Why do little boys whine?
    Because they are practicing to be men.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
    Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
    You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
    Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why do men like smart women?
    Opposites attract.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
    They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
    We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
    By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
    Make him wear shoes.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
    He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
    All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

What did God say after creating man?
    I can do so much better.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
    Any place without a drive-up window.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
    Gifted.

What should you give a man who has everything?
    A woman to show him how to work it.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
    SEX.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
    Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
    Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
    Big Foot's been spotted several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
    My wife says...

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
    So men can understand them.

Why did God create man before woman?
    Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
    To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
    To keep them from grazing.