Baically, my life sucks. i'm a stupid friggin loser. most of my friends aren't really my friends. i'm the exact opposite of what people want me to be. see, i dress different and grow my hair long because this is how i want to look. but i think people actually are starting to dislike me cos i aint the way THEY want me to be. well, screw them. the only problem is, i think the people i like and care for are also starting to dislike me. i have a total of five good friends, and a total of seven friends all together. and most of them are to busy to hang with me so i spend most of my life alone. and i also seem to screw the lives of those i care for, not on purpose, it just seems to work that way. i'm a friggin curse. anyone who gets close to me will end up having their life screwed in some way.

and don't even ask about girls. i'm basically the opposite of what a female looks for in a guy. big ears, big nose, short, 125 lbs, no personality, unathletic, stupid, weak, gay voice, i mean, part of the reason i am growing out my hair is so i can cover my buttugly f***ing face. i am as good looking as a friggin monkey. i HATE my life. it sucks. and even if i died tonight i would still screwup the lives of those that actually care for me. so no matter what i will always suck.

and people won't just leave me alone. i had a drawing (yes, that is one thing i CAN do) on my notebook of me standing in front of my tombstone with me covered in blood. then it had lyrics of a song i wrote, basicaly as depressing as this. boy i get some weird comments on it (see, i'm a junior in highschool). two girls were going all off on how sick it is. and started asking to see my wrists to see if i have slit them. then a couple days later one of them asked if i was all better, as if my hate and pain are some friggin cold. some people worry about me hurting myself or someone else, but i have an aversion to violence. i could never hurt anyone. i'm really as normal as anyone, but people instantly look at my clothes and hair and think "he's a disrespectful evil mannerless terrible little criminal." they never take time to know me for who i really am. fags.

Feb. 3, 2000

i'm sick of the fags at school. they suck. i'm not freaking them out anymore. see, when i started dressing in the color of death and wearing chains and making suicidal comments on my notebook, they actually started leaving me alone and not talking to me. it was nice. even if i have to sit with them at least they would leave me alone. but now they are used to my look and some actually are amused by my notebook because they think it's just a joke. which just screws my life all that more, because now they act like they're my friggin friends. even though i hate them. i just wish i could get up the nerve to screw them over and just tell them what i think of them. but i'm too kind. sucks. my lifelong friend finally said hey to me for the first time in months. i was like, wow, maybe she'll talk to me now. right. she didn't utter one more word towards me after that. the people i hate love me and the people i love hate me. that's just how f***ed my life is.

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