Well, you made it this far.  Obviously, you are married; know someone who has been married or possibly even have a married family member.  The following is not intended as an endorsement of that condition.  Nor is it intended to condemn the sanctity of marriage as a whole.  Actually, there is no such motive, just a desire to entertain with a little humor and from what some have said, as little humor as possible.  Sit back, enjoy the music and have a few chuckles at your partner's, lover's or (dare I say it?) spouse's expense!

Subject: quotes on marriage

I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.
-George Burns

I wouldn't object to my wife having the last word - if only she'd get to it.
-Henny Youngman

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.
-Woody Allen

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
-Anonymous

Why does a woman work for years to change a man's habits, and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

I told someone I was getting married, and they said, "Have you picked a date yet?  I said, "Wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding!?"  "What a country! "
- Yakov Smirnoff

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing," and you can't remember what it is.
- Milton Berle

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.  If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
- Henny Youngman

I told my wife the truth.   I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.  Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
-Rodney Dangerfield

All of the above submitted by the Flatbush Escapee

 1.  You haven't asked yet.

 2.  I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

 3.  What?  And spoil my great sex life?

 4.  Nobody would believe me in white.

 5.  Because I just love hearing this question.

 6.  Just lucky, I guess.

 7.  It gives my mother something to live for.

 8.  My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.

 9.  I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

10.  Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

11.  I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

12.  It didn't seem worth a blood test.

13.  I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

14.  Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

15.  My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

16.  I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

17.  They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

18.  I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

19.  I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

20.  What?  And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

21.  We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.

22.  I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

23.  Why aren't you thin?

24.  I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

25.  (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

Submitted by Uncle Fester

The Repair Man

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house.  He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more-would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of.  This frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up.  When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged.  Would you look at it?"
Her husband snarled, "What do I look like?  The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work.  When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work.  Would you try to fix it for me?"
Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink.  When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running.  Would you check on it?"
And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like?  The Maytag repairman?"
Finally, she had had enough.  The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.  When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."
He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"
"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked.
She smiled.  "What do I look like?  Betty Crocker?"

Submitted by Suzanne B. of FL

1. I married Miss Right.  I just didn't know her first name was Always.
2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men.  It only seems longer.
3. Losing a wife can be hard.  In my case, it was almost impossible.
4. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!"   "What happened?" asked the friend.  "My wife found out..."
5. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.  Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
6. How many men does it take to open a beer?  None.  It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things!  I just won the California lottery!"  Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"  The man responds, "I don't care.  Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
9. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - - I don't like to interrupt her.
10. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
11. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose which to save, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
12. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Submitted by Bob G. of California

I've finally found the secret to a long successful marriage: Once a week without fail, a romantic dinner, slow dancing, then a long walk home in the moonlight . . . She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Thursdays!

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends.  You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"  The other replied, "Yes, I am - I married the wrong man."

Man is not complete until he is married.  Then he really is finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman get her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"  And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Young son: "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of the Asia a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Father: "That happens in most countries, son."

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Three rings: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, Suffering.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.
But, when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

Observations on The Opposite Sex

Relationships:

First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis".

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled, "All Men Are Idiots".  Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I want you to know there's always a chance for us".  This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once.  There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Maturity:

Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.   This is why high school romances rarely work.

Hats:

Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

Comedy:

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on.  Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge.
The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

Handwriting:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's".  It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.  Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:

A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Magazines:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies.
Women's magazine also feature pictures of naked ladies.
This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

Groceries:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green.  Then he goes grocery shopping.  He buys everything that looks good.  By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.  Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Going out:

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup . . .

Shoes:

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers.  She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks.  When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes.  Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.
A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

Cats:

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking , men kick cats.

Mirrors:

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface - - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.

Jewelry:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it.  Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Menopause:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes.  The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:

Men see the telephone as a communications tool.  They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Low Blows:

Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television.  One of the fighters is felled by a low blow.  Thewoman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

Directions:

If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness.  Men will never stop and ask for directions.  Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there", and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood.  I recognize that White Hen store".

Admitting Mistakes:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

Richard Gere:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Offspring:

Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing up:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Nudity in Movies:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.  This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a *man*.
The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

David Letterman:

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Politics:

Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting.
Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

Laundry:

Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry.   When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.  Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat.  This is a myth.

Weddings:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the ceremony:
Men talk about "the bachelor party".

Toys:

Little girls love to play with toys.  Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys.  As they grow older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical.
Examples of men's toys:  little miniatureTV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.

Plants:

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.  The man waters the plants.  The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.  No one knows why this happens.

Nicknames:

WIth the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk", women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.

Mustaches:

Some men look good with mustaches.  Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.

Submitted by Larry and Maxine