37help

Okay, besides the all popular show 'SWAT Rats', rats aren't that accepted in today's fast-revolving society. Here however, we hope to help you by dishing up some Rat Recipes, and catering to everyone's favourite taste - the rat! Here goes:

Rat Pie:

Take four medium-sized rats and lay them on the chopping board. Having first made sure the chopper is freshly sharpened, raise it as far above the first rat as you can. Make sure that the rat's neck is well exposed, then bring the chopper down with as much force as possible onto the neck or head of the rat. Then cook it in a pie.

Rat Souffle:

Make sure that the rat's squeals are not audible from the street, particularly in areas where the Anti-Souffle League and similar do-gooders are out to persecute the innocent pleasures of the table. Anyway, cut the rat down and lay it on the chopping board. Raise the chopper high above your head, with the steel glinting in the setting sun, and then bring it down - wham! - with a vivid crunch - straight across the taut neck of the terrified rodent, and make it into a souffle.

Rat Stew:

This recipe is slightly more difficult, and does require preparation. You must first take a bottle of fresh red wine (a Cabernet-Sauvignon is favoured by most chefs), and a mixture of fresh garden herbs. The latter should be chopped finely and heated gently in the wine until the rich aroma of thyme and basil permeates the air and tantallizes your taste-buds. This will eventually become the marinade, and should be cooled down in the fridge until needed. Then, take a small to medium sized rat for each person to be fed. Take a pair of nail clippers or other tiny scissors and trim back the hair on the rat's neck. Swiftly strike a sharp nail through the centre of the dehaired area, watching as it glints menacingly in the light of the first full moon. Suck in the intoxicating scent of terror as the rat screams and convulses its helpless limbs. Take a wooden skewer and ram it quickly down the awaiting throat of the rodent; twist and withdraw to clear its intestines. Then take the sharpest knife in the kitchen and hold it above the rat's weary carcass - savour this moment! It represents the infinite servitude of vermin under man! And bring down the knife with a sweeping motion. Then marinate and stew.

Bits Of Rat Hidden Under A Chair:

This isn't so much a recipe as a bit of advice in the event of members of the Anti-Souffle League or its simpering lackeys breaking into your flat. Your wife (or a friend's) should engage the pusillanimous toadies from the League in conversation, perhaps turning the chat to the price of corn and the terrible damage inflicted by all kinds rodents on personal property, and rats attacking small babies (this always takes the steam out of them) and you should have time to get any rat-bits safely out of sight. Incidentally, do make sure that your current copy of 'The Rat Gourmet' hasn't been left lying around, otherwise it will all be in vain, and the braying hounds of the culinary killjoys will be unleashed upon the things that you cherish: your chopping-board, the chopper caught in the blood-red glare of the fading sun. Bring it down - crunch! The slight splintering of tiny spinal column under the keen metal! The last squeal and the death twitches of the helpless rat!