Farting, you ask? Why is farting so pertinent?

Well, in my aqua aerobics class we're all talking about how luxurious our hair is, probably as a result of the prenatal vitamins and then we all started bitching nearly in unison about the CONSTIPATION. I'm not constipated particularly. I am just so gassy that if you lit a match by me, you'd burn off my so-called luxurious hair.

And I admitted it today in front of the whole class. I'm terrified about the diabetes at this stage of things. I know, I know...my sugars are great, but I'm still scared and worried and it didn't help that I picked up my will today from the attorney's and increased my life insurance at work.

We took out the tiny life insurance policy on the kids for $10,000 apiece and I nearly fell apart. Mike couldn't understand why we'd need it and the benefits reps just kind of paused in that "how do we say this delicately to a pregnant woman" way and I started to choke up and explained,"Funeral expenses. Wow, this is hard to talk about." I choked back the tears and tried to think about my healthy baby and my beautiful Bear. Mike pat my leg and squeezed my hand.

All this just in case stuff. Just in case, I die or go in a coma. Just in case.

It's kind of weird that I'm so obsessive about it all, but I'm really really scared. I want a healthy baby and a natural birth, but I am really nervous about how long it may take me to recover because of my inability to heal well, regardless of my method of delivery. The biggest reason I suspected I might be diabetic was that I wasn't healing well. My stupid burns took 3 months to heal. It's obscene.

Hormones make things worse. I don't know why, but people feel obligated often to tell you the most horrible terrible birth stories they have ever heard of or have suspected to be true. I hear these things and I realize it's totally unreasonable, on an intellectual basis to even grant them any level of believability, but I'm a huge walking hormone and that kind of stuff can just set me over the edge.

And I think the recent car stuff has me thinking about my mortality more, too.

Last night at church, they did the ashes on the forehead thing for Ash Wednesday and the blessing as they did it was,"From ashes we are made and to ashes we will return." I bit my lip to hold back the tears all the way back to my pew.

Ashes Ashes, we all fall down!