THE TILEX FILES

Written Spring 1997

On a typical summer day in the typical small town of Sabine, Pennsylvania, there was a typical house on a typical street surrounded by a typical fence with typical children playing with typical toys in their typical yard. Inside, a typical husband sat in his typical chair watching his typical television holding a typical beer and a typical remote. His typical housewife was in their typical shower washing her typical body. It seemed to be a pretty typical day.

However, things were soon to change. As the husband sat watching the Professional Bowlers Champoinship, he heard his wife scream from inside the bathroom. He jumped out of his chair as fast as his beer gut would let him, and dashed to the lavatory. He flung the door open, tossed aside the shower curtain, and gasped. His wife was lying motionless on the bottom of the tub in a puddle of her own blood. He yelled at her, but there was no response. He ran into the other room, picked up the phone, and dialed the police...

***

Washington D.C.

Agent Lots O. Mildew sat in his small basement office in the FBI building. He was assigned to such a crummy location because he was part of an FBI sector that the other agents, the few that knew about this top secret branch, jokingly referred to as "filth busters". Mildew was a firm believer that household dirt and grime can be fatally dangerous, so he came up with the idea to devote a special unit of the bureau towards researching cases that could possibly be filth-related.

He used to be a regular FBI agent, but ever since his only sister was eaten alive by man-eating soap scum, he was dedicated to seeking out revenge, andrefused to work in any other section because of his strong beliefs. He was one of the best agents the FBI had ever had, and the director did not want to let him go, so he gave in to Mildew's request and let him run the section that operated under the code name "Tilex Files".

That was five years ago. At that time he thought he could handle the responsibility himself. But the head of the FBI felt that it would be best for him if he had someone to act as a voice of reason, and to keep Mildew from pursuing unreasonable theories that he often came up with. They were able to convince one of the agents, Diane Scummy, to join him in his work. A lot of people thought that this was a good arrangement because Scummy was much more practical in her theories and didn't believe in anythin paranormal. She should be able to keep Mildew in the realm of reality, the other agents thought.

This particular day, Mildew and Scummy were called to Sabine to investigate the strange death of a middle-aged housewife. When they arrived, they saw the typical street with the typical houses and the typical...(oh, sorry, we've already been through that). They pulled into the driveway of 27 Short Street and went inside. There were already several agents there dusting for fingerprints and looking for any kind of clues. One of them briefed Mildew and Scummy on the situation.

"Well, this is one of the strangest cases I have ever seen," the agent said, "Seems this woman was taking a shower when she was killed by someone..."

"Or something," Mildew added.

"Ummm, sure. Anyway, the husband here said he heard his wife scream, ran into the kitchen to grab another beer, and then rushed to the bathroom to see what was wrong. He said he found her in a puddle of blood at the bottom of the tub. That's how we found her when we got here."

"Thank you," Scummy said as she headed toward the crime scene with Midew. She thought that the story sounded rather strange, and could not explain the incident off-hand. Mildew, of course, had his own bizarre theory, but was waiting for the facts to back it up.

The two agents entered the bathroom to take a look at the corpse. The woman's blood was now completely covering the bottom of the tub, and the deceased was face-down in it. One of the investigating agents came up to Mildew and Scummy with a plastic bag with something inside.

"We found this stuff by the drain," he told them, "It appears to be some sort of flaky, orange residue, but I have no clue as to its identity."

"I'll take it to the lab to see what I can find out," Scummy said as she took the bag. Scummy was very well trained in the medical field, and often studied the specimens from Tilex Files cases herself. She also did autopsies, and this case was no exception.

***

FBI Crime Lab

Scummy was performing an autopsy on the victim. She recorded the results using a tape recorder.

"Case #78927: The victim is a female Caucasian, thirty-seven years old. I have discovered several bite marks all over the body which appear to be similar to mosquito bites, but I can't imagine one person being bit by mosquitoes on nearly every inch of her body. Another strange discovery is that the woman's blood seems to have been replaced by a strange green fluid, the likes of which I have never seem before. I also found traces of an orange residue between her toes, similar to the sample taken from the shower drain. The lab results were inconclusive. I am completely at a loss for words."

Just then, the door flew open and Mildew rushed inside. "Scummy, we've got another one. A man was found hunched over in his bathroom sink while he was shaving. I think they found some of that orange stuff, too."

On the way to the scene, Mildew presented his theory of the murders to Scummy. "I think that some of the dirt and grime that has been building up over the years in the drain has somehow come to life and likes to feast on human skin, one tiny bite at a time." Scummy's reaction to this was, as most anybody else's would be, one of total disbelief.

"You can't be serious Mildew," she said, "What you just said makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. I think you need some mental help."

"This is not a unique case, Scummy," Mildew argued, "There was a report a few years back that a woman in Wyoming claimed she saw a small orange creature pop out from the shower drain and start to snap at her. She jumped out of the shower before it got to her. She passed a polygraph and was deemed to be mentally competent beyond any doubt."

Scummy just sighed, and they continued on their way to the next murder scene.

***

Lynwood, Virginia

This victim seemed to face the same death as the woman in Pennsylvania. He had lost tremendous amounts of blood and had small bite marks all over his body. The same orange residue was found on the victim and on the sink drain. Mildew was confident he had something with his theory, so he decided to check it out.

"Tear up the sink guys," he said to the other agents, "I want to see what's under there."

The officers proceeded to bust the sink apart to expose the pipes. Mildew took the pen from his shirt pocket and felt around inside the pipe with it. He heard a squishing sound, and he carefully lifted the pen out. The entire group gasped when they saw what he had discovered.

After Mildew wiped the blood of the victim off of the object, he uncovered an orange, snakelike creature which appeared to be dead. Sticking out of its mouth was a small, pointy tongue. "Here's your murderer, guys," Mildew declared, "This creature was created from the muck and grime that built up in the pipes. The combination of the rust on the pipes and the dirt itself, I beleive, caused a strange reaction which brought it to life. I think that, much like a mosquito, this creature dies after feeding on its victim's blood. While feeding, it injects a green liquid into the body to replace the blood. I have no idea why it does that, but I do know that this case is solved."

The other agents laughed. "It's another one of Mildew's psycho grime crime stories," one yelled. This angered Mildew, and he stormed out of the house, with Scummy reluctantly following behind. The officers laughed even louder, and Mildew would hear their mocking in his mind all the way back to Washington.

***

Paris, France

A young woman was preparing for bed, and went to use her bidet. As she proceeded, she felt a horribly painful sting, and shrieked a blood-curdling shriek. She collapsed onto the floor, bleeding profusely. A slimy orange creature lunged at her from the drain, and sucked all of the blood from her body. It then spewed green venom into one of the bite holes. The creature began to slip back into the drain, choking on its last meal...