A little something I'd thought you'd like to know . . .
5759 Year according to Jewish calendar
-4696 Year according to Chinese calendar
1063 Total number of years that Jews went without Chinese food
Warning: Do not read or download anything which reads "Kosher for Passover"
This e-mail is known to be infected with a Chametz Virus. It will fill the interior of your PC with chametz particles. Worse it will spew them forth from the exhaust fan. It has also been known to connect via modem lines and electrical lines and infect every appliance in one's vicinity. This virus is the dastardly deed of none other than Dr.. I.M. Treif (yes, from Shlock Rock fame). He is on the loose again!
Note: Dr. Treif has also hired Johnny Cochran to defend himself against any attempt to use a virus scan against him.
Wouldn't you think that the person who plans,
The person who changes the pots and pans.
The person who suffers the elbowing crowd,
And brings home the matzo meal, bloody and bowed,
Who battles the butcher, accumulates plates,
And races the clock to those Passover dates.
Who polishes silverware, commandeers chairs,
And goes around muttering "nobody cares".
Who fixes charoset and karpas and eggs,
And winds up with headaches and cramps in her legs.
Wouldn't you think when the matzo is hid,
SHE merits the prize, not some smart-aleck kid?
Dialogue while Moses is at the top of Sinai . . .
G-d: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a
calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel.
Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.
G-d: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.
Moses: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait two hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.
G-d: No, Moses, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in its mother's
milk!!!
Moses: Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside. . .
G-d: Moses, do whatever the bleeeep you want . . .
Ben & Jerry's new Israeli ice cream flavors:
Wailing Walnut
Moishmallow
Mazel Toffee
Rashi Road
Chazalnut
Oy Ge-malt
Cherry Bim
Cherry Bum
Mi Ka-mocha
Lemontashens
Manishta Nut
Abba Ebanana
Bernard Malamint
Cashew Le'Pesach
Chuppapaya
Choc-Eilat Chip
Simchas T'Oreo
All flavors come in a Cohen
Submitted by Barrie
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave
the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So
the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the
Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews
would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man
named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to thedebate.
To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope
agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each
other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three
fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope wavedhis
fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he
sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an
apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The
Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what
happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was
still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me
to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the
ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the
wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out
an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What
could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?"
they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had
three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving.
Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him
know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't
know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
FOR ALL CHOCOHOLICS:)
RULES OF CHOCOLATE
~ If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
~ Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
~ The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
~ Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
~ A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
~ If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
~ But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
~ If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
~ If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?
~ Money talks. Chocolate sings.
~ Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
~ If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top panty hose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
~ Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
Jewish Feast Or Fast (EK)
As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat. Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't.
Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring
light snacking. (You can invent your own e.g. the Extremely Reform Festival of the Pretzel Sticks.) Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.
It seems a group of leading medical people have published data (too late for this year) that indicates that seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses.
It is indicated that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.
Submitted by Barrie
At our seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzoh, fortified with Metamucil.
The brand name, of course, is "Let My People Go". . .
Submitted by Harold R. of Saratoga
[Sung to the tune of "These are a few of my favorite things"]
Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes
Fish that's gefillted, horseradish that stings
These are a few of our Passover things.
Matzoh and karpas and chopped up haroset
Shankbones and kiddish and yiddish neuroses
Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings
These are a few of our Passover things.
Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharoahs
Famines and locusts and slaves with wheelbarrows
Matzah balls floating and eggshells that cling
These are a few of our Passover things.
When the plagues strike
When the lice bite
When we're feeling sad
We simply remember our Passover things
And then we don't feel so bad.
Submitted by Ben Borok
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.
A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.
The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"
Submitted by Jill Daniels
The Yo-Yo Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:
- Rosh Hashanah -- Feast
- Tzom Gedalia -- Fast
- Yom Kippur -- More fasting
- Sukkot -- Feast
- Hashanah Rabbah -- More feasting
- Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting
- Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on ourselves.
- Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes
- Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes
- Tu B'Shevat -- Feast
- Fast of Esther -- Fast
- Purim -- Eat pastry
- Passover -- Do not eat pastry
- Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
- 17th of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
- Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes.)
- Month of Elul -- End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before the High Holidays arrive again.
Dialogue between G-d and Moses while Moses is at the top of Sinai. . .
G-d: "And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel."
Moses: "Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together."
G-d: "No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk."
Moses: "Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomach simultaneously."
G-d: "No, Moses, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in it's mother's
milk!!!"
Moses: "Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside?"
G-d: "Moses, do whatever the hell you want. . ."
Question: What's non-kosher yet permitted by the Rabbi's?
Answer: VIAGRA! Yes, the anti-impotence drug has been found to contain a tiny amount of animal matter, rendering it-one would think-treif.
But, Rabbi Abraham Blumenkrantz, an American Kashrut expert, says that, as a medication that adds pleasure to the Sabbath (not to mention the rest of the week), it is permissible. But it is banned during Pesach-along with all other "raising agents."
A WOMAN’S PRAYER FOR PASSOVER
By Esther Blaustein ~ 1971
Lord, let not the line at the supermarket be too long
Let the produce be fresh and crisp and let there be
Just one more jar of Kosher-for-Passover mayonnaise left.
You see, Lord, I forgot that there is school next week
And tuna fish falls off matzoh sandwiches so easily
When it is not held together with enough mayonnaise.
God, please let everyone be well for the two Seder nights
And while You are at it, could you please make it the rest of the year,
too?
And if you do not make me spend so many hours
Swabbing chickenpox with calamine lotion
I promise that I will devote my leisure
To ecology, UJA, JHA and things like that.
Almighty God, let the children behave at the seder table
For I have labored so long to make everything right and lovely.
Suffer not their little fingers to spill wine on the tablecloth and
carpeting
It never seems to come out.
And let them pipe the Mah Nishtanah and the Chad Gadya
In such abundant glee and wisdom
As to make the car pool to Hebrew School worth it.
Ruler of the Universe, it seems that I will never get all these dishes
changed
And Everyone’s clothes ready, and all the chametz out of the house in
time.
So remember, Dear Lord,
To please make sure that the cleaning woman shows up.
Creator of the World, let each year have our table be fuller
Not only with Your bounty, but with people.
All our loved ones, dear friends, new babies,
And young lovers shyly brought home for approval.
And let this year begin, and next year see
Our banquet seats overflowing
With our long-lost Jews who crouch in fear in countries other than ours.
God of Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebecca, Jacob, Rachel and Leah
Let me not,
In the hustle and rush of preparation,
Forget what the Passover really means.
Submitted by Adorable Annabeth
Latkes
A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of
Pancakes would put out. In a latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkas can be eaten with apple sauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heart burn for the same amount of time.
matzo
The Egyptians revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple
mix of flour and water - no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after.
Kasha Varnishkes
One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult to
pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with Varnish, but is
basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni (noodles). Why a bow-tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that "You can't come to the table without a tie," or, God forbid, "An elbow on my table?"
Blintzes
Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can you imagine the
N.J. Post 1939 headlines: "Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry
blintzes over Poland - shortage of sour cream expected." Basically this is the Jewish answer to Crepe Suzette.
Kishka
You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it . In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it. Today we use parchment paper or plastic And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour, and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent (see below) and let it cook for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.
Kreplach
It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its
origins: One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his
chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it.
Cholent
This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews
for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher of course) I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of
Mexican fried beans: "What! Do they serve leftover cholent here too?!"
Gefilte Fish
A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond and a
few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son (5 years old) looked at them and commented "Is that why we call it 'Ge Filtered Fish?" Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises small fish balls eaten with horseradish ("chrain") which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.
Bagels
How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel?
Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel although I don't
know any. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost indigestible
which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too
much room on the plate. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis.
As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the
children of Israel began to complain to Moses of how thirsty they
were after walking so far. Unfortunately, they were not able to drink from the walls of water on either side of them, as they were made up of
salt-water.
Then, a fish from that wall of water told Moses that he
and his family heard the complaints of the people, but that they
through their own gills could remove the salt from the water and
force it out of their mouths like a fresh water fountain for the
Israelites to drink from as they walked by.
Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer. But before the fish and his family began to help, they told Moses they had a demand. They and their descendants had to be always present at the seder meal that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story. When Moses agreed to this, he gave them their name which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"
The Eight Days of Chanukah
On the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me 3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the seventh night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
7 noodle kugels
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the eighth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
8 Alka- Seltzer
7 noodle kugels
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
PS: For the Israeli version, substitute:
1 Falafel ball , 2 spoons of Hummos, 3 liters of Tehina, 4 plates of salads, 5 glasses of eshkoliot(grapefruit juice), 6 bags of pita, 7 mouthfuls of ful and 8 grapes
All of the above submitted by Adorable Annabeth
Erev Christmas
T'was the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews,
My wife and me -- we had nothing to do....
The Gentiles were home, hanging stocking with care,
Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there....
But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town....
The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There weren't any concerts to go to that night....
A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a
thing....
Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below....
And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
My wife saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!"
So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and scarves --
And ran out the door for fear we would starve....
We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down....
And boarded "The El," bound for old Chinatown....
The train nearly empty, it rolled through the stops,
While visions of wontons danced through our kopfs....
We hopped off at Arch; the city was bright
With fresh-fallen snow and the trees strung with lights,
Then crept through 9th St. with its bums and its thugs,
And entrepreneurs selling ladies and drugs....
At last we reached Chinatown, rushed through the Arch;
And on to a feast did we march...
In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Lets decide!"
We chose Ho Sai Gai, and ventured inside....
Around us sat others, their platters piled high
With the finest of foods their money could buy:
There was roast duck and fried squid, (sweet, sour and
spiced,)
Dried beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,
Whole fish and moo shoo and shrimp chow mein foon,
And General Tsau chicken and ma po tofu.......
When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all....
And when in due time the food was all made,
It came to the table in a sort of parade....
Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,
And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls....
The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild,
And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled....
And while this went on, we became aware
Every diner around us had started to stare....
Their jaws hanging open, they looked on unblinking;
Some dropped their teacups, some drooled without
thinking....
So much piled up, one dish after the other,
My wife and I couldn't see one another!
Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils,
While they handed us something that looked like two
pencils....
We poked and we jabbed till our fingers were sore
And half of our dinner wound up on the floor....
We tried -- how we tried! -- but, sad truth to tell,
Ten long minutes later and still hungry as well,
We swallowed our pride, feeling vaguely like dorks,
And called to our waiter to bring us two forks....
We fressed and we feasted, we slurped and we munched....
We noshed and we supped, we breakfasted and lunched....
We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas
And barely had room for our fortune cookies....
But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood
When it said: "Pork is kosher, when its in Chinese food."
And my wife -- well ... she got a real winner;
Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner."
Our bellies were full and at last it was time
To travel back home and write some bad rhyme
Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak
About trying to refine our chop stick technique)....
The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
As we carried our leftovers home through the night;
"Good Yom Tov to all -- and to all a Good Night!"
All of the above submitted by Angel the Shiksa from Las Vegas
What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
Filet minyan
Q: If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what
does a mohel carry?
A: A Bris-kit!
Three guys are about to be executed, and they are asked what they wish to
have for their last meal.
The Italian responds, 'Peperoni Pizza,' which he is served and then he is
quickly executed.
The Frenchman requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then he is
promptly executed.
The Jew requests a plate of strawberries,
STRAWBERRIES? ? ? ?
Yes, Strawberries.
He is told, "But they are out of season!"
"So, nu, I'll wait!"
Submitted by Harry L. of VA
A Chinese man and a Jewish man were both sitting in the same restaurant having
lunch. Suddenly, without warning, the Jewish gentleman got up from his table, walked over to the Chinese gentleman, picked up the man’s water glass and poured it over his head.
"Why, on Earth, did you do that?" asked the Chinaman.
"That’s for Pearl Harbor!" replied the Jew.
"You idiot!" cried the Chinaman. "Pearl Harbor was attacked by Japan. I’m Chinese, not Japanese."
"Makes no difference to me." said the Jew. "Chinese, Japanese - it’s all the same."
At that, the Chinaman picked up his plate and dumped the contents over the
Jewish man’s head.
"What was that for? " asked the Jew.
"That’s for the Titanic! " replied the Chinaman.
The Jewish man said, "But the Titanic struck an iceberg. What has that to do with me?"
"Iceberg, Goldberg. It’s all the same to me. " said the Chinaman.
Submitted by Steve S., the Political Pundit
Only at Passover . . .
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this garbage?"
Submitted by Lawrence of Suburbia
The Conversion
A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics go crazy because, while they’re morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him. Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones:
"Born a Jew. . . . .Raised a Jew. . . . . .Now a Catholic."
The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew’s house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak.
He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying:
"Born a cow. . . . . .Raised a cow. . . . . .Now a fish."
A Jewish couple won twenty million dollars in the lottery. They
immediately went out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a
magnificent mansion estate in Southampton and surrounded themselves with
all the material wealth imaginable. They then decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled to London to hire one.
They found the perfect butler through an agency and brought him back to
the United States to their home. The day after his arrival, they
instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, that they were
inviting the Cohens to dinner. The couple then left the house for the day to do some shopping.
When they returned that evening, they found the table set for eight.
They asked the butler why eight when they specifically instructed him to set the table for four. The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and
said they were bringing the Bagels and the Bialys."
Submitted by Novato Ben
A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee a sits down to drinking
it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peal off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home! I WON a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!" The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"
By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You
couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't have that as
a prize!" Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
Submitted by The Flatbush Escapee
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.
"Force yourself," she replied.
Q? - What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A! - "Is ANYTHING all right?"
Submitted by Beautiful Barrie
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self
assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating
ecological issues; on the shores of an unpolluted pond, in a verdant
meadow, near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am. Then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle. Along with my mother you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she
chuckled to herself and thought, "I don't frigging think so."
Submitted by both Dan P. and Bob G. (I love your show.)
WHAT TO DO ON CHRISTMAS EVE
Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews,
My girlfriend and me-we had nothing to do.
The Gentiles were home, hanging stockings with care,
Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.
But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.
The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There weren't any concerts to got to that night.
A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing.
Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below.
And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!"
So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots
To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots.
We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down.
And boarded "The T," bound for old Chinatown.
In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Lets decide!"
We chose "Hunan Chozer," and ventured inside.
Around us sat other Jews, their platters piled high
With the finest of foods their money could buy:
There was roast duck and fried fake squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,)
Dried kosher beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,
Whole fish and moo shi and "shrimp" chow mee foon,
And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu....
When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all.
And when in due time the food was all made,
It came to the table in a sort of parade.
Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,
And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls.
The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild,
And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.
So much piled up, one dish after the other,
My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another!
Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils,
While they handed us something that looked like two pencils.
We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas
And barely had room for our fortune cookies.
But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood
When it said: "Even if it was kosher, it was still Chinese food!."
And my girlfriend-well ... she got a real winner;
Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner."
Our bellies were full and at last it was time
To travel back home and write some bad rhyme
Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak
About trying to refine our chopstick technique).
The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
As we carried our leftovers home through the night;
"Good Yom Tov to all-and to all a Good Night!"
Submitted by Bob, Carol & LadyHawke (Irene A. Mystery)
Puff the Jewish Dragon
Puff the Jewish Dragon, lived in Palestine and frolicked in the Synagogue
and drank Mogen David Wine.
Good Rabbi Friedman, loved that rascal Puff and fed him lots of matzo balls
and other Jewish stuff.
Then one day it happened, Puff chowed down on some pork, so good Rabbi Friedman took away that dragon's fork.
He told that naughty Puff, dragons don't each such meat that come from little
piggies with their dirty little feet.
CHORUS
Then Puff the Jewish Dragon
Let out a fearless roar
And packed up his suitcase
And was never seen no more.
Submitted by Absolutely Annabeth
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