Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized
it yet.
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v.
To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes,
diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he,
"made the dinner".
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of
peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the
store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to
duplicate again. See "Magician".
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out
anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your
hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his
collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After
children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See
also "tranquilizers".
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and
romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try
to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n
The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up
doing it yourself ...anyway.
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PMS Signs
Everyone you come in contact with seems to have an attitude problem
You had the entire Dale Carnegie class in tears
You met Hillary Clinton and after 10 minutes, she asked for your autograph
You add chocolate chips to your cheese omelette
At the latest horror flick, you rooted for the monster
You wonder if the Sun has always been that bright, and that noisy
The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans
You wonder if "too stupid to live" is considered justifiable homicide
The Policeman who stopped you for speeding has filed brutality charges against you
Your husband/boyfriend is suddenly agreeing to everything you say
You find yourself checking your Mace and Pepper Spray each morning
At lunch, you ask the hostess to be seated in the PMS Section
You use your car phone to report every truck with: "How's my driving ? Call 1-800-***-****
You now have custom indentations in the steering wheel for your fingers
Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice
You think there should be a PMS simulator for all men
You're convinced there's a God and he's male
You're ready to deck the next guy who sez, "Oh, is this your time of the month ?"
You're counting down the days until menopause
You wonder why "male bashing" is done with words and not a baseball bat
You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy
You remind the Jokesters that PMS applies to me too (Pretentious Macho Studs)
The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday
You call Howard Stern, and after 2 minutes, he hangs up on you
You had to start using your industrial strength underarm deodorant again
You made "Angels in the Snow" with the kids, but yours melted down to the grass
You requested your last steak be served raw
You put a knee in the groin of the last guy who held the door open for you
Your kids do their homework, eat all their veggies and go to bed on time
This week, there are 7 "Letters to the Editor" in the paper all from you