ass off at me. I remind you that we bought a king size bed, so my half of the bed is HUGE, as is his. It should also be noted that he has the big huge warm comforter that used to adorn the queen-size bed and stays plenty warm.

Alright...back to getting up several times a night.

In order for me to get up, I have to remove my pillows and toss them on the floor and then toss the blankets in the middle of the bed, so my legs don't get tangled up. I then have to swing my legs to the side of the bed and sort of hoist myself up to sit up in bed, to be able to hop out and go pee. When I come back, I have to repillow myself and reblanket, but I am often half awake while doing this and often fail to realize that the Evil Blanket Thief has stolen my blankets or pillows because I'm usually in a big hurry to get back to sleep.

However, after I've spent several hours semi-consciously rolling back and forth restlessly while my back and hips ache, cooling off to a deep blue freeze, I wake up sufficiently to realize that the Evil Blanket Thief has struck and stolen some of my bedding. I get up to pee, of course, and then peek on his side of the bed to see his nice warm huge comforter adorning the floor and to see one of my comforters wound tightly around his body like a cocoon and one of my pillows held to his breast like it was a warm loaf of bread to be given to the poor and needy and he's a monk in a snowstorm.

Now in an effort to stop the wrongdoings of the Evil Blanket Thief, I have offered him extra blankets and pillows, which he has steadfastly refused -- either out of gallantry or stupidity. I have begged, pleaded,...okay, I've nagged him like hell. Last night, I struck a blow for all victims everywhere of the Evil Blanket Thief, however.