Cynical Definitions

Street Smarts:    The key to success in most human endeavors; something we neglected to learn in school because we were too busy studying French and trigonometry.

Mugger:      A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.

Lawyer:      A personal advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.

Jeans:     Lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half being the zits.

Funeral Home:     A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.

Neurotic:     Sane but unhappy about it.

Bulimia:     Retched excess.

Rock 'n' Roll:      A raucous musical rendering of adolescent glandular activity, peddled to receptive teens since the 1950's as a cheap and relatively bloodless means of overthrowing parental authority, along with most of the accumulated values of Western Civilization.

Star:     A performer who makes more than his or her agent.  Also: Superstar A performer who makes more than Guatemala.

Gun Control:     An ongoing public debate that might easily be resolved if we allowed everyone to obtain firearms but suspended the production of bullets.

Politician:     A bundle of gascous ambition cleverly packaged as a public servant or a corporate sales manager.

Yogurt:     A thriving colony of bacteria in curdled milk; a pleasantly sour concoction said to extend the life spans  of Caucasian mountain-folk, at least when consumed in conjunction with fresh air, vigorous goat-chasing  and a stress-free work environment.  Popular in the  U.S., especially among dieters, who enjoy it laced with sugar and preserves.

Obituary:     A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for the neighbor's parakeet.

Cryonics:     The gentle art of freezing corpses, or parts thereof, in hope of resurrecting them as future dinner guests or talking heads.

Fax:     A modern enhancement of the telephone, enabling us to send and receive illegible information in seconds; also ideal for communicating bad news without the inconvenience of having to talk to the person at the other end.