TOP TEN ADVANTAGES ABOUT BEING A HOCKEY GOALTENDER:

10. Halloween costume? No problem!
9. Detroit Red Wing goalies look like Santa; can earn extra money during the holidays.
8. Can check out the babes (or guys) rinkside without them even knowing.
7. Slash all you want; they send someone else to the box.
6. Padding gives the impression you're really buffed.
5. Helmet allows you to double as Darth Vader in any upcoming "Star Wars".
4. Can get inventive nickname like "Eddie".
3. Flexibility can be useful in other entertainment ventures, if you know what I mean.
2. Bruises can really bring out the color in your eyes.
1. Two Words: Bigger Stick.



TOP TEN DISADVANTAGES ABOUT BEING A HOCKEY GOALTENDER:

10. Smart-Asses that toss beach balls at the net.
9. Letting those beach balls in.
8. Jealous back-up's that hide your cup, causing "puck castration"
7. Always annoying death threats from opposition upon stopping a 2-1.
6. Always annoying death threats from teammates upon letting in a 2-1.
5. Always annoying death threats from fans upon steping onto the ice.
4. Paterity suits from the mother of the uniroyal man.
3. Being a stop-rated NHL goalie, being traded to a cold Canadian city, not getting the money you deserve, and having to play in Las Vegas (Curtis Joseph only)
2. The opposite sex just doesn't understand why you have to wear a mask to bed.
1. When you flip the ref the bird behind the blocker, they can't even tell.



TOP TEN REASONS WHY YOU JUST LET THAT ONE IN:
10. Me and my defense got involved in the "Tastes great, less filling" Debate
9. Tried to read the "Vulcanised" label on the side
8. Slipped on this damn ice; someone should get some salt on that!
7. Was still laughing at that last top ten list.
6. Misunderstood "Butterfly save"; now sad to report one less monarch flying around.
5. Sun got in my eyes.
4. Misunderstood use of trapper; let in a goal, but got a lovely fur coat.
3. Being a stop-rated NHL goalie, being traded to a cold Canadian city, not getting the money you deserve, and having to play in Las Vegas (Curtis Joseph only)
2. Wait, I'm the back-up!! Go talk to El-Sieve-o over there!!!.
1. Yeah, like YOU would get in front of that!.



TOP TEN PET PEEVES OF HOCKEY GOALTENDERS:

10. Drunk fans who toss Hostess Ding Dongs towards the net.
9. Players at parties who want to turn mask upside-down and fill it up with bean dip.
8. Pads give appearance that they have really big butts.
7. T-shirts that say, "Goaltenders do it with their glove hand".
6. Every day, for the rest of their life, they will not have a good reason for dropping anything ever again.
5. Frostbite caused by leg split.
4. When trainer replaces normal water in bottle with sparkling Folger's Crystals.
3. Goal judges at away games who constantly make wisecracks about "burning out the goal lamp".
2. Fans who ask, "Can I have your autograph, Mr. Roy???" (Said like it's spelled)
1. When jealous back-up goalie follows them around in locker room screaming, "Hey, glove THIS, pal!!!".



The Goaltender's Psalm

The puck is my shephard;
I shall not ice.
It maketh me save in unnatural positions;
It leadeth me into leg splits;
It restoreth my fans' faith;
It leadeth me in the paths of odd-man rushes.
Yea, though I skate in the valley of the
shadow of the net,
I will fear no sniper;
For my stick is with me;
My facemask and pads they comfort me;
They annointeth my body with SportsCreme;
My back-up tippeth over!
Surely coaches and trainers shall follow me
All the games of my life.
And I shall dwell in the house of the Montreal Forum
forever.