Spike Quotes: Season 5

Riley: "What can you tell me about Dracula?"
Spike: "Dracula? Poncy bugger owes me 11 pounds, for one thing."
Riley: "You know him?"
Spike: "Know him? We're old rivals. But then he got famous, forgot all about his foes."

Spike: "Step on up, kiddies. Thrashings for all."

Spike: "You look good."
Harmony: "I feel good."
Spike: "I remember."

Harmony: "I've been doing my homework, reading books and stuff."
Spike: "What, 'Evil For Dummies'?"

Spike: "Look at you, all puffed up and mighty, thinking you're the new big bad. It's, uh... well, let's face it, it's adorable."

Buffy: "Spike, what are you doing here?"
Spike: "Same reason as you and your cub scout here, I wager. Wanted a spot of violence before bedtime."

Spike: "And I should do what with my spare time? Sit at home knitting cunning sweater sets?"

Spike: "Oh, Pacey! You blind idiot. Can't you see she doesn't love you?"

Spike: "I will know your blood, Slayer. I will make your neck my chalice, and drink deep."

Spike: "Oh dear, is the enormous hall monitor sick? Tell me, is he gonna die?"

Harmony: "Wow, Spikey, how does it feel?"
Spike: "Like someone's cutting into my brain with a knife, you silly bint."

Harmony: "Do you know what it means that he can't hurt any living thing? It means that he can't even pick flowers."

Spike: "What?! Yes, I can."

Spike: "Harmony, if your incessant prattling bollixes up this operation, I'm gonna personally rip out your pink and wriggly tongue."

Spike: "Bathe in the Slayer's blood. I've gonna dive in it. Swim in it. I'm gonna do the bloody backstroke."

Spike: "Listen to me. My stomach's growling, I'm so starved. I'm afraid I'm going to have to have me a little snack. Oh, don't worry. I won't fill up on the bread. I'll still have plenty of room for the main course."

Spike: "Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn, she's there. That nasty little face, that bouncing, shampoo- commercial hair. That whole holier-than-thou attitude."

Buffy: "Don't take this the wrong way, but... (punches Spike in the nose) ...what are you doing here? Five words or less."
Spike: "Out. For. A. Walk.... Bitch."

Spike: "You know, contrary to one's self-involved world-view, your house happens to be directly between... parts... and other parts of this town. And I would pass by in the day, but I feel I'm outgrowing my whole 'burst into flame' phase."

Spike: "The whole crowd-pleasing 'threats and swagger' routine. How stunningly original. You know, I'm just passing through. Satisfied? You know, I really hope so, 'cause god knows you need some satisfaction in life, besides shagging Captain Cardboard, and... and I never really liked you, anyway, and -- and you have stupid hair."

Mr. McClay: "What in god's name is that?"
Spike: "Lei-ach demon. Fun little buggers. Big with the marrow sucking."

Buffy: "You want to take Tara out of here against her will, you gotta come through me."
Dawn: "And me."
Mr. McClay: "Is this a joke? I'm not gonna be threatened by two little girls."
Dawn: "You don't want to mess with us."
Buffy: "She's a hair-puller."
Giles: "And... you're not just dealing with two little girls."
Xander: "You're dealing with all of us."
Spike: "'Cept me."
Xander: "'Cept Spike."
Spike: "I don't care what happens."

Spike: "Why don't I make this simple." (punches Tara)
Tara: "Ow!"
Spike: "Ow!" (clutches head)

Tara: "He hurt my nose."
Spike: "Yeah, you're welcome."

Spike: "Ow! Wait, not 'ow.' Are you feeling all right, Slayer? This stuff usually hurts."

Spike: "You know, there are quite a few American beers that are highly underrated. This, unfortunately, is not one of them."

Buffy: "Tell the tale, you get the cash."
Spike: "Right. You want to learn all about how I bested the Slayers, and you want to learn fast. Right, then. We fought. I won. The end. Pay up."

Spike: "Oh, right. Stuck in a dark corner with a creature you loathe, digging up past uglies, 'cause you're 'fine'."

Buffy: "Were you born this big a pain in the ass?"
Spike: "What can I tell you, baby? I've always been bad."

William: "Luminous. Oh, no, no, no. Irr-irradiant's better."

William: "Quickly, I'm the very spirit of vexation. What's another word for 'gleaming'? it's a perfectly perfect word, as many words go, but the bother is nothing rhymes, you see."

Buffy: "So you traded up on the food chain. Then what?"
Spike: "No, please! Don't make it sound like something you'd flip past on the Discovery channel."

Spike: "Getting killed made me feel alive for the very first time."

Spike: "Oh, I'm sorry -- did I sully our good name? We're vampires!"

Angelus: "A real kill, a good kill, it takes pure artistry. Without that, we're just animals."
Spike: "Poofter."

Spike: "I mean, if you're looking for fun, there's death, there's glory, and sod-all else, right?"

Buffy: "So, how'd you kill her?"
Spike: "Funny you should ask. (grabs Buffy) Lesson the first: A Slayer must always reach for her weapon. I've already got mine."

Spike: "What are you lookin' at?"
Buffy: "You got off on it."
Spike: "Well, yeah. I suppose you're telling me you don't?"

Spike: "But you can kill a hundred, a thousand, a thousand thousand, and the armies of hell besides, and all we need is for one of us, just one, sooner or later to have the thing we're all hoping for."
Buffy: "And that would be what?"
Spike: (whispering) "One... good... day."

Spike: "Lesson the second: Ask the right questions. You want to know how I beat them? Question isn't how'd I win. The question is, why'd they lose?"

Spike: "I could have danced all night with that one."
Buffy: "You think we're dancing?"
Spike: "That's all we've ever done."

Spike: "Every day you wake up, it's the same bloody question that haunts you: Is today the day I die?"

Spike: "Sooner or later... you're gonna want it. And the second--the second that happens, you know I'll be there. I'll slip in... have myself a real good day. Here endeth the lesson."

Spike: "Did I scare ya? You're the Slayer. Do something about it. Hit me. Come on. One good swing. You know you want to."
Buffy: "I mean it."
Spike: "So do I. Give it me good, Buffy. Do it!"

Spike: "Beneath me. I'll show her. Put her six bloody feet beneath me. Hasn't got a death wish. Bitch won't need one."

Harmony: "Okay, I'm trying to be supportive here, so don't drive a stake through my heart like last time. But you can't kill Buffy. She's the Slayer. She is so gonna kick your ass."
Spike: "Got two barrels here that'll prove you wrong."
Harmony: "I knew you'd take this personally. You're so sensitive! How are you gonna kill her? Think! The second you even point that thing at her, you're gonna be all "Aaagh!" And then you'll get bitch-slapped up and down Main Street, unless she's had enough and just stakes you."
Spike: "Sure, it'll hurt like hell for about two hours. But she'll be dead just a little longer than that."

Riley: "Were you... were you just smelling her sweater?"
Spike: "No! Well, yeah, all right, I did. It's a predator thing, nothing wrong with it. Know your enemy's scent, whet the appetite for a hunt. (sniffs deeply at sweater) Ahh, that's the stuff, Slayer musk. It's bitter and aggravating." (growls)

Spike: "Twice in recent memory, she's had the lover-wiccas do a de-invite on the house, keep out specific vamps. Ever ask yourself why she's never taken my name off the guest-list?"
Riley: "Because you're harmless."
Spike: "Oh, yeah, right. Takes one to know, I suppose. At least I still got the attitude. What you got? A piercing glance?"

Spike: "Face it, white bread, Buffy's got a type, and you're not it. She likes us dangerous, rough, occasionally bumpy in the forehead region. Not that she doesn't like you, but sorry, Charlie, you're just not dark enough.

Buffy: "What the hell are you doing in my house?"
Spike: "Right, then... caught me. Your basement's full of junk, and me being in need of... junk..."
Buffy: "You were stealing?"
Spike: "Well, yeah. Can't exactly work the counter at Burger Barn, can I?"
Buffy: "Wait-- are those pictures of me?"

Spike: "As usual, I'm here to help you, and I... are you naked under there?"

Spike: "Ow! Bloody hell! Oh, god! Hey."

Spike: "Look at you. All afraid I'm hot for your honey."
Riley: "Because you are."
Spike: "Well... yeah."

Riley: "Maybe I didn't almost kill you enough."

Spike: "The girl need some monster in her man. And that's not in your nature. No matter how low you try to go."

Riley: "If you touched her, you know I'd kill you for real."
Spike: "I had this chip out of my head, I'd have killed you long ago. Ain't love grand?"

Spike: "Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And sometimes I think I got the better deal. To be that close to her and not have her. To be all alone, even when you're holding her. Feeling her, feeling her beneath you, surrounding you... the scent. No. You got the better deal."

Spike: "Uh, there's something I gotta tell you. About showing you Riley in that place. I didn't mean to... Anyway, I know you're feeling all betrayed -- by him, not me. I was trying to help, you know. Not like I made him be there, after all. Actually trying to help you, best intentions. You know, pretty state you'd be in, thinking things are all right, while he's toddling halfway around the bend. Oh, I'll insult him if I want to! I'm the one who's on your side. Me, doing you a favor. And you being dead petty about it! Me getting nothing but your hatred and your venom and-- you ungrateful bitch! Bitch!! Buffy, there's something I wanted to tell you..."

Xander: "Are you talking to me hoping that I'll get so depressed that I'll impale myself on a fork right in front of you?"
Spike: "Lovely thought."

Spike: "No need to talk about her, then. I'm sure she's merrily slaying some pals of mine, having a grand old time."

Xander: "Maybe you could fight him."
Spike: "Yeah, I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much."

Spike: "I'm not sampling, I'll have you know. Look at all these lovely, blood-covered people. I could, but not a taste for Spike, not a lick. I knew you wouldn't like it."
Buffy: "You want credit for not feeding off bleeding disaster victims?"
Spike: "Well, yeah."

Spike: "I saved you."
Buffy: "I was regrouping."
Spike: "You were about to be regrouped into separate piles."

Spike: "Wishing I was your boyfriend What's-his-height? Oh, wait, he's run off."

Buffy: "I don't need a boyfriend, to rescue me or for any other reason."
Spike: "Don't need or can't keep?"

Spike: "Maybe that's your problem -- maybe you push them away. Or is it the other? Maybe you cling too much. Or maybe, your beauty's fading, the stress of slaying ageing you prematurely -- things not as high, not as firm."

Spike: "Personally, I'm shocked. The girl's slipping."
Watcher: "You've noticed a decline in her work?"
Spike: "Oh, yeah. See, the poor little twig can't keep a man. Gets her all down. Few more disappointments and she'll be crying on my shoulder, mark my words."

Spike: "Heard of me, have you?"
Watcher: "I... wrote my thesis on you."

Spike: "Oh, it's the Slayer. For a second there, I was worried."

Spike: "They didn't put a chip in your head, did they?"
Buffy: "No."
Spike: "Be funny if they did."

Spike: "Yeah, yeah. 'anything happens to 'em, I'll stake you good and proper.' Sing me a new one sometime, eh? That bit's gone stale."

Spike: "Don't make a lot of noise. Passions is coming on."
Joyce: "Passions? Oh, do you think Timmy's really dead?"
Spike: "Oh, no, no. she can just sew him back together. He's a doll, for god's sake."

Dawn: "Geez! Lurk much?"
Spike: "I wasn't lurking. I was standing about. It's a whole different vibe."

Spike: (in a menacing voice) "Shouldn't you be tucked away in your beddy-bye? All warm and safe where nothing can eat you?" Dawn: "Is that supposed to scare me?"
Spike: "Little tremble wouldn't hurt."
Dawn: "Sorry, it's just ... come on. *I'm* badder than you."
Spike: "Are not!"
Dawn: "Am too. You're standing in the bushes hugging a bent box of chocolates, and I'm-"
Spike: "What? Sneaking out to braid hair and watch Teletubbies with your mates?"

Dawn: "You wanna come steal some stuff?"
Spike: "Yeah, all right."

(Spike is picking a lock)
Dawn: "Do you know how to do that or not?"
Spike: "Give us a sec. I usually just (gestures) burst through doors."
The door opens.
Spike: "That's right! (Stands up, gives Dawn his best smug smirk) Who's bad now?"

Spike: "Girl with a mission, eh? What's the caper? Jewels? Ancient artifacts? Or just plain hard cash liberated from the till?"

Spike: "Where did he learn to write so bloody small, from a fruit fly?"

Buffy bursts into Spike's crypt. Spike is sitting atop one of the coffins, painting his fingernails.
Spike: "Morning, sunshine. If you've come around for eggs or sausage, I'm fresh out."
Buffy grabs the lid of the coffin and pulls it out from under Spike so that he tumbles backward into the coffin. He sits up.
Spike: "Hey, careful! These are wet." (Holds up his hand)

Buffy: "She shouldn't have found out like that."
Spike: "You didn't think you could keep the truth from her forever, did you? (angrily) Maybe if *you* had been more honest with her in the first place, you wouldn't be trying to make yourself feel better with a round of Kick The Spike."

Buffy: "Dawn! Dawn!"
Spike: "Yeah, that should do it."
Buffy: "Shut up."
Spike: "The nibblet scampered off to get away from you. She hears you bellowing, she's gonna pack it in the opposite direction. Can't say I blame her."
Buffy: "You were right. This is my fault. I should have told her."
Spike: "Look, she probably would have skipped off anyway, even if she never found out. She's not just a blob of energy, she's also a fourteen-year-old hormone bomb. Which one's screwing her up more right now, spin the bloody wheel. You'll find her, just in the nick of time, that's what you hero types do."

Spike: "I've got things to do. Bad, evil things."

Spike: "They're just trying to keep you safe, I expect."
Dawn: "I feel safe with you."
Spike: [chokes] "Take that back!"

Dawn: "And the lady just invited you in?"
Spike: "Well, I had hubby by the throat, didn't I? Promised her he'd live if she did the invite."
Dawn: "And did you... let him live?"
Spike: "What do you think?"
Dawn: "Oh."
Spike: "Too much for you?"
Dawn: "No, keep going."
Spike: "And I kill 'em, right quick. The whole lot. But... there's someone missing. There's supposed to be this little girl... So I get real quiet, and I hear this tiny noise coming from the coal bin. This little sigh. So I listened harder... it's very, very quiet..."
[door slams open]
Spike: "Oh, bloody hell."

Buffy: "Yeah, let's hear the story Spike is telling my little sister."
Spike: "Right. Yeah. So, uh, I knew the girl was in the coal bin. And I rip it open, very violently, and haul her out of there. And then I gave her to a good family, in a nice home, where they're never, ever mean to her and didn't lock her in a coal bin."

Spike: "Come on, what are you waiting for? Grab your coat and your pointy sticks."

Spike: "Well, that was sad. I'm embarrassed for our kind."

Buffy: "These vamps have been here for a while. They've nested."
Spike: "So, you're saying they're a couple of poofters?"

Buffy: "The late night stake-out, the bogus suspects, the flask... is this a date?"
Spike: "A... please! A date! You are completely off your bird! I mean-- do you want it to be?"

Spike: "You can't deny it-- there's something between us."
Buffy: "Loathing. Disgust."
Spike: "Heat. Desire."

Buffy: "You're like a serial killer in jail."
Spike: "Women marry 'em all the time!"

Buffy: "You don't know what feelings are."
Spike: "I damn well do! I lie awake every night."
Buffy: "You sleep during the day!"
Spike: "Yeah, bu-- You are missing the point."

Spike: "Poor Spike's become a cautionary tale for vampires, right? 'You better be good, kiddies, or else they might wire you up some day.'"

Spike: "I think it'd be best now if you hit the road."
Harmony: "Why? Because she's back?"
Spike: "No. Because I am."

Spike: "What the bleeding hell is wrong with you bloody women? What the hell does it take?! Why do you bitches torture me?!"

Spike: "You think I like having you in here? Destroying everything that was me, until all that's left is you, in a dead shell. You say you hate it, but you won't leave. You know, what I should just do, is get rid of both of you. Burn you. Cut you into little pieces so there won't be any more bints to cock up things for Spi-"

Drusilla: "That's right, little girl. Teach our naughty boy a lesson."
Spike: "Oh, so now you're all ganging up."

Spike: "Oh, dear. If looks could stake."

Spike: "If you want me to leave, you can put your hands on my hot, tight little body and make me."

Spike: "Bloody hell. You threw me through a window! What's that about?"
April: "You cannot make those suggestions to me. I have a boyfriend. Warren is my boyfriend."
Spike: "You know what? My bleeding sympathies to Warren."

Spike: "I'm placing an order."
Warren: "Oh, no, I'm not making any more girls."
Spike: "Sure you are. Here's your specs."

Xander: "Oh, like you care about her."
Spike: "Care? Joyce was the only one of the lot of you I could stand!"

Dawn: "I know why you're doing this."
Spike: "Do you now? Enlighten me."
Dawn: "Spike, I'm not stupid. You're, like, stalking my sister. You'd do anything to get in good with her."
Spike: "Buffy never hears about this, O.K.? Found out what I was doing, she'd drive a redwood through my chest!"

Spike: "Well, what do you know? Bitty Buffy!"

Spike: "She's upset about her mum. And if she turns to me for comfort, well I'm not going to deny her. I'm not a monster."
Xander: "Yes, you are a monster. Vampires are monsters. They make monster movies about them."
Spike: "Well, yeah. You got me there."

Spike: "Damn right I'm impure! I'm as impure as the driven yellow snow."

Glory: "I am a god."
Spike: "The god of what? Bad home perms?"
Glory: "Shut up! I command you: Shut up!"
Spike: "Yeah, o.k. Sorry. But I just had no idea that gods were such prancing lightweights. Mark my words: the Slayer is going to kick your skanky, lopsided ass back to whatever place would take a cheap, whorish, fashion-victim, ex-god like you."
(she power-kicks him across the room, through the wall... and out of his chains)
Spike: (spitting up more blood) "Good plan, Spike."

Spike: "'Cuz Buffy -- the other, not-so-pleasant Buffy -- anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her. Couldn't live, her being that much pain. I'd let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did."

Spike: "So you're saying that a powerful and mightily pissed-off witch was planning on going and spilling herself a few pints of god-blood until you, what... explained?"
Buffy: "What, you think she... no. I told Willow it would be, like, suicide."
Spike: (shrug) "I'd do it." (off her look) "Right person. Person I loved. I'd do it."

Spike: "Buckle-up, kids! Daddy's putting the hammer down!

Spike: "Or what? You're gonna toss your cookies on my shoes?"
Xander: "Or you can be Undead Man Walking. See how fast you can hitch a ride with a flaming... thumb..."
Spike: "Fine. Shrimp!"

Spike: "No biggie. Look, the skin's already stopped smoking. You go ahead and play peek-a-boo with Mr. Sunshine all you like. Keeps the ride from getting boring."

Giles: "Weapons?"
Spike: "Hello! You're driving one!"

Dawn: (bandaging his hands) "Keep the pressure on."
Spike: "Always do, Sweet Pea."

Spike: "Florence Bloody Nightingale to the rescue."

Spike: "So, what's the story with these role-playing rejects?"

Spike: "You sure Scarface here can habla the English?"

Willow: (spellcasting) "Discharge and bring light!"
Spike: "Handier than a Swiss knife. Oh, the door to my crypt's got this nasty squeak, maybe you could..."

Xander: "You know those things will kill you." (off Spike's look) "Oh, right. Have I mentioned today how much I don't like you?"
Spike: "You might have let it slip in once or twice."

Xander: "How're your feelers?"
Spike: "Nothing compared to the little bits we're gonna be chopped into when the Renaissance Faire kicks the door in."

Spike: "Uh ... Will? Now, uh, don't turn me into a horned toad for asking, but ... what if we come across Ben?"

Spike: "Oh, I get it. That's very crafty. (nods) Glory's worked the kind of mojo where anyone who sees her little presto-change-o instantly forgets. And yours truly, being somewhat other than human ... stands immune."

Xander: "Ben's Glory!"
Doc: "Who's what?"
Spike: "Look at this. Special Ed remembers."

Buffy: "I love you all ... but I'm sorry."
Anya: "Okay. All in favor of stopping Glory *before* the ritual. Suggestions, ideas? Time's a-wastin'."
Spike: "Uh ... when you say you love us all..."

Anya: "And Olaf the troll god's enchanted hammer. wanna fight a god, use the weapon of a god."
Spike: "Uh, nah, that thing's too heavy to- (Buffy picks it up easily) Yeah. Good."

Spike: "Don't be swingin' that thing near me."
Xander: "Hey, I happen to be-"
Spike: "A glorified bricklayer?"
Xander: "I'm also a swell bowler."
Anya: "Has his own shoes."
Spike: "The gods themselves do tremble."

Spike: "Well, not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, was it?"
Giles: "We few...we happy few."
Spike: "We band of buggered."

Quotes till the end of "The Gift".