All generalizations are false.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I brake for no apparent reason.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Forget the Jone's, I keep up with the Simpsons.

Forget about World Peace... Visualize using your turn signal.

Born free... Taxed to death.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Rehab is for quitters.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt - in case heaven is like the IRS.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

No radio - Already stolen.

Real women don't have hot flashes ... They have power surges.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Very funny Scotty, now beam up my clothes.

I souport publik edekashun.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Caution: I drive like you do.