Does your boss make you sick?

V. How can I stop it (employee abuse)?
   The easiest and best thing to do is change jobs. If you have good, rational reasons for staying, you must begin by following all your company's procedures for resolving problems, which, no doubt, start with trying to work things out with your abuser.
   Abuse has nothing to do with reason, so don't fool yourself that you can change an abuser by reasoning with him. However, this step serves two important purposes: a) What you perceive as abuse may be genuine misunderstandings between you and your boss that you can work out; and b) everyone you go to for help will want to know what you have done to try to resolve the problems and you must be able to report that you have done everything you could.
   Learn the game. Mental abuse is a vicious mind game and if you don't want to leave the field, you have to play. You don't have to destroy your opponent to win the game, so don't waste your time and stress figuring out how to "get him". You win when you stop being abused--when you are no longer a victim--which means you win even if you quit, and you can quit any time you want to.
   Remember this when you are dealing with a mentally-abusive person: If you keep on doing what you're doing, you're going to keep on getting what you're getting.
   Because your abuser has control over whether you keep your job or not, he gets to make the rules. But he can only control a game as long as you do what he expects you to do and you can throw him off his game if you become unpredictable.
  Also, he has kept the game in the corner of the arena where he has control, but this is just a preliminatry game. If you can't beat him there, you can move the action to the center of the field for the big game where others make the rules, which are called laws. Therefore, your strategy must be to just "play along" and try to get him "off his game" while you prepare to take the battle to where you have a better chance of winning.
   Play the game your way. Here are a few ideas that might help you win right where you are. If not, they can make your life a little easier while you prepare for the big game:

   Be the classy one in the joint; don't let your anger rule; think before dealing with your abuser; act, rather than react to her put-downs. If she accuses you of something you didn't do, state your case and leave it at that. Bullies love it when you get defensive, because they see you as helpless, which means they have control, so don't encourage her by giving her that satisfaction.

   If you don't handle stress well, learn how from a mental health pro, book, or friend, or take a class.

   Try not to confront or aggravate her in a way that could get you fired. You want control over whether or not you leave and when, and under what circumstances, preferably after you've found a better job. Also you want to be able to say you quit whenever the subject comes up.

   When a bully can hurt you, she is in charge. When you don't let her hurt you, you are in charge. When she calls the shots about when to put you down or falsely accuse you, or whatever it is she does, she has control. When you refuse to fight or accept her put-downs, you have control.

   Don't retaliate. Above all, keep your record clean and do the very best work you can. Don't give your abuser anything to work with when she has to explain her behavior to someone and tries to excuse it as necessary discipline or constructive criticism.

   Remember this: People tend not to empathize with "sinners who throw stones", and empathy could come in handy before this is over.

   1. Keep an ongoing, dated, detailed log and all documents related to your abuse, beginning now, and keep it all at home. If you take your case up the chain of command or into a courtroom, what you say must be accurate and your credibility goes up about 500 percent when you've kept a log.
   Warning: Your log can be subpoenaed if the other side knows about it. Also, your mental and physical health records can be subpoenaed when your health is the issue.
   2. Plan what you will do in case you do get fired, decide to quit before you have another job, or, God forbid, depression gets such a hold on you that you can't work. This is more than just smart. Your abuser can't control you if you are not desperate to keep your job; your stress level goes down, which makes depression less likely; and you can do whatever you must much more effectively when you aren't in a panic about losing your job, home, car, etc.
   For instance, if you quit for a good reason, you can collect unemployment benefits if you are able to work. But, if you put up with your abuse too long, you can become too sick to work. If that should happen here are some suggestions:

   a) Read your company's benefit plan to see if disability covers mental illness. Do not clue in HR at that point.
   b) Find out if your state is one of the many in which mental illness caused by the work environment is covered by workers' comp as an industrial disease. You can probably look it up on the web. (Utah residents see VII. For Utah residents only)
   c) Pay off your credit cards in case you need them to buy food and pay bills. Tighten your budget and save all you can in case you need it for kids' shoes and jeans.
   d) Find out what is required to get HUD to subsidize your housing. Again, try the web.

   Also, the Red Cross helps with utilities and utility companies provide information about other agencies that will help, and most phone companies offer discounts for people with low incomes or disabilities. University medical and dental schools provide free or low-cost services to people who can't afford them, and almost every community has several agencies that can help or tell you where to get what you need to survive financially until you can work again.
   3. Stick to the truth. Don't even exaggerate, no matter who else lies or how damaging their lies are, if for no other reason than that you will get caught.
   4. Do not discuss the problems you are having with your boss or what you are doing about them with anyone in the company or any of their friends. You may think you are paranoid, but people do cruddy things when their jobs are at stake and the back-stabbing you think you are imagining may be real.
   5. Look up all the federal and state laws that govern labor, and make sure you have the most recent records. Most are on the web.  Above all, look up statutes of limitations, because you can really screw things up if you miss a deadline. Use key words like discrimination, retaliation, harassment, and constructive discharge (when your employer deliberately makes you so miserable you have to quit). Also try to find the outcomes of cases similar to yours. You may need an attorney to help with this kind of research.
   Do not believe court clerks, legal secretaries, or paralegals, many of whom think they know everything, but don't. "They can't do that," or, "You can do this," is only good for starting a search for facts, unless your own attorney says it, and you still might want to read the law for yourself.
   Do not believe me. I'm not a lawyer.

   1. Follow company procedures for filing complaints/grievances. If there are no written procedures, go to human resources or up the chain of command. If you are a member of a union, your union should take care of this. Write letters to a vice president or two and the CEO before taking the problem outside of the company. You never know who might jump in and do something, and if they don't, you want to be able to tell whoever asks that you tried. You also want to lay the groundwork for holding the company responsible for what its managers do.

   2. File a complaint with the appropriate public agency for your particular grievances, which you should know from your research (No. 5 above). If you believe you are the victim of discrimination, start with the Equal Employment Opportunity office. If you think the problem is just that your boss is an as--h-le, file a complaint with your state labor commission. Let the agency investigate for you, but keep a close eye on what it does. If, at any time, you feel it is not acting in your best interest and you can't get it back on track, it's time to consult a lawyer.

   3. You can appeal any decision by any state or federal agency if you're willing to take your battle into the court system, which is definitely the time to talk to a lawyer if you haven't before. There's a good chance you can find one who will take your case on contingency, but you may still have to pay expenses, which can be costly, so get those details settled, in writing, up front. Be stingy about advance payments. If you don't like how your lawyer does things, you want to be able to get a new one without losing a lot of money.

   Warning: Court battles are hell. Your boss' mean games are nothing compared to the ones played in the courts, where winning is everything and justice is rarely an issue. The victim is more like the ball in a tennis match than a suffering human being, and the winner is usually the one who can pay the best lawyers to play the longest and meanest game. (See my logo at the top of this page.) That doesn't mean you can't win, but don't expect to just because you deserve to.