Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.
Might I suggest you the send the above-mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw? (See attached article... HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A satisfied taxpayer
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A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"Oh, that's the same with us," nodded the American,
"Only we see stars, too!"
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"Dear IRS: I would like to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list..."
(Don't you wish you *could* do that?)
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After 10 minutes Saddam presses the first button, and WHACK a boxing glove hits Clinton in the face. Clinton grabs his nose, while Saddam just laughs.
Clinton manages to remain calm until, after another 10 minutes, Saddam presses the second button, and another boxing glove hits Clinton in the stomach. While Clinton is gasping for air, Saddam falls out of his chair from laughing.
Clinton is highly annoyed by now, but remains outwardly calm. After another 5 minutes, Saddam presses the third button, and from under the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, this time right in the crotch. Clinton is really fed up by it now and breaks off the talks.
"We'll continue this next week in the White House," says the President. Saddam, has tears in his eyes from laughing, and can only nod in agreement.
As agreed, Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval Office a week later, and as Saddam sits down, he sees three buttons in the armrest of Clinton's chair.
As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees Clinton press the first button and immediately ducks, but nothing happens.
This doesn't stop Clinton from laughing really loud. Clinton continues where he left off, and after a few minutes presses the second button. Saddam again reacts instinctively, and jumps up to avoid whatever is coming.
Again absolutely nothing happens, and this time it's Clinton who falls out of his chair from laughing. Saddam is totally bewildered, and wonders what the hell is happening. But no harm has come to him, so he retakes his seat and the talks continue.
After a few more minutes, Clinton presses the third button. This time, Saddam doesn't even flinch, but stays in his chair as though nothing unusual is taking place. Clinton, however, is rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughter.
Saddam is not only bewildered--now he is angry. He springs to his feet and shouts, "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad!"
Through tears of laughter, Clinton says, "Baghdad.... what Baghdad?"
What we have here is FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE:
This is a transcript of a radio conversation between a US and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October,1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95
AMERICANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDER TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
If you are wondering if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable, you must be a Republican.
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I'm involved in a big dispute with the IRS. I say my car should be 100% deductable, they say 50%. I use the front seat for business and the back seat for entertainment.
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People who complain about paying their income tax can be divided into two types: Men and Women.
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How come the IRS collects taxes to the penny but when congress spends money they always round up to the nearest billion?
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When your ship comes in, it's always docked by the Government.
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The taxman was surprised to receive a letter which read, "Dear Sir, Last year I cheated on my tax and I can't sleep for thinking about it. I am therefore enclosing a check for $2, 000. If I find that I still can't sleep, I'll send you the balance."
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I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money. ( Arthur Godfrey )
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The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State building after taxes.
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You've got to hand it to the tax collector. If you don't, he'll come and get it.
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A taxpayer is someone who works for the federal government but who doesn't have to take a civil service examination. (Ronald Reagan )
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It's getting harder and harder to support the government in a style to which it has become accustomed.