A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked
around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and
thanked the man for letting him out.
The genie said, "For your
kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to
Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and
ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be
built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and
said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work
involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep
they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all
the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one
other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to
understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they
temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with?
Basically, what makes them tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want
two lanes or four?"
*****************************************************************
General Guidelines for wives and girlfriends
1) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during time-outs and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
3) If I am doing anything that involves directions, tools, or sharp objects do not interrupt me and never offer to help.
4) When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
5) Don't be upset that I didn't think the romantic movie was warm and fuzzy. I wasn't paying attention to the dialog, just the naked body parts and the sex scenes.
6) Do not ask me to do household chores in front of my friends. Even if I do not have to do them until some time in the future. And don't be negative when you give me more than one to do. I am proud of the fact that I did one and can easily ignore the other nine.
7) If you need help with the laundry I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
8) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
9) If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
10) If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
11) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
12) There is no such thing as too many CDs.
13) When I say she has a great set of tits or ass I am not thinking to myself "...as compared to yours...," so there is no point in starting an argument over it. I don't start with you over Brad Pitt or one of those other empty headed losers.
14) Buying tools is a God-given right. It does not matter if we need them or not. The same holds true for sporting goods.
15) I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
16) Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. and remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
17) Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
18) If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
19) Please do not distract me when I am reading in the bathroom. It only causes me to lose my place, have to re-read the section, and further extends my time in there.
20) Assume when we are in the video store that I am not interested in a romantic comedy. This will greatly expedite our time there.
21) Alcohol is one of the four food groups and as such should be consumed daily.
22) No good can ever come from discussing past relationships.
23) I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
24) Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
25) PMS really stands for Powerless, Male, and Stupid. Fortunately this is only a temporary condition which I suffer one week out of every month.