1. Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them though. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in...used coffee grounds are always good for that....I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
2. Cripes:
I am originally from the Midwest but moved away some time ago. I recently returned there for a visit. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like "Cripes". For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of "Gosh?" of the church of "Holy Moly?" But I'm not making fun of it...you think I wanna burn in "Heck"?
3. Morning Differences:
I have noticed over the years that men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We don't have blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
4. Reverse Life Cycle:
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first and get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch then you go to work. You work 40 years until you are young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school. After that you go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilites, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating....you finish off as a gleam. That's the life for me.
5. Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few of them into my house. I live in Washington DC so I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electicity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
6. Answering Machine:
You know, I have been hearing a lot about "being positive" lately. Frankly it's starting to sicken me. I finally drew the line the other day. I had to call someone up from my office and I got the following message on his answering maching. "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love and stay positive'. Beep." So I responded, "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
