1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him before he goes to class.
2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then one day repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
3. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milk shakes everyday. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage and tell your roommate, "I was curious."
4. Make toast for breakfast every morning but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily and complaining that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing.
5. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself". Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. Explain that you're not a hard man to find.
6. Never speak to your roommates directly. If you need to ask or tell them something, go to another room and call them on the phone.
7. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
8. Get a can of beans. Label them "jumping beans". Eat them and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans and label them "dancing beans". Eat them and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them "kill your roommate beans". Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
9. Insist that your roommate recite the Pledge of Allegiance with you every morning.
10. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust the ceiling.
11. Whenever someone knocks on your door, answer the phone.
12. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases". Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
13. Come barging into your room out of breath. Ask your roommate if he saw a fat, bald Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill.
14. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If he refuses, insist that he do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you anymore."