by Taintedslv

We've all had our relationship ups and downs in the past. And if your reading this, then you've survived the downs and can still read. I to have had a situation recently that I'd like to share in the hopes that it will open up the eyes of even maybe a few. Recently I've sat in one of my favorite areas on-line and listened to a barrage of submissives crying the blues that their dom had released them. I sat quietly listening to the reasons, which varied from simple to down right ridiculous. Most of the subs said that they would do whatever it took, to keep or get their Master back. One admitted that she would now share her Master with his new sub even though she didn't want to. I tried attributing this behavior of late to the fact that there has been a full moon lately. Emotional blackmail is an ugly word, and we'd all like to hide from it given the choice. However, I, just like the rest of the people, was held an emotional hostage .of my own making. That I finally realized it before it was late.. is what makes me write this story. I like to call this story...Hostage to a collar.

Four , almost five years ago, I happened to meet a man on-line while role-playing. For those of you not familiar with role-playing, its like making up a character and playing that character in a complete fantasy world. The dangers fall when you stop being the character, and apply more of yourself into the fantasy. This, is the kiss of death in role playing. You've stepped over the line between fantasy(IC=In character) and reality(OOC= outside of character .a.k.a. ..real life) , and begin to confuse the two. The fantasy is so good that it makes real life seem so drab. In short, his and my character developed a close relationship that did go r/t. We started dabbling into D/s with other screen names and found we both were not only attracted to it...but very compatible in this as well. Yes, we met in real life, so it wasn't just a cyber relationship.

After being with him for a year, he collared me in r/t and we were in love. In July of the following year...he released me and the reasons are not that important. For the record, No, I wasn't cheating on him. I was devastated and didn't want to live, just like the many subs that I've heard talking lately. After that point, he and I continued to see each other on a strictly...he was dominant, I was submissive standpoint. I would have done anything to regain back my collar, even though he said, he would never allow it. Each time that I was with him, he would remind me that we were not a couple and I had no business having feelings for him. How many of you out there, put your 100% into sex, without the emotion. I'm not one of them, and I didn't want to believe he could be either. Over the next year and half, we continued to see each other and I always felt...that he still loved me deep inside. We had our fights just like any normal couple, but he wanted...NO vanilla with me. I did...during the next year, every thing I could do...to prove to him what a good sub I was. I was always at his convenience to be, whatever he wanted me to be. It slowly began to eat at my self worth, respect and pride.

Things began to take on a friendlier air a year later when he would tell people on-line that I was his submissive. I kept the logs just to make sure I had heard him correctly. The last time that I visited him, I truly felt that I was his sub...and I felt special once again. I came home with such a great feeling. For a submissive, half of the trip is the feeling of belonging. I felt...I belonged to him. He would say to this day that he never led me on, but I know what I felt...and it wasn't a lie. Several weeks later, the talk about a threesome came back up, and I said I'd be willing to do it. We had talked about it for so long and both of us were excited. I talked with a lot of women and finally found one that wanted the same things that we wanted. We spoke on the phone...and talked on-line a lot to each other.

One day, the remark was made by her that my dom’s profile looked like he was advertising for a sub. It had been some time since I'd looked and I too had to agree. I very nicely and calmly asked my dom why it looked as it did and didn't even reflect that he had a sub. That’s when the ball dropped onto my head. He said he didn't have a sub. He said he had told me all along that he wouldn't take me as a sub again. He said that he had given to me...all he could give. Not only was I pissed.. shocked. .and hurt.. but I wanted to believe this wasn't true. He knew all along that I'm not the type of woman that could just sleep with a man for the hell of it. He also knew that I was still in love with him. My self respect went crashing to the ground. When I got my head back together, I ended up telling him that I couldn't be what he wanted me to be anymore. He wanted the benefits of a submissive, without any kind of responsibility or commitment. All this time, I had set up the threesome and bought my airline ticket. I still continued to talk to the gal and we had decided that we'd still meet.

During this time, I still continued to talk with ole dom. I asked him to please...Bend. .just a little. We would argue back and forth for hours. He wanted to know what I wanted him to bend on and I told him that I wanted to be his sub. In his mind....for some reason...he refused to bend and told me this. I told him that I was going to be there on the l9th (two weeks) and that I was still meeting up with the gal from on-line and I was sorry that I wouldn't get too see him. I knew that he had wanted this threesome, very.. very. .badly and maybe I was rubbing it in his face after what he had done. I wanted to see him and be with him as well, but there was no way I was going to do a threesome with a guy who wasn't my dom and...didn't want me as his sub.

Our conversions continued between he and I, teasing each other in a playful manner. He continued to say that he'd never change his mind. Sometimes we are forced to make decisions that we know are going to hurt us down the line and are painful. The teasing between the two of us...was meant to try and get the other to back down, by showing the other what they would be missing. All I had wanted was to reach a common agreement that both of us could be happy with. Instead it turned into a....Who's going to blink first. contest. He kept asking if I was going to stick to my guns. For the past year...I had given in to all of his wishes, this time....I wasn't backing down. I knew what I wanted. . He wanted a threesome with me and...I wanted a collar and to be his sub. The point is...How far...was I willing to go to get that collar. Was I willing to sacrifice what I truly believed...and wanted? A Mexican standoff is what we call it. The more I thought about it though...the more I started to confuse myself. In the next few days after talking to him, I began to wonder about...quite a lot actually. I had to do a lot of soul searching questions which many of us don't want to do because of the painful answers.

But in those answers...is where I found the truth of things to help me move on. 1) did I want to be collared by someone only because they were pressured into it? 2) did I want to be with a man who only wanted the D/s head trip without giving me the protection of his collar? 3) what kind of man manipulates a persons love to get what they want without returning any of it 4) what would happen if he did collar me...then releases me after he had the threesome? 5) would I want to be with a man that has no regard to the responsibilities of a person he sleeps with (scary thought). 6) would I want to be collared by someone who wants no emotion in a relationship. 7) If I gave in to...another...of his wishes...while not even being his sub...what would happen to my self respect.8) did he think I wasn't worthy of his collar. For many people they could lay things aside for a sexual experience like this..

When you've been with someone for this long however, things pushed aside create bigger problems down the line. I don't know what the outcome of my situation will be...but it comes down to just a few things. Stand up for what you want and don't delude yourself about things. Always ..always...always.....keep your self respect. Once in a while you can lay the pride down, but do it.. with self respect. And lastly.....two words. .that a very dear friend of mine gave me that sums up a lot....Concern and Regard. If the person your with.. isn't concerned about how your feeling emotionally...and has no regard for your well being....Get out. I still love this man and I probably always will...but. Some things.. do NOT get better with time. A relationship and love that is one sided ..is one of them.