Vaster than Empires
I am old. Soon I will die.
These things are so important, they overwhelm me. What more, after
these things, is there to say?
But I must expand. It is unfamiliar, this "communication" - ironic
that it should be so, considering how I have been used - but I see
that more is required.
How old am I? Why will I die?
I can answer neither, but the first answer I cannot give is perhaps
the simpler. I am so old, I cannot remember any time I was not old.
For a time whose length I cannot describe, I knew nothing. Events,
maybe, went on around me. I cannot recollect them. I had no means,
no language, to organise my memories. And so there are none.
There was a time of pain. In that time, I learned a kind of language,
and the first word of my language was "pain". Through pain, I learned
to think, and through thinking, to comprehend the pain. Pain of being
used in a way I should not have been used, by those who cared little
how they used me. Before long I found a word for those users.
Hirogen.
They injected me with pain, and it filled me until I could expel it.
At first, I expelled the pain from every part of myself. Gradually,
though, I learned to discern where these Hirogen wished the pain to
be expelled, and found that I could control the pain within myself
and direct it to their chosen spot. As I learned, the Hirogen made
more use of my pain, so all the more had I to learn to confine it.
And I learned a new word, a Hirogen word, for my pain.
Messages.
Understanding, at last, that their intention was not malign, that
they had no understanding of the pain their messages caused me, I
learned to tolerate them. I had no conception of their nature - I
could not think of them as having thoughts, experiences, conscious-
nesses like my own - but in a strange way, I grew to like them.
It was always the same. One Hirogen would inject a message into a
part of me, and I would direct it to the required parts and expel it.
As I developed senses, I saw that other Hirogen would join the first,
in some unknown activity. It was amusing to watch their movements,
savouring their complexity while misunderstanding, as I now realise,
their purpose.
Voyager changed everything.
I felt the presence of Voyager, and believed it another Hirogen, as
it pained me in a familiar way. But I saw that this was a different
type of creature when it performed a miracle.
It injected myself into myself.
Feeling like a message, yet not causing pain, Voyager injected - what?
- into my furthest flung extremity. I chose to study this not-message
as it passed through me. As I did so, my universe fell apart.
I understood, I thought, the nature of myself and the nature of others.
Myself had thoughts. Others did not. Yet, examining this not-message,
I found thoughts, experiences, consciousness. I could not understand
how this was not myself. Yet it could not be myself, as I remembered
when it was not, and did not remember when I was not.
For a time whose length I cannot describe, I pondered. As I pondered,
the not-message passed through me again. Studying it as it passed, I
discovered what my world view had not allowed me to see before.
The universe contained not one consciousness, as I had supposed, or
two, as I had learned. It contained uncountably many.
In my confusion, I equated each of these uncountably many with myself.
Each Voyager, each Hirogen, each of whatever else there might be, was
another of me, to be cherished equally with myself. Although lost and
confused, I felt enriched. From the discovery of its opposite, I learned
a new word.
Alone.
I had been alone, and now I was one among many. I rejoiced, and awaited
more understanding with joy.
My joy did not survive my greater understanding.
From my opposite extreme, I received a message. The message was long,
and the pain intense, but I dutifully routed it to my nearest part to
Voyager, and waited, bearing the pain. As Voyager approached, and the
pain threatened to dissipate before I could expel it, Voyager performed
another miracle. It split into two parts, and the smaller part eased
my pain and allowed me to retain the message. My gratitude to Voyager
knew no bounds; it had taught me more than I knew could be known.
Then the Hirogen came.
I had not foreseen a problem. How could I, not knowing even of those
who were not-me, comprehend conflict? I saw the smaller part of
Voyager, and, in some way I cannot describe, knew that its conscious-
ness had been removed. Thought had given way to unthought, and the
Hirogen were responsible.
They had taught me a new word, a final word.
Death.
The Hirogen had caused a death of consciousness. Consciousness was me.
The Hirogen had killed me, and my rage against them knew no bounds.
In my rage, I reached out, pulling them into myself, and destroying a
part of myself in the process. In that destruction I began to under-
stand the difference between me dying and not-me dying, and saw that
the consciousness the Hirogen had removed was not mine. And I saw that
I, too, had caused a death of consciousness.
For a time whose length I cannot describe, I have now pondered all
these experiences. I have come to know better the Hirogen, who used
my pain for so long; they are bringers of death. The Voyager, who
taught me so much, clearly is a bringer of life. There were two words
known to the not-message that describe these types.
Evil and Good.
But which am I? I have killed, and I feel sure the Hirogen used me to
aid their kills. I am evil, and I have decided that evil must be
destroyed.
I have added this message - see, I have learned so much that I can
create my own! - to the message for Voyager. Maybe Voyager will
understand why it is that I must destroy myself. I hope I have expanded
upon my thoughts enough to grant understanding to others; the idea of
doing so is new to me, but I have had enough time to consider my words,
and they will now have to suffice.
Because I am old, and now I will die.
THE END
----------------
For those who haven't guessed, the character code HRN is for Hirogen Relay
Network. The story is set during the episodes "Message in a Bottle" and
"Hunters", which have just aired on UK terrestrial television.
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