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What to do if you win an Oscar:
There is always a tense moment when the aging celebrity rips open the envelope and peers myopically at the contents. Will he pronounce the name wrongly, will he say his own name by mistake, will he fall off the stage? If he calls out YOUR name, here's what you do. As soon as you hear it, SCREAM very loudly. This will help the TV cameras find you. Put your hand over your mouth and shriek OH MY GOD, NO, I DON'T BELIEVE IT. Shake your head a lot in disbelief, and ignore all attempts to shake your hand by other neo-celebrities keen to get into the picture. Then, very slowly, stagger up the aisle. Take as long as you can, prolonging the applause. Appear to be quite mad, this always goes over big, and it makes the audience feel benevolent. If you can contrive to fall over on the steps, everyone will laugh and APPLAUD MUCH LONGER. (A wheelchair or prosthesis or even those Forrest Gump leg-irons will help to extend it as well.) Remember, it's all free TV publicity, so DO prolong it. This is a Business, not an Art. If they wanted Art they'd buy Picassos, not actors and actresses.
DO embrace whichever aging creep has just announce your award, but HOLD YOUR BREATH. A lot of these famous people drink heavily, and under the hot lights with their make-up running this can be the most dangerous part of the Ceremony.
TRY AND CRY. Nobody should go to an Awards Ceremony without taking an onion. This can be easily secreted in the top pocket, or stuffed in a bra. During the embrace, you can inhale on the onion and the tears should be flowing nicely by the time you turn to face the camera. This always looks good on TV.
The applause will be dying by now so you should raise your hands as if to cut it short. Murmur "Please don't stand up" and gesture for them to sit down. The cameras will be on you, so there'll be no danger of them spotting that nobody has. Remember that noone can take your award from you now, and there are MILLIONS of people out there watching. Now is the time for your impromptu ad lib off the cuff Acceptance speech, which you should have LEARNED BY HEART. Speak loudly, slowly, and hog the camera like crazy. This is YOUR moment. Chance are you'll never have another opportunity like this and tomorrow it's back to the hard grind of pleading, blackmail and going over the desk. Good luck, and remember, America loves a winner!
ALL PURPOSE AWARD ACCEPTANCE SPEECH
(SPEAK SLOWLY)
Gosh. (PAUSE) I'm overwhelmed. (PAUSE) I never expected to win so I never prepared anything. (GRIN AT THE AUDIENCE. THEY'LL LAUGH) Just to think I beat (NAME THE LOSERS. THE AUDIENCE LOVES ALL THIS STUFF, ESPECIALLY REMINDERS OF THE BIG EGOS THAT DIDN'T WIN.) I'm so thrilled. This is the biggest moment of my life. (THEY'LL EAT OUT OF YOUR HAND NOW) I'd like to thank Robert, and Jane, and Sandy, and Nick of course, and Pete, and Teddy and Bill, Stu naturally, Barry, Gordon, Justin, Tom, it goes without saying Tony, Steve, Mick, Andrew, Sam, Max, Keith (JUST KEEP GOING. MAKE THE NAMES UP, THE AUDIENCE WON'T CARE. REMEMBER, YOU'RE ON CAMERA, AND THIS IS TV SO IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BORING IT IS. IT CAN'T BE AS BORING AS THE REST OF TELEVISION) Betty, Norman and gosh, just about everybody in the whole world. (SHAKE YOUR HEAD) I don't want to take up your time. You've got much bigger stars which you must be dying to see. I just want to thank you very sincerely from the bottom of my heart. God bless you all, and God bless America. (THEY SHOULD STAND UP AND CHEER THIS. WAVE AT THE CAMERA, BLOW KISSES AT THEM AND EXIT SLOWLY, BUT KEEPING YOUR FACE TOWARDS THEM AT ALL TIMES. ONCE OFF STAGE, YOU'D BETTER HAVE A GOOD, STIFF DRINK AND ENJOY YOURSELF, TOMORROW ITS MR NOBODY AGAIN.)
WHAT YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY ON ACCEPTING AN AWARD
- I thoroughly expected to win.
- I'm the best.
- The rest of the films were goddamn awful.
- It's an insult to be nominated in the same category as those other losers.
- I'm a grown up, and I don't need this candy-ass Award.
- What a rich, over dressed, self indulgent, fat, stuck-up, snobby, trivial, unpleasant stupid audience you are.
- Shove it the lot of you.
And don't forget to be gracious in both victory and defeat - that is, don't mock the losers on camera. That's what the after party is for.
