It has been some time since I've written. I tore down my Xanga for various reasons, and in the midst of my move, I lost internet for a while, and there have just been other things to do. Even then, I've still managed to ignore different projects around the house. Managed or planned...not sure which is more accurate. I guess fully moving in just hasn't been a priority really. I don't feel a rush for anything, and I don't have anyone coming in to impress. Plus it feels homey enough right now...although there is still a dining room table to buy. And even now, I don't want to write much...I just wanted to put a little something down because I do miss it at times. To the future...

It's a beautiful lazy Sunday afternoon, and I feel like I am just wasting my life away. It's a good feeling.

Well, I shut the monitor off, and I'm just going to type. I think my most profound thought today had something to do with how amazing it is that something like emotions can affect the body physically. I don't know what an emotion is physiologically, but it seems like something that is from the mind and for that to cause a bodily reaction just seems quite amazing to me. There are so many things I could say, but I thinkk I'll keep them mostly inside still. Some things are just to privvate. I have no idea what is going on with my boss. She called me shortly after 8:30 to let mme know that she would not be coming oin today as she received a 4am call from her sister who is in very poor health. That wasn't such a big deal...although a 4 ammmmmm call is something that is probably pretty scary. Anyhow, the real big news came hours later: I was informed that she would not be coming in for the rest of the week. I feel so bad for her. She's such a nice good lady, and she has all theis personal life stuff going on that she has had to try and push to the bakground as mcuh as possible just fo funtion. It makes everything else that has been going on in my life seem not so important. I think this is going to be a long week. I'm so glad I took all of Friday off. I hope I'll be glad I ordered Celtic Woman. I don't know. I won't fall asleep anytime soon, but I gotta head to bed.

Well went to see Spanglish tonight, and I loved it. That isn't my story though. I think my story starts ....no, that isn't true. It didn't really start there, I think I just want to say it does for dramatic effect. I was really thinking about it last night. But for the sake of things, I'll say it started with the end of tonight and the hug goodnight. I seized that much more than usual. And there was a strong feeling of I didn't want the night to stop right there. And it's hard because I am thinking about things and just wanting it to be not too seriious and not get to the point where it's, oh I don't know...taking up every waking moment. And that's how things are. But I suspect that I want more even though I don't want things to get to that point. If that makes any sense to anyone besides me. I think it all boils down to a yearning for more, but not really wanting more to be right now. And that is a tough conflict within the emotional realm. Yeah, I guess that'll be enough for now.

Hmm...I could start a paragraph about how work has been going, but I don't want to go off on a huge tangent. Instead, I'll simply forget what I was going to write about. Drat.

Well it has been a couple or few weeks now since I've supposedly started a career in banking. Thus far, I'd have to say I'm much frustrated by the lack of action. I've been working on some miscellaneous projects, but that isn't the same as doing actual banking. Granted, I'm not conviced that banking is a career that I'd like to stay in long term, but it is the once I've chosen for now, and the fact that I'm on my employer's back burner it seems is a little discouraging. That said...I think I'll stop whining now. I have realized that I will really need to spend my own time boning on current topics in relevant fields if I really want to get ahead. Sometimes I'm amazed at the knowledge base a lot of the people there have. I think is enough of just write for this edition.

I guess I'll have a couple things to talk about today. The first is that with this new phase in my life, I have no idea what to do with myself now. It all really stems from the Sunday sermon. The pastor held a mailing that had been sent to North Fargo residents. It read in big black bold letters: "Work. Buy Stuff. Eat. Sleep. Repeat." I'm thinking that is what my life is becoming, but I don't know what to do about that. The point of the sermon, and this mailing, is that, as christians, it is our duty/job/role/whatever to live life with the deeper meaning in mind. And the deeper meaning is to live for God. But even I, a self-professed christian, and what I would probably even go so far to say as born again don't really know what that means. Yeah, there is the whole great commission thing about going out into the world to proclaim the gospel, but that isn't me. Maybe I should do that, maybe I really should, but I just don't see that happening. And so in the meantime, what am I supposed to do? Go home and read the bible and pray? I'm sure that would be a good start, but even that doesn't seem like it is actually doing something. I'm looking for an action to fill the so-called void in my life. Add to that that my circle of friends nearly exclusively involves college students with varied schedules on one side, and peoples who are either married or practically so, and I find myself in this odd little middle twilight zone. Last night I sat around watching a little bit of television and reading a book and cleaning up a little and talking on the phone. Almost my entire life, I've felt a responsibility to work for the greater good. In college, I started thinking I could fulfill that through my career. Now I'm starting in banking for a company whose mission is help small-medium sized businesses grow and succeed while taking as much of their money as possible without bleeding them dry. And I know that isn't quite the case, but it's fairly close for my purposes. And then I go home and night and "waste" the time I've been given doing trivial things. I'm frustrated.

It's a weird thing, being in a relationship. You have such intense feelings, and it's exciting, and you get some doubts, and everything is new.... I don't know. It's just weird. And I think about marriage a lot. I think even more so because of our age difference. Maybe I have matured, but I am not hoping this leads to marriage. Well, I am, and I'm not. In the general sense, I'd like this relationship to lead to that, but in the specific, I don't spend my time thinking and wishing and hoping that she is "the one." Part of that is just knowing that this can't get very serious in a short amount of time. But I think part of that too is telling myself to be patient and not rushing things to let things develop over time...letting each of us learn more about each other and not let feelings get in the way. As I say that, I smile. I'm already arguing with myself about "not letting feelings get in the way." I like that though. From past history and other things, I've learned that you can almost force emotions. When you start to share things with another person, you can get caught up in an emotional rush and start to crave those feelings and not really care about the person. It's sore of like a high I guess. I guess what I'm trying to tell myself through my writing is that I really like how things have been going. Nothing feels forced. The things I was worried about initially haven't come to pass, and I don't think they will. Could there be a better assessment than that whenever I get to thinking about things, I invariably develop a smile?

It's been a little over two months now. The secret is sort of gradually coming out. It's not really a secret although I have not been telling the world about this new development. You tend to get lots of strange looks and many questions when the world finds out you are dating someone six years your junior. That's ok. I can deal with that. The thing I think I need to be most careful with is myself. Looking at my past history and the way I look at love, I know what I have a tendancy to hope for the very best and can get disappointed by anything less. You know...I don't think I want to share any more with the world. Not today. Not about this.

Ha! I see the last thing I wrote about was cell phones. I'd guess that would make it a pet peeve topic for me. Star Trib Story I'm embarrassed to talk on my cell phone in public. I do it from time to time, but not if I can avoid it. And I do ignore calls. My most recent example of that would be on Sunday night when I was at Doolittle's with my sister and her friend. I ignored a call from Bridge. Bridgette! Someone I knew I wouldn't have many opportunities to speak with over the next few days due to conflicting schedules. Someone whom I'd terribly like to speak with. But when you are out with a couple friends at, not a five star, but a sort of nice restaraunt, I just think it is a courtesy to your dinner party and other guests that you keep your conversations at the table actually at the table. By that I mean in somewhat hushed voices. Because when you are on a cell phone, we tend to speak a little louder so that we can be well heard on the other end. Of course, maybe fifteen minutes later, my sister's friend saw she had missed two calls and immediately checked her voice mails. Yes, my blood began to simmer a tad. A couple weeks ago at the Green Mill, I was having a couple drinks with Tim and Natalie. We were in the bar, but this is the Green Mill and it was around 2 or 3 in the afternoon, so again, it is sort of a nicer atmosphere. I didn't hear them, but I looked over and I saw two women having lunch with their kids (one each). Both women were on their cell phones. Why even go out to lunch together? And I understand that I can be highly critical, and maybe I'm just not with the program, and my values aren't in touch with the times. But isn't that annoying? If you take the time to go out to eat with a friend, wouldn't you want to spend the time socializing with that person? I know when I decided to get a cell phone, I had all these ideas about when I was going to use it, how, why and all that jazz. I'm not following all those ideas I had 14 months ago, but I haven't strayed far from the guiding principle: My phone is for my convenience. If it isn't convenient, it can wait. I was going to finish off with something about how I might take life too seriously. But then I remembered who I am. :) People, all I'm saying is when you're out in public and you hear that ring or feel that buzz, think twice. This might make a good DGA article. With some editing.

Maybe I'm just too critical, but sometimes it seems as if people just don't think things through. Working this morning and my co-hort's cell phone rings just after she took a deposit with a lot of cash to count. She exclaimed, "People! I'm working!" And then proceeded to answer her cell phone. And do the deposit. Still on the phone. I'm not saying I haven't done it. Not to this degree though.

As I wrote the title page for this, it reminded me of something from What Women Want. It reminded me of what they came up with for their push to sign Nike as a client, "No Games, Just Sports." And I think I'm going to take to heart the title of this page. Just write. I don't want to do any fancy editing with this page. Black letters on a white background will do for now. No dates. Yeah, I might play with my index page and all that jazz, but we'll see. This is simple for now, and that does me just fine. I am wondering why I'm having two journals. I can't answer my own question. hahaha...SNL Celebrity Jeopardy. Lucy Liu played Catherine Zeta Jones and for final jeopardy, the task was to ask yourself a question and then answer it. She asked herself, "What sound does a doggy make?" She didn't answer. Alex: "And Catherine Zeta Jones...you asked yourself, "What sound does a doggy make? Ok, and your answer....nothing. You couldn't answer your own question." "It was hard!" Oh, that just makes me laugh. And I think that is enough for now.