Xander Quotes: Season 4
Xander: "Basically, I got as far as Oxnard, and the engine fell out of my car. And that was literally. So, I ended up washing dishes at the fabulous "Ladies Night" club for about a month and a half while I tried to pay for the repairs. No one really bothered me, or even spoke to me, until one night when one of the male strippers called in sick, and no power on this earth will make me tell you the rest of that story. Suffice to say I traded my car in for one that wasn't entirely made of rust, came trundling back home to the arms of my loving parents, where everything was exactly as it was except I sleep in the basement, and I have to pay rent. How's college?"
Buffy: "Male strippers?"
Xander: "No power on this earth."Xander: "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to anger. No, wait, hold on. Fear leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side. Hold on, no... First you get the women, then you get the money, then you... Okay, can we forget that?"
Anya: "You should lock your door."
Giles: "Believe me, I am kicking myself."
Xander: "Anya? The last time I saw you fleeing in terror. How'd that work out for you?"Xander: "And there's the whole you used to be a man-killing demon thing. Which, to be fair, is as much my issue as it is yours."
Anya: "I can't stop thinking about you. Sometimes, in my dreams, you're all naked."
Xander: "Really? You know, if I'm in the check-out line at Wal-Mart, I've had that same one."
Anya: "So I can assume a standing Friday night date, and a mutual recognition of prom night as our dating anniversary?"
Xander: "Anya, slow down. In fact, come to a screeching halt."
Xander: "I got better things to do than tag along to some fraternity."
Willow: "You can come."
Xander: "'Kay. But only because I lied about having better things to do."Xander: "You'll need a costume."
Anya: "A costume?"
Xander: "Dress up. You know, something scary."
Anya: "Scary? scary how?"
Xander: "Anya, you, ex-demon, terrorised mankind for centuries. I'm sure you'll come up with something."Xander: "What ya got in the basket, little girl?"
Buffy: "Weapons."
Xander: "Oh."Xander: "Insurance. You know, in case we get turned into our costumes again, I'm going for cool secret agent guy."
Buffy: "I hate to break it to you, but you'll probably end up cool head-waiter guy."
Xander: "As long as I'm cool and wield some kind of power."Buffy: "Our fears are manifesting. We're feeding it. We need to stop."
Xander: "If we close our eyes, and say it's a dream... it'll stab us to death! These things are real."Spike: "Oh, someone put a stake in me."
Xander: "You got a lot of volunteers in here."Spike: "Like I'd bite you, anyway."
Xander: "Oh, you would."
Spike: "Not bloody likely."
Xander: "I happen to be very biteable, pal. I'm moist and delicious."
Spike: "All right, yeah, fine. You're a nummy treat."
Xander: "And don't you forget it."Anya: "What a stupid game. All these rules just to win little plastic discs."
Xander: "Chips. They're called chips. They represent money, since none of us has any money to represent money."Buffy: "Okay, everybody grab a weapon. We gotta move."
Xander: "Storm the Initiative? Yeah, let's take on those suckers!"
Buffy: "I was thinking more that we'd hide."
Xander: "Oh, thank god."Xander: "Why am I not entirely comforted by the arrival of the man-sized microwave?"
Xander: "So, here it is. The latest in state-of the art combat technology. I gotta say, it doesn't look that complicated."
Buffy: "So you can repair it?"
Xander: "Sure. Just as soon as I get my master's degree in advanced starship technology."
Willow: "Well, why don't we experiment? Press some buttons, see what happens."
Giles: "Well, I'd like to veto that."
Xander: "Second. It's called a blaster, Will. A word that tends to discourage experimentation. Now, if it were called the Orgasmator, I'd be the first to try your basic button-press approach."Xander: "I'd hate to see the pursuit of a homicidal lunatic get in the way of pursuing a homicidal lunatic."
Xander: "We kind of have a romantic evening planned."
Anya: "We were gonna light a bunch of candles and have sex near them."
Buffy (Faith): "Well, we certainly don't want to cut into that seven minutes."
Anya: "Hey!"
Xander: "I believe that's my 'hey.' Hey!"Anya: "I did not."
Xander: "Last night, with me, you said 'Jonathan.'"
Anya: "It was a moan."
Xander: "Fine, you moaned 'Jonathan.'"
Anya: "Nuh-uh. It was like, 'A-a-a-ahhh.'"
Xander: "Maybe it was 'A-a-a-ahhnathon.' Still not fluffing up the old ego."Xander: "Anya, there's a lot more to you and me than the sex. Well, there should be."
Anya: "I don't understand. I'm pretty, I'm young. Why didn't you take advantage of me? Is there something wrong with your body?"
Xander: "There's nothing wrong with my body."
Anya: "Well, there must be. I saw that wrinkled man on TV talking about erectile dysfunction..."
Xander: "Whoa! Hey! All systems go, here. No function problem, okay? You want sex? Let's have sex. Right here. Hot, sweaty, big sex!" (pause, both turn to look at children)Xander: "'Lowell House. 1962.'"
Julie: "Yes."
Xander: "Uh, just, you know, impressing you with my knowledge of local history. Or my knowledge of reading."
Julie: "And you didn't even have to sound anything out!"
Xander: "You should see me add short columns of small numbers."
Julie: "You're funny."
Xander: "Thanks. That is, funny 'how amusing', or funny 'back away and avoid eye contact'?"Xander: "We had a little fight. that just means that we have to work our way through some stuff. It doesn't mean that we rebound with the evil undead."
Xander: "I've put up with a hell of a lot from you, much of that in the last minute..."
Xander: "So, with Buffy and Riley havin'... you know, acts of nakedness around the clock, lately, maybe they set something free. Like a big, bursting poltergasm."
Spike: "I'm taking a risk here, you know?"
Xander: "Can I tell you how much I really don't care?"Xander: "Just because you're better than us doesn't mean you can be all superior."
Xander: "Spike's working for Adam?!? After all we've done-- Nah, I can't even act surprised."
Xander: "Demons versus soldiers. Massacre, massacre."
Willow: "And Adam has a neat pile of body parts to start assembling his army. Diabolical yet.. gross."
Xander: "Does anybody else miss the Mayor 'I just wanna be a big snake'?"Xander: "Dinner is served. And my very own recipe."
Willow: "Ooh, you pushed the button on the microwave that says 'popcorn'?"
Xander: "Actually, I pushed 'defrost', but Joyce was there in the clinch."Xander: "Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell. And then I do a spell by myself."
Principal Snyder: "Where are you from, Harris?"
Xander: "Well, the basement mostly."
Principal Snyder: "Were you born there?"
Xander: "Possibly."Principal Snyder: "I walked by your guidance counselor's office one time. A bunch of you were sitting there.. waiting to be shepherded. I remember it smelled like dead flowers. Like decay. Then it hit me. The hope of our nation's future is a bunch of mulch."
Xander: "You know, I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was you were eaten by a snake."Willow: "Only at death's door over here. Look at Xander."
Xander: "Got the sucking chest wound swingin'. I promised Anya I'd be here for her big night. Now I'll probably be pushing up daisies, in the sense of being in the ground underneath them and fertilizing the soil with my decomposition."
Season 5
Xander: "The fire's not cooperating. It's comforting to know that I lack the culinary finesse of the caveman."
Xander: "Come on, puffy shirt. Pucker on up, 'cause you can kiss your pale ass good--"
Dracula: "Silence."
Xander: "Yes, Master."Xander: "I will serve you, your excellent spookiness. Or Master, I'll just stick with Master."
Dracula: "You are strange and off-putting. Go now."Willow: "Well, I think we have Dracula factoids."
Xander: "Like any of that's enough to fight the Dark Master."
(everyone looks at him)
Xander: "--bator."Xander: "What could be funny? Just, 'Look out! It's a terrifying Harmony gang! Ooh!'"
Dawn: "Shut up!"
Xander: "Dawn, I'm handling this. Shut up, Harmony!"Rental agent: "And that's the bedroom."
(Xander opens door to see Buffy and Riley kissing) Xander: "Guys, you can't save it for the bedroom? (R & B look around bedroom) Okay, good point."Xander: "So you bought the magic shop and you were attacked before it opened. Who's up for a swingin' chorus of the 'I told you so' symphony?"
Xander: "Welcome to payback, Mr. Evil-plan-face-stealer. You take my life, you get my being fired absolutely free."
Xander: "On my seventh birthday, I wanted a toy fire truck, and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burned down, and then real fire trucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me."
Xander: "A demon has taken my life from me, and he's living it better than I do."
Anya: "So, what happens next?"
Xander: "Well, at some point, we take off our clothes."Anya: "Maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home, and we can all have sex together, and then, you know, just slap them back together in the morning."
Xander 2: "She's joking."
Xander 1: "No, she's not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together. Which is... wrong. And it would be very confusing."Xander: "At first it's just a place, and then you start to make memories. And then you're like... that's where Spike slept. And there, that's where Anya and I drowned a Separvo demon. Oh! And right there, that's where I got my heart all ripped out. I really hate this place."
Anya: "Ooh, presents?"
Xander: "Not unless you want my collection of Babylon 5 commemorative plates. Which you cannot have."Xander: "How is it that she can always make me feel suave Xander's left the building?"
Willow: "Ooh, are these real newt eyes?"
Giles: "No, too rich for my blood, I'm afraid. No, these are salamander eyes. It's the cataracts which gives them their newt-like appearance. They're really equally effective, though. It's just a matter of overcoming snobbery."
Xander: "I'm telling you, Giles. You've got to set up a blind taste-test and prove once and for all that generic amphibian eyeballs are just as good."Xander: "I'm the dummy man! I mean, I made the dummy."
Anya: "Please go."
Xander: "Anya, the Shopkeepers Union of America called. They want me to tell you that 'Please go' just got replaced with 'Have a nice day.'"
Anya: "But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?"
Xander: "No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it."
Anya: "Hey, you! Have a nice day."
Xander: "There's my girl!"Xander: "Did you ever think in a million years you'd miss the high school library?"
Tara: "Yeah, you learn her source, and we'll introduce her to her insect reflection. (everyone stops & stares at her) Th-that was funny if you, um, studied taglarin mythic rites... and are a complete dork."
Riley: "Then how come Xander didn't laugh?"
Xander: "I don't know that taglarin stuff."Buffy: "You said you got a present already."
Xander: "Yeah, that was a tangled web of lies, sweetie."Buffy: "There's just... that thing."
Xander: "That thing."
Buffy: "That thing of not understanding..."
Xander: "Half of what she says?"Willow: "It feels like we're going around in circles."
Xander: "Our circles are going around in circles. We've got dizzy circles here, Giles."Anya: "Sobekites were reptile worshippers."
Xander: "Just once I would like to run into a cult of bunny worshippers."Xander: "I still don't get why we had to come here to get info about a killer snot demon."
Buffy: "It looked like they were paying vampires to bite them."
Xander: "NOW I know what to get for the person who has everything."Xander: "So, how'd that work out for ya? Make you feel better?"
Buffy: "What are you doing here?"
Xander: "I thought you might need to talk. Then I saw this skirmish happen. I was gonna lend a hand, but I noticed you grew a few extra ones."Xander: "You don't want to deal so you hide? Not very Slayer-like."
Buffy: "I thought he was dependable."
Xander: "Dependable? What is he, State Farm?"Xander: "If you don't want to hear what I have to say, I'll shut up right now."
Buffy: "Good, 'cause I don't."
Xander: "I lied."Xander: "I gotta say something 'cause I don't think I've made it clear. I'm in love with you. Powerfully, painfully in love. The things you do... the way you think... the way you move... I get excited every time I'm about to see you. You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life -- like a man. I just thought you might wanna know."
Xander: "Sometimes I sort of forget that he's gone. It's like, 'Where's Riley? Oh, wait, the central republic of Where In the Hell.'"
Xander: "Yeah, relationship debris is kind of piling up on the Buffy highway."
Xander: "Hey, hey, Judge Xander requesting a recess here."
Xander: "Sometimes I'll say something about Anya, and Willow'll get this look. This what-the-hell-do-you-see-in-her? look."
Spike: "I know that look. A lot of people never really got Dru, you know?"Xander: "Well, she was insane."
Xander: "So, uh... think I should run and get Buffy?"
Olaf: "Barmaid, bring me stronger ale, and some plump, succulent babies to eat."Xander: "I'm gonna run and get Buffy."
Watcher: "The boy? No power there."
Buffy: "'The boy's' clocked more field time than all of you combined. He's part of the unit."
Willow: "That's Riley-speak."Xander: "I've clocked field time!"
Giles: "All we have to worry about right now is she's immortal, invulnerable, and insane."
Xander: "A *crazy* hellgod? And the fun just keeps on leaving."Buffy: "I just didn't want to put you in that kind of danger."
Xander: "As opposed to the other kind we're always in?"Dawn: "Why does everybody start acting all weird when I'm around?"
Xander: "Me? Me not weird."Xander: "You know, she kinda has a crush on me."
Giles: "Your point being?"
Xander: "Well, nothing... No, just saying, powerful being... big energy gal digging the Xan-man. Some guys are just cooler, you know?"Xander: "So, tell me again what we're looking for?"
Buffy: "Clues."
Xander: "Okay. Could you give me a clue about what kind of clues?"Buffy: "She thinks that... she said that... Spike's in love with me."
Xander: (laughs)
Buffy: "I'm not joking."
Xander: "Oh, I hope not. It's funnier if it's true."Xander: "How did she come to this extremely entertaining conclusion?"
Buffy: "I think she has a crush on him."
Xander: "What?"
Buffy: "I mean, I always knew that he had this... weird fixation with me..."
Xander: "I'm the one she has a crush on. Me! It's always been me. Big, funny Xander! Oh, what, she just suddenly decides I'm not the cool one anymore? Why is that okay?"[for the next few quotes Xander is wearing a bug puffy training suit thingy]
Buffy: "Oh, puffy Xander. I'm sorry, I got-- I guess I got carried away. Are you okay?"
Xander: "I'm alive. I can tell 'cause of the pain."
Buffy: "Do you want to sit down?"
Xander: "I'm not that bendy. I could lean."Buffy: "Comfy?"
Xander: "Oh, yeah. This leaning -- this is the stuff."Xander: "This is the day you choose to hug me?"
Xander: "You ever think maybe the reason you haven't found a great relationship on the Hellmouth is because it's a Hellmouth?"
Xander: "How you doing? Having o' the fun?"
Buffy: "You know, I am. Dancing with you is way better than trying to hook up with some good-looking guy."
Xander: "I think I liked it better when you were kicking me in my puffy groin."Anya: "She speaks with a strange evenness and selects her words a shade too precisely."
Xander: "Well, some of us like that kind of thing in a girl."Tara: "At least she didn't do too much damage."
Xander: "Are you kidding? Double-glazed glass ain't cheap. And the jamb needs to be completely repaired. Oh, dear god, I'm the grown-up who sees the world through my job. I'm like my Uncle Dave the plumber, and I must be shunned."Tara: "Do you have any books on robots?"
Giles: "Oh, yes. Dozens. There's an enormous amount of research we should do before-- No, I'm lying. I haven't got squat. I just like to see Xander squirm."
Xander: "Funny. Charming and funny."Xander: "She's a sexbot. I mean, what guy doesn't dream about that? Beautiful girl with no other thought but to please you, willing to do anything." (pause) "Too many girls. I miss Oz. He'd get it. He wouldn't say anything, but he'd get it."
Xander: "Robots are the strangest people."
Joyce: "I think we're just about ready for pie."
Xander: "And then I'll be pretty much ready for barf."
Buffy: "Xander!"
Dawn: "Gross."
Xander: "You know, barf from the eating. 'Cause all was good and too much goodness."Xander: "Are you in the vomit club, too?"
Dawn: "My nog tastes funny. I think I got one with rum in it."
Willow: "That's bad."
Xander: "Yeah, now Santa's gonna pass you right by, naughty boozehound."Anya: "There is a Santa Claus."
Xander: "The advantage of having a thousand-year-old girlfriend. Inside scoop."Xander: (boom) "Sorry. Sorry, some... pent-up..."
Willow: "Xander... where did your hand go?"
Xander: "As I was saying, some frustration and now, um... I appear to be stuck."Anya: "You could have hit an electrical... thing."
Xander: "And again with the sorry."
Willow: "Did it make you feel better?"
Xander: "For a second there."Anya: "I wish that Joyce didn't die. Because she was nice. And now we all hurt."
Xander: "Anya -- ever the wordsmith."Xander: "You going home?"
Willow: "I'm gonna stop by my mom's first. I've been doing that a lot lately."
Xander: "Yeah, I actually might stop by your mom's too. (off Willow's look) Well, I'm not going to my place. Those people are scary."Xander: "Oh, like you care about her."
Spike: "Care? Joyce was the only one of the lot of you I could stand!"
Xander: "And she was the only one with a daughter you wanted to shag. I'm touched."Anya: "Well, I just think understand sex now. It's not just about two bodies smooshing together. It's about life. It's about making life."
Xander: "Right. When two people are much older, and way richer, and far less stupid."Xander: "The guys who work for Glory, you said they're kinda like hobbits with leprosy? Well this was a whole flock of hobbits."
Xander: "We saw you and Spike with the straddling...."
Buffybot: "Spike's mine! Who's straddling Spike?"
Buffy: "Oh my God..."
Xander: "And so say all of us."Xander: "Spike must have had her built so he could program her to..."
Buffy: "Oh, God!"
Willow: "Imagine the things..."
Buffy: "No! No imagining, any of you."
Xander: (raises hand) "Already got the visual."Xander: "Hey, what's up? It's Dawn Giovanni and the Buffster!"
Xander: "And that's cool too. Whatever you choose, you've got my support. Just think of me as... as your... uh, you know I'm searching for supportive things and I'm coming up all 'bras', so something slightly more manly -- think of me as that."
Xander: "That guy is bloodsucking the last nerve right out of me!"
Xander: "We've got company! And they brought a crusade."
Xander: "Whoa! Hey! This is war, isn't it? If there's one thing I've learned from Sergeant Rock is that in war there are rules... or at least there should be if you're as honorable as you think you are. Plus we do have your General Forehead guy."
Xander: "Spike, come on, we're not gonna get Dawn back by sittin' around here."
spike: "You're not gonna get Dawn back any way you slice it, Harris, it's for Buffy to decide."
Xander: "Good, panic. That oughta help."
Willow: "We should move her. U-unless we shouldn't. Should we?"
Anya: "Couldn't that make it worse? I think I read that somewhere."
Xander: "I am so large with not knowing."
Xander: "Why blood? Why Dawn's blood? I mean, why couldn't it be like a, a lymph ritual?"
Spike: "'Cause it's always got to be blood."
Xander: "We're not actually discussing dinner right now."Xander: "Spike's sex-bot. Why didn't they just melt it down into scrap?"
Anya: "Maybe Willow wanted it."
Xander: "I don't think Willow feels that way about, about Buffy. I mean, I know she's gone through a lot of changes, but-"
Anya: "To study it."
Xander: "Right. Robotics. Science."
Anya: "Pervert."
Xander: "Other pervert."Xander: "Anya ... you wanna marry me?"
[Anya Slaps Xander]
Xander: "Can I take that as a "maybe"?"Xander: "Hey, I happen to be-"
Spike: "A glorified bricklayer?"
Xander: "I'm also a swell bowler."Xander: "The glorified bricklayer picks up a spare."
Quotes up till the end of "The Gift".