THE STORY OF BOB

Written February 1997

Bob was walking down the street when he came upon a hole that had been dug into the ground. Curious, (and a little stupid as well) he jumped down the hole to see what was down there. He landed with a thud on the hard dirt floor. He got up, brushed himself off, and looked around. But all he could see was total and complete darkness. He walked around aimlessley, searching for a torch or lantern or a conveniently located wall switch. Luckily, there was a switch down there.

Suddenly, he felt something on his leg. "OUCH!" He moaned in pain as he felt a sharp biting sensation on his leg. He looked down and saw a horrible, hideous snake gnawing at his calf. Bob yanked the snake off,and the snake jumped and began to chew his arm. "AAAAHHHHHH!!" Bob let out a girlish scream and swatted at the snake with his hand. "Ahh, get away, get away!" He managed to scare the ravenous reptile away from him. He immediately ran from there, farther on into the deep, dark cave.

As he was running, he saw a glimpse of light up ahead. He ran towards the light (no, he's not dead). When he arrived, he saw a hole in the ceiling of the cave. He could see the outside world from his currently secluded existence. The only problem was that he could not reach it because it was too high and he didn't think to bring his trusty pocket pop-up ladder with him. He started to scream for help, but nobody on the outside was paying attention to him because they didn't really like Bob, and they were having some problems of their own.

Up on the surface, the people were running with fright as the most horrible occurrence in the history of the world was taking place. Lasers were shooting past people's heads, some being struck. The ones that were hit exploded immediately upon contact, spewing brain debris all over (except when Barney the Purple Dinosaur was hit because there was nothing to spread).

Bob could hear the lasers and the screaming. He couldn't understand what the people were saying, however, because for some odd reason they were all speaking French.

"ETRANGERS!! ETRANGERS!!" The crowd yelled as they sprinted for safety. Bob had taken two years of French in high school, but pretty much sat mindlessly through every class, so he didn't learn much.

Bob knew that there had to be a way out so that he could find out what was going on up there. Just then, he heard a "DING!", and the wall of rock behind him split open. It was an elevator! How convenient! He stepped into the elevator, pushed the S button (Surface), and the wall closed in front of him. He started his ascent to the top.

When the doors opened and he saw what was going on, he almost tossed his peanut butter and sardine sandwich he had for lunch (I'm surprised he hadn't already tossed it). He could not believe it. It was an alien invasion! The streets were filled with green, eight-foot-tall slimy creatures with three arms and two heads. Their arms were ten feet long, perfect for whipping poor, defenseless humans, which is exactly what they were doing. Many people were snagged from behind and beaten to death by the nasty E.T.'s.

"Mother of poop!" Bob exclaimed as he witnessed this horrible event. He turned to go back in the elevator because he was just a big sissy, but found that it had disappeared just as mysteriously as it had appeared. One of the aliens saw Bob and gave him an evil glare with all twenty-seven of his eyes. It lifted an arm, flung it towards our sappy hero, and pulled him in. Another hand rose and began to head straight for Bob's rear end.

At that exact moment, as the alien's 3-fingered hand was nearing Bob's anal orifice, our pal let out a tremendous fart. The alien gagged and collapsed to the ground. "Wow, my butt odor killed the alien. This could be very useful." Bob then proceeded to run around the town tooting as much as he could. Everywhere he went, huge slimy bodies fell to the ground as if in pain and agony (probably because they were in pain and agony). Bob had never farted so much at one time in his life, but hey, the future of the world was at stake. You'd do the same thing. At least I would.

Bob continued until all of the visitors from beyond were exterminated. He had saved the world from complete destruction. However, his gas caused great damage to the ozone layer, and everyone died from overexposure to UV rays within two months. GOOD GOING, BOB!!!

The End (of the world as we know it)