1985-
The first things I "see" are late night snacks with my
girlfriend Gloria. We'd go to the dining hall at the oddest hours, and get deep
fried chicken or hamburgers and fries. Or, if we were able to scratch up the
change, we'd head offbase to "Peony's" (Chinese Buffet) or a local ice
cream/burger joint. How we loved our food. But, at the same time... we had a
strenuous job... physically demanding. And, we were both working 2nd jobs, and
had relatively active "social lives"... so calories consumed were burned
quickly. I loved to make cookies.. and Glor loved to eat them. Chocolate chip
with Cool Whip... they were the best. We were both "built".. but muscular and
feminine. We commanded quite a presence. I loved spending time with her... and
our main activities were eating and talking... it's a wonder we actually got
food in our mouths, as much as we talked! (*lol*) We made very weak attempts to
"work out" at the gym... I tried racquetball (holy smokes, once I found out it
was a game of self-defense, I quit!). Glor got into aerobic dancing.. and we
both tried to do some walking and some jogging (even me, with a bad knee....)
This, of course afforded us more time to talk (yes, even after spending all day
together)... and then eat. The uniforms at the time were "fatigues"...
supposedly they were made for a woman, but I can't attest to that. I was forever
having to buy a large sized pant to fit over my thighs and hips.. then having to
take the waist in about....5-7 inches. WHAT WOMAN WERE THEY MADE FOR? Oh.. but a
20 yr. olds metabolism will quickly change......
1987-
Second vision... moving to Germany... I could say,
"Enough said"... but it's not. The land of Heavily Breaded Food, Heavy Beer,
Bratwurst (sausage) and Pommes Frites! Not to mention... shift work. All of this
was dangerous for a teetering "weight". However, I forged onward! I was walking
to and from work (or riding my bike). I had an active job... running around a
flightline talking to aircrews. If I wanted to go anywhere I walked, took the
train or hopped a bus (ever taken that European Drivers License test?!?!?!?!!?).
I was still in pretty good shape.. never had any problems with getting the guys
to scope me out... I didn't concentrate on any particular exercise. Going to the
local "lake"- affectionately referred to as "The Pits" was about a 30-45 min
walk. I'd always hit the "half-naked" side.. due to the fact that I didn't want
to be around a lot of Americans. And, you could tell the Americans..
nonchalantly trying not to gawk.. but failing miserably. After 2 -3 hours of
baking.. another 30-45 min trek back to the base I would go. So, I didn't need
to set aside "extra" workout time... I was getting it recreationally. BUT, the
Uniform design had changed..... NOW, we are allowed to wear "BDU's"(Battle Dress
Uniform), "CAMMIES", woodland uniforms... and let me tell ya, they are cut for a
man! No doubt about that! The thighs were roomy! The hips ... wow... I could
easily slide those up over mine, with room to spare! And, the belt had a cinch
waist, which with my belt, pulled in quite nicely! The overdress ("blouse") was
big and roomy, too! I rarely wore my "Blues", mainly because they had to be
specially tailored for me out of Basic Training (my lightest weight ever, at 135
lbs), due to my shape. The Coat had to be made with Broad Shoulders... and the
pants had to be made with thick hips and thighs.. I was already a
non-conformist.. at 135 lbs!!!!!
1989-
And, then it happened.... PREGNANCY... my license to eat.
My "green light" for taking things easier. My Body could now change, and be
"legal" about it... and change it did! At the time I found out I was pregnant, I
weighed about 168 lbs. At the time of delivery, I was 220lbs. My son was almost
9lbs at delivery... and the most precious thing that has happened to me...
1990-
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... 3 months after delivery, I am
hauled onto a scale, in front of God and everyone (OK, my Squadron
Administrative people) and humiliatingly told that I would have to report to the
Medical Facility for evaluation. My weight? 185 lbs (By the way, should I
mention I am about 5'9" or 10"?). I had NOT lost down to the "prescribed" 169
lbs, in the prescribed 90 day period.. and that was a NO-NO.
So, I trot
myself over to the Medical facility.. where I get the "pinch test"
administered... I am labeled OBSESE (swear, it's in my medical records) at 26%
body fat. I should have known I was "doomed to fail" at that point. But, I had
to go on. Thus, leading to my first CALORIE Restricted diet and Exercise
program............"1200 calories a day... and at LEAST 60 mins of strenuous
exercise", she scolds me severely. "Here is your booklet on how to measure out
vegetables, meats, fruits, milk and bread.. OH, and there is a "Zero Calorie
Salad Dressing" you can put on "free veggies". It tastes horrible... BUT, it's
ZERO CALORIES!"
So, as "gung ho" as possible.. I head out with the
literature she had assured me will keep me on track and help me "get my figure
back", not to mention, HELP ME KEEP MY JOB! I go home, and religiously measure
and weigh, I limit and restrict, I sacrifice and starve.. and I exercise. I walk
my baby to the sitter (in his backpack) and then return to my car.. over 5 miles
every morning. I go to an Aerobic Dance class at lunch.. and she is FUNKY (and I
enjoyed her classes immensely... honest I did)! I sweat, I twist, I bend, I
dance, I pull rubber-bands, I lift light weights... I go grocery shopping, go
home, carry my son up 3 flights of stairs, carry 6 bags of groceries up 3
flights of stairs... I cook dinner.. measuring and weighing. THEN... the ICE
CREAM truck rings..... beckoning to his side.. for a "Spaghetti Eis"... NO NO
NO.. I MUST KEEP MY JOB! I am victorious, one more night.
On Saturdays, if
I've finished cleaning the apartment, I load the Young Master Monkey Boy into
his stroller and we go for a walk around a few villages. And, I shop... but
never for food... I look at... shampoo. I look at.... Crockery. I feel....
blankets. Never look at the food (the little voice says)... Or, if I didn't feel
I had exercised enough during the week... the Son would get the pleasure of a
10K Volksmarch, on my back, up and down steep hills, over valleys, passing farms
and cows. And, at the end.... Get my little "trophy" and quickly leave the
auditorium, lest I stop and smell the Kuchen or Wurst... I never counted
on......
1991-
A WAR......... thank you Saddam Hussien for blowing my
weight loss plan. You see, when the military started gearing up for Desert
Storm.. I got thrown into a job where I was working 12-14 hr days, prohibiting
me from any "gym time". And, we were eating... (GOD FORBID!) Often times we were
unable to stop for a "regular" meal.. so we were subjected to whatever we could
find. I think Popcorn and Ho-Ho's were a staple. After working 12 hrs, picking
up my son, and driving another 45 mins to home... what was I going to eat?
Something quick! And, that could always be found - WURST STAND! And, they'd have
rotisserie chicken, and gyros, and schnitzel ... and Pommes Frites (French
fries). So much for Healthy Eating....
I left Germany, while we were still
in the throes of build-up in Saudi Arabia. I landed in Texas... land of Tex-Mex!
Goodness, how I love ethnic food! I arrive and "weigh-in" at about 172 lbs....
Still NOT what the AF wants me at.. but I'm working on it... or so I told
myself. Besides... my name went "on the list to go to the Big Kitty Litter Box",
and there were a MILLION other things to concentrate on. Mainly, childcare- and
a fast action plan, should I have to go, and a place to live. Well... got them
both squared away.. my apartment was right behind "The Mall" in Abilene, TX.
What do they have at malls? Clothing stores and FOOD joints! And, there was a
grocery store close too- and a pizza place, Chinese carry out, and Nouveau
Mexican, too (I have "discovered" Susan Powter, and her low-fat plan.. BlackBean
Burritos were at the top of my list..)! Well, we "go to war".. I don't have to
go (still have mixed feelings about that)... but I am sent to other places to
help load "support equipment". Son is squared away, and I have a chance to do
some things for myself. So, I walk. And, I self-talk. And, I eat.. and I party.
And, I eat late. And, I work... and swim. And, I miss my SON! However.. when I
get back home.. things are back to normal... long days and unhealthy meals. It
was a blueprint for weight gain!
1992-
NEW JOB! (Same location.) NOW, I have an office job...
7:30-4:30, Mon-Fri.. I have "power" (at least in my mind). I work my butt off,
in my job. I am educated, articulate, and professional. I am also about 190lbs.
We walk.. son and I.. from our housing unit to... the commissary, the movies,
the Base Exchange, sometimes I walk to work. I still weigh 190 lbs. My immediate
supervisor is CERTAIN I weigh 175 lbs... I am "tight". Noone is disgusted off at
a Pool Party thrown by one of my Bosses... then comes....
The ASSIGNMENT
OF A LIFETIME! I have received notice that I have been selected to work for
a major Command at a Major Headquarters in Europe... I am ecstatic, but I also
know I am on the "weight program"... I have been flagged as unworthy for such a
position, because I am overweight. The Air Force was also implementing the
fledgling "BodyFay Program".. measuring a persons worth is now done with a TAPE
MEASURE. Urgh... I have this prime assignment.. and I may not be able to go- I
would be humiliated.... I turn to... EX-LAX. I go to the gym, jog (still, have a
bad knee), sauna, and laxatives. It was HORRID! I could barely make it past
dropping Son off at childcare, without asking for their bathroom. BUT... I GOT
THE ASSIGNMENT! And, that was all that mattered! (Oh, and that I wasn't
humiliated by that damned tape measure.)
1993- GERMANY--- MotherLand--- here I come! WHAT? I have to work 5
STORIES UNDERGROUND? NO ELEVATOR? What the hell is this? Or, is it HELL? CRIPES-
my son's childcare provider is 4 floors UP! And, my right knee is swollen and
noone knows why... and I weigh 190lbs- still. So, I manage to limp my way up and
down 9 flights in the morning... limp up 5 stories to the gym at lunch, limp
back down (exhausted).. then up and down 9 more stories at the end of the day!
Knee--- OUCH-in drastic pain. But, I'm losing some weight! (Surprisingly
enough?) I get to about 184lbs, when the Doc decides I need surgery on my knee
(for the 2nd time). I have surgery.. and recover in less than 2 weeks... Doc is
surprised... (I think it's got to do with my health and regular daily
activities...).
1994- NEW JOB!!!! (Same location.)I now have the opportunity to go
to the gym ... and I start walking ALL OVER THE PLACE... but, nothing is
working. A girlfriend drags me to one of the gyms one day... telling me there is
a great Aerobics instructor.. and he plays GREAT music. I have never been so
"JAZZED UP", as with Sam. I got some bright workout clothes (tight as they were)
and took up "dancing". Good God... what a workout! It was like being in a
nightclub (his music) and then... some toning on the side. Then, came the time
for me to "weigh-in". 204 lbs. OH MAN, was I in for it now.... 35 lbs over
weight, and 33% body fat (I was supposed to be at 28%). THEN.... SAM goes to
work at an off-base gym- GERMAN. HELP!!!!!!!!!!
I go to the Dietitian...
"1000 calories a day for you, Sarge, and work harder at the gym!" Excuse ME? I'm
eating less than a bird, and you want me to exercise harder, and LIVE TOO?
1995-
I find a boyfriend. Let me tell you about Eric... he is
of Portuguese descent, 5'3" and stocky. He loves to play racquetball (the
sadist) and he LOVES to cook.. and he likes mine too. I go to the Gym that Sam
is teaching at, and sign up for "the works"- personal training, aerobics, steam
room, weights... I woulda played Squash, if it didn't remind me so much of
racquetball! So, I work out and lose some weight (damn it, ever try to measure
veggies and meat, when it's in a STEW? Lasagna?). Eric and I are happy.... Son
is happy.. I am 197 lbs... and PLATEAU! But, I somehow manage to drop body fat
percentage, which keeps the Air Force happy.
Then, I get THE call from Day
Care.... "Your Son refused to eat lunch today." "WHAT? WHY??" (Knowing I have
the Bottomless Pit for a son!) "He says he's getting BIG, and he has to stop
eating, so he doesn't get any bigger." THE BALL DROPS! That's it.... I CANNOT
play the "Starvation Game" any longer. I end up crying myself to sleep that
night... there was no turning back.... I had to get out of the cycle .. I
started to eat again.
1996-
The proceedings have begun... I have failed 3
weigh-in/measurements, over the course of my time on the "Fat Boy Program". I am
humiliated, subjected to dietary scrutiny by those who haven't ever dealt with a
"weight problem", and I watch my job performance ratings sink further down...
did I perform my job any differently- now that I was 211 lbs? Did I sleep at
work? Did I listlessly confront problems? Was I forever at the Clinic for
respiratory problems? Was I taking long breaks to smoke? No.... I was still the
Top-Notch performer... being the first in the office, the last to leave, always
the one to volunteer (and usually the ONLY one), willing to get into sticky
situations, always had more than 5 projects going at any one time; yet, I was
now being "told" I was unfit for the Military, because I didn't weigh-in/tape-in
at a designated number.
12 Dec 1996-
Stepping from the shower, I suck in my breath...
I've been crying, dealing with a HUGE loss is hard, not to mention one that
takes your livelihood out from under you. I also suck in my breath, because the
reflection in the mirror is one of "full body nakedness". I have discovered that
I am angry at my "body"- "IT" is the reason I am in this state. "IT" has failed
me. I realize I am NOT thankful for what it has given me. It disappoints me to
realize this. "IT" has carried a baby to full-term, with little complication.
"IT" has pushed, pulled, lifted, and loaded heavy objects with strong arms and
muscular legs. "IT" has become a source of sensual pleasure. "IT" performs
faithfully for me, with little disability. I have allowed "IT" to become a
separate entity.
"IT" is me... and I am learning to appreciate.... ALL of my
BODY!
