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This year, I was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome. While the diagnosis did not change my life or tell me anything I hadn't already worked out for myself, it did give me the confidence to start talking about my tics and the horrible emotional side effects of TS. This page is almost like a form of therapy for me, as it lets me express just how frustrating it is to know that I have next-to-no control over my own body and brain. Primary school was hard for me. I was a smart, fat, pretty kid with no self-esteem and a sister who looked like a Barbie doll. My parents sent me to child guidance counselling when I was about 8 or 9 because I wasn't making friends. All I remember from those sessions was making pizzas with the counsellor. As far as I know, it didn't help the friendless situation, it just made me feel even more isolated and different. The first tic I remember having was a motor tic, a "bunny nose" twitch, where I'd wrinkle my nose up like a rabbit. My parents and doctors thought it was due to allergies and wrote it off. When I hit grade 6 I started "beeping". Not just quietly or at one pitch, but loudly and over the break in my voice (you know, where you go from chest voice to head voice....doesn't matter). This was frightening for me coz I had no idea why I was doing it, and had even less idea why I couldn't stop! It felt like something in my head was telling me I needed to test my voice to see if it was still there, still working. I had been singing with the school choir for a few years now, and I put it down to something to do with that. Teachers would ask me why I was making noises, and I couldn't answer them. I was an academic overachiever in primary school, getting grades I didn't deserve for the pathetic amount of work I put in - I was the one who would finish all the work on the board then start talking or mucking up. It wasn't til this year that I found out I have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). Would have made life a HELL of a lot easier if I'd had some excuse for being such a brat! Add funny noises to being the class clown and token fat kid and you have a recipe for "Isolated Loner Who Everyone Picks On". Voila, me! >> |