Two nuns are riding their bikes on the back streets of Rome, and
one nun leans over and whispers to the other: "I've never
come this way before."
The other nun replies: "It's the cobblestones."
A CONDOM LESSON....
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What's are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see", replied the boys pensively. "Yes,
I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,
"Why are there 3 in this package ?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for
Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool !" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and
asks, "Then who are these for ?"
"Those are for college men", The dad answers,
"TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for
Sunday."
"WOW !" exclaimed the boy; "Then who uses
THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One
for January, one for February, one for March..."
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his
daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.
He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the
store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window
?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have "Barbie goes to
the gym" for $19.95, "Barbie goes to the Ball" for
$19.95, Barbie goes shopping for $19.95, "Barbie goes to the
beach" for $19.95, "Barbie goes to the Nightclub"
for $19.95 and "Divorced Barbie" for $375.00"
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are
$19.95 ?!?" Our Dad asked surprised.
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House,
Ken's boat, Ken's dog and Ken's furniture."...
A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door
and says, "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery!"
The wife says, "Wow ! That's great !
Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains
?"
He says, "I don't care. Just get the f*ck out."
The Irishman
After a long illness, An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy
in the eye. "I've some bad news for you ..... you have
cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a
month."
Murphy was shocked and saddened by the news, but being of solid
character he managed to compose himself and walk from the
doctor's office into the waiting room where his son had been
waiting.
Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and
we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things
aren't so well. I've got cancer and have been given a short
time to live, so let's head for the pub and have a few
pints.
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less
somber.
There were some laughs and more beers.
They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends
who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy said, "The
Irish celebrate the good and the bad, so we're drinking to my
impending end. I've only a few weeks to live as I have been
diagnosed with AIDS."
Murphy's friends gave him their condolences and they had a
couple more beers.
After the friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered
his confusion....."Dad, I thought you said that you were dying
from cancer. You just told your friends you were dying from
AIDS?"
Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't
want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone.
Why yelling at a man doesn't work
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to
wear, if we don't do the laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
"blah blah blah blah C'MON blah blah blah blah YOU AND I
blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah blah blah blah blah NO CLOTHES
blah blah blah blah blah RIGHT NOW.
Wedding dress
A fresh faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his
mother with the following question: "Mom, why are wedding
dresses white ?"
The mother looks at her son and replies: "Son, this shows the
town that your bride is pure."
The lad thanks his mom and goes off to double check this with his
father: "Dad, why are wedding dresses white ?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says: "Son, all
household appliances come in white."
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says,
"Mom, what are those things on your chest !?"
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at
breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be
forgotten.
Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father
the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says,
"Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can
blow them up and she'll float to heaven".
Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few
hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically,
"Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying !!"
His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's
dying ?"
"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's
screaming "Oh God, I'm coming !"
Little Johnny came home from school, and his mother asked,
"How was your day, dear ?"
He replied: " Pretty good. I ate all my jam sandwiches for
lunch passed my spelling test, came first in the 100 metres sprint,
was in the winning basketball team and got a f#@* on the way
home." His mother was shocked and yelled at him, "I
won't have you talking filth like that! It's disgusting.
Get to your room, you just wait till your father gets
home."
So little Johnny went upstairs to his room.
When his father got home, Little Johnny's mother told him he
had better go up and talk to him. He went up to his room and said,
"What sort of a day did you have in school son ?"
Little Johnny said, " Pretty good Dad. I ate all my jam
sandwiches for lunch, passed my spelling test, came first in the
100 metres sprint, was in the winning basketball team and got a
f#@* on the way home."
His father went downstairs into the kitchen and reefed the cast
iron frying pan from where it was hanging on the wall. His mother
was horrified. "What are you going to do with that ?
You're not going to hit him !" she cried.
The father said, "No. He can't do all that on jam
sandwiches - I'm going to cook him a steak."
A teacher asks her class "If there are 5 birds sitting on a
fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" she
calls on little Johnny and he replies, "None, they all fly
away with the first gun shot." The teacher replys "The
correct answer is 4 but I like your thinking." Then Johnny
says " I have a question for you, there are three women
sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the
sides of the ice cream scoop, another gobbled down the top and
sucked the cone, and the third bit off the top of the ice cream -
Which one is married ?" The teacher, blushing a great deal,
replied "Well, I suppose the one that has gobbled down the top
and sucked the cone"
to which litttle Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the
one with a wedding ring on, but I like your thinking !"
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle
of the night, in search of a glass of water.
Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his
folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims
"Oh, boy ! Horsie ride ! Daddy, can I ride on your back
?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable
questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride,
agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon
mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on
tight, Daddy ! This is the part where me and the milkman usually
get bucked off !"
Little Johnny's sitting at the roadside playing. His mum
looks out of the window to see him eating a couple of smarties,
licking the family cat and then, standing up, taking a couple of
steps to the left and sitting down again.
Shocked, she goes out to see what he is up to. By the time she gets
to him, he's has gone through the same set of actions another
four times.
"Johnny", she cries, "What are you up to ?
!!"
"Mum, I'm pretending to be a Hell's Angel - I'm
popping pills, licking pussy and moving on."
It was the end of the schoolyear. The teacher had turned in her grades; there was nothing really for the class to do. All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher though of an activity. She said "The first one to answer correctly the questions I ask may leave early today". Little Johnny said to himself "Good, I'm smart and I wanna get outa here". The teacher said "Who said 'Four score and seven years ago' ?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said "That's right, Susie. You may go". Johnny was really mad that Susie had answered first. The teacher asked "Who said 'I have a dream' ?" but before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said "Martin Luther King !". The teacher said "That's right, Mary. You may go". Johnny was even madder than before because Mary had answered first. Then the teacher asked "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you' ?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped "John Kennedy !" and the teacher said "That's right, Nancy. You may go". Now Johnny was furious ! The teacher turned her back and Johnny muttered "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut". The teacher spun around. "Who said that ?" Johnny said "Bill Clinton. Can I go now ?"
Hillary wants to have sex with Bill now every morning at 5
o'clock
- just to make sure that she's the First Lady.
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