WE, THE LOVERS OF ANYTHING IN THE GENERAL VICINITY OF THE GROIN, IN ORDER TO FORM A MORE PERFECT FONDLE, OR BLATANT GROPE, AND TO  ENABLE THE MIGHTY (Yet oft neglected) FULL FRONTAL ALL OVER BODY LICK, AND TO PROMOTE TO WHOM WE PLEASE (FOR A REASONABLE AND PREDETERMINED AMOUNT OF CASH), BUT PLEASE THE ONE WE KISS BEFORE LEAVING THEM STRANDED IN AN ALLEY WITHOUT BUS FARE.

ARTICLE #1-HOW IT BEGINS-THE KISS (What we do and what we mean)

1. ON THE HAND--- "I want to fool you into thinking I'm polite and romantic when in actuality I've been running a mental porno for over an hour with you as the star."

2. ON THE CHEEK--- "A friendly way to reaffirm our plutonic relationship. Still, I will be holding up your picture with one hand when I get home."

3. ON THE NECK--- "Being the considerate and thoughful type that I am, I figured you'd like a spit covered, drool coated neck."

4. ON THE LIPS---"I don't really like you I just wanted to taste what you had for breakfast."

5. ON THE EAR---"Why did you turn your head? Hmmm ... It must've been the onion rings."

6. ANYWHERE ELSE---"Finally! I thought I was going to have to chloroform you."

7. LOOKING INTO YOUR EYES---"Ewww.... I think the left one could be glass."

8. HANDS ON THE WAIST---"Those Margaritas cost money. Where do you think you're going?"

ARTICLE #2-THE THREE STEPS

1. GIRL---IF A BOY GETS TOO FRESH, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN OUTRAGEOUS SETTLEMENT AND A SPOT ON COURT TV.

2. BOY---IF A GIRL SLAPS YOU, SLEEP WITH HER BEST FRIEND BUT SWEAR THAT DURING THE ACT YOU WERE THINKING ONLY OF HER.

3. BOY AND GIRL---CLOSE YOUR EYES, AND THINK OF THE PERSON YOU'D RATHER BE KISSING. YOU KNOW ... THE PERSON WHO SNUBBED YOU EARLIER IN THE NIGHT AND FORCED YOU TO SETTLE FOR THIS LOSER.

ARTICLE #3-THE THREE COMMANDMENTS

1. THOU SHALT NOT SQUEEZE TOO HARD, WE'RE PEOPLE, NOT PRODUCE.

2. THOU SHALT NOT ASK FOR A KISS. THOU SHALT BEG AND OFFER GIFTS.

3. THOU SHALT KISS ON EVERY OPPORTUNITY, EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO KISS AN UNWILLING STRANGER. BE SURE TO SLIP 'EM THE TONGUE (You don't want to be jailed for a mere peck).

ARTICLE #4-MUST

1. AFTER READING THIS, YOU MUST KISS THE PERSON WHO GAVE YOU THIS UNLESS
    THEY:

A. Have a history of spousal abuse.
B. Will not provide you with a blood sample for DNA testing during the trial.
C. Wear a Letter jacket for the Varsity Date-Rape team.

 ARTICLE #5-CONSEQUENCES

AFTER READING THIS, YOU MUST MAKE 7 COPIES IN SEVEN DAYS TO SEVEN PEOPLE,
OR YOU WILL HAVE 7 INCHES REMOVED FROM YOUR (Breasts or penis. Please,
choose only one)

               REMEMBER...
               A PEACH HAS A PIT,
               A PLUM'S KINDA RED,
               A KISS IS OKAY,
               BUT I'D RATHER HAVE SEX

               SO OPEN YOUR MOUTH,
               AND CLOSE YOUR EYES---
               AND LOSE THE EARRINGS,
               THEY SCRATCH UP MY THIGHS.