I do NOT own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show “That 70’s Show”. They were created by
Bonnie Turner,
Terry Turner, and
Mark Brazill and belong to them, Carsey-Werner and the FOX televison network.
This is not a novelization or a script. It is a straightforward and direct transcript of the episode “Eric’s Birthday”. It also includes descriptions of the settings, action scenes and camera movements where I felt they were needed.
I made every effort to accurately transcribe the dialogue from this episode. If you notice anything that is transcribed incorrectly, please let me know and I will post an update.
©1999 Kandigurl
(The Formans' Basement: The gang is watching “Petticoat Junction” on TV.)
Hyde: Does it bother anyone that these women live in Hooterville?
Eric: Technically Petticoat Junction is just town the track from Hooterville.
Hyde: Ok, does it bother anyone that they live just down the track from Hooterville?
Donna: It bothers me that they bathe in the town water tank.
Kelso: With the dog.
Jackie: It isn't the drinking water, it is the water for the train.
Donna: It's still three naked women with a dog.
Fez: I want to be the Hooterville dog.
(Kitty comes down with a basket full of washing.)
Kitty: Yoo hoo, coming down. Now don't mind me, I'm just putting some clothes in. Eric, honey, (Holding up a shirt) I thought you could wear this on your birthday, it's nice, you look so handsome in it.
Eric: Why would I want to dress nice on my birthday?
Kelso: It's your birthday?
Kitty: Oh, you never know what's going to happen on your birthday.
Eric: Mom. Mom, do not throw a party for me.
Kitty: Oh well listen to Mr. Popularity, like I have time to plan you a party. (Laughs) Oh um, by the way, your sister Laurie is coming home from college for the weekend. No special reason, she just is. (She goes back upstairs.)
Donna: Well, you're getting a party, and best of all it's a surprise!
(That 70’s Show theme song plays)
(The Formans' Kitchen: Red is reading the paper. The radio is playing. Kitty dances over to Red to refill his glass. Eric enters.)
Eric: Morning.
Red: Morning. (Eric heads towards the fridge but Kitty realizes where he's going and closes the door before he can see what's inside.)
Kitty: Uh-uh. I'll get it. (She open the door just enough to get the milk out for Eric. The Eric proceeds to try and open a cupboard but Kitty slams it shut.) Uh-uh. I'll get it. (She gets a box of cereal out of the cupboard for Eric.)
Eric: Did I just see about seven bags of potato chips in there?
Kitty: They were on sale.
Eric: Please don't throw me a party.
Kitty: (Sitting down) I'm not throwing a party.
Red: Don't give him one.
Kitty: (Quickly) I'm not.
Red: He's too old for a surprise party.
Kitty: (Raising her voice) I'm agreeing with you!
Red: Then stop yelling.
Kitty: I'm not yelling.
Eric: (Sitting down) Look, I know money's tight, so I don't want a big birthday.
Red: I'll decide when money's tight. Now, what kind of gift do you want? Don't worry about the cost, as long as it's reasonable.
Eric: Ok, I would like a cassette player for the car. A cassette, not an eight-track. No eight-track. Ok?
Kitty: You know, I don't know why they don't just put record players in cars.
Eric: The point is, I don't want an eight-track tape player.
Red: Then you won't get one.
Kitty: Oh, but honey, he wants one.
Eric: No, I want a tape player, just not an eight-track.
Red: You'll get a Delco. A genuine GM part for your genuine GM car.
Eric: It doesn't have to be a Delco, it's just for music.
Red: Oh, now see, now there's your first mistake. Parts have to be compatible. Eric. You're not burning cheap gas in that car, are you?
Eric: No, sir. (Pause) Well, I'm going out. (He gets up)
Kitty: (Getting up) Oh, good. I want you to run to the store for me. Get a large can of frosting and fifteen small bags of M&M's, plain, not peanut. (Eric stares at her.) They're for your sister. (Eric just shakes his head and leaves through the living room. Kitty breathes a sigh of relief.) Wooo...That was close!
(The Formans' Driveway: The guys are playing basket ball. Jackie and Donna are leaning against the Vista Cruiser.)
Jackie: So?
Donna: What?
Jackie: What are you going to get Eric for his birthday?
Donna: I don't know. Nothing seems right. I wanna give him something special.
(Jackie stares at Donna and a look of disbelief crosses her face.)
Jackie: He kissed you!
Donna: Sssshhhhh!
Jackie: Get in the car. Donna, get in the car so we can talk! (They get in the car) Ok, what happened?
Donna: Jackie, I'm not going to talk to you about this.
Jackie: And who are you going to talk to? (They look at the guys, who are doing armpit farts.)
Donna: Ok. We get home from the Rundgren concert, and I'm sitting on the hood of the car, and I kissed him.
Jackie: French or American?
Donna: I can't believe I'm talking to you about this. (We see Hyde and Kelso giving Fez a wedgie)
Fez: Guys, no...
Donna: Ok, so look, I've lived next door to Eric my entire life, and we talk about everything together, we love the same music, we love the Packers, and then I kissed him and everything changed and now I don't know if he's my boyfriend or he's my best friend, and if he's my boyfriend, I lose my best friend and if I screw it up I lose my best friend and my boyfriend and now I've gotta get him this gift and I don't know if-
Jackie: Donna, Donna! I've solved it. Get him a scented candle.
Donna: A scented candle?
Jackie: It's practical and romantic. Oh yeah.
Donna: (Mouths) Oh yeah...
(The Formans' Basement: Laurie is doing laundry and is dressed only in a sweatshirt. Hyde, Fez, and Kelso enter.)
Fez: (Holding the ball) I had the ball last, I win.
Kelso: No, you didn't win.
Fez: Yes, I had the ball last, I- (As Laurie bends over both Fez and Kelso freeze) Holy mother...
Kelso: (Stepping in front of Fez and speaking in a deep voice) Hello Laurie.
Laurie: (Friendly) Hello Kelso. (Sourly to Hyde) Hyde.
(He just stares at her with disgust.)
(Eric comes downstairs)
Eric: Laurie.
Laurie: Eric.
Eric: Shouldn't you put some clothes on?
Laurie: Why?
Eric: Aren't you a little cold?
Laurie: No, in fact, I'm hot.
Eric: Oh, well then why don't you go upstairs?
Laurie: I'm waiting for my jeans to come out of the dryer and I want you to stay off my case, it will only take me a minute.
(Kelso continues to stare at Laurie as if in a trance.)
Eric: I don't think Kelso's gonna last that long.
Laurie: Too bad. It's not like I'm completely naked under this. I'm wearing underwear. (She pulls her shirt up briefly to show them. Kelso and Fez let out "Ooohhh" and "Aaaiiiee" noises.) If we were at the beach, you wouldn't even notice me.
Hyde: If we were at the beach, Kelso would be in the water right now.
Laurie: So I understand you have the wagon now? I want to borrow it tomorrow night, I need it.
Eric: Ok, but I need a favor.
Laurie: For you? I don't think so.
Eric: Come on, just tell mom I'm too old for surprise parties.
Laurie: But you're the baby. (Patronizing) And momma loves her baby.
Eric: Well if you do it, you can borrow the Vista Cruiser.
Laurie: All night.
Eric: All night?! (She nods) Fine.
Laurie: Then it's a deal. (She pinches his cheek) Baby. (She goes upstairs)
Kelso: (Smiling) Woo hoo hoo hoo hoo...Whooooo! (Does a pelvic thrust) Yeah! Your sister wants me! I mean you saw her coming onto me right?
(Fez opens his mouth to speak but Hyde stops him.)
Hyde: Let him go.
(Kelso has a goofy smile on his face. The others just stare at him with a mixture of confusion and pity.)
Kelso: What? You didn't see it?
(The Formans' Dining Room: the camera pans around the table.)
Red: (attempting to make small talk) So, how's your friend Janice?
Laurie: Pregnant.
Kitty: Oh, she was such a nice girl, how would that happen?
Eric: Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus, where it attaches to the wall-
Red: Eric, for God sakes, that's no language for a woman to hear.
Laurie: It's ok Red, I know what a fallopian tube is, I think Mom does too.
Kitty: Well, I just don't like my little boy bandying those words about. (She leans over and wipes the corner of his mouth.) You're still my baby.
Eric: Thanks, Mom. Laurie?
Red: Quit staring at your sister and eat your carrots.
Laurie: Oh yeah, Eric wanted me to tell you that he thinks he's too old for a party. (holds out her hand) Keys?
Kitty: There's no party. Laurie, no slips.
Eric: Oh, Laurie, I just remembered, I can't loan you the Vista Cruiser on account of I hate you.
Red: Laurie, you're not driving the Vista Cruiser, it's old and undependable. It could break down, you could be at the mercy of any maniac who came along. That's ok for Eric. But you're taking the Toyota. (He hands her the keys) Oh and uh, here's a twenty.
Laurie: Will that cover gas?
Kitty: Oh, well it should-Honey, honey, give her another ten just in case.
Eric: You know, I could probably use some gas money.
Red: Yeah, and if a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass when he hops.
(He gives Laurie more money)
(The Formans' Living Room, three AM: The doorbell rings and Eric comes downstairs.)
Eric: Coming, I'm coming. (He opens the door to see Donna there in her nightgown) Donna? Donna, it's three AM, are you crazy?
Donna: Crazy? Crazy in love with you. What is it about you that drives me wild with passion and desire?
Eric: Well I am…seventeen now...
Donna: Shut up and sit down. (Eric runs to the couch and sits. Donna comes in and closes the door.) I have to give your birthday present. It can't wait any longer. Close your eyes. (We see Donna's hand drop her nightgown into Eric's lap.)
Eric: (Holding the nightgown with his eyes closed) This is my birthday present?
Donna: No, that's my nightgown. I'm your present! Open your eyes birthday boy!
(Eric opens his eyes to a plate with two fried eggs on it.)
Voices: Surprise!!
(The scene quickly changes to Eric's bedroom.)
Eric: Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
Kitty: (Laughing, Red and Laurie are behind her) Birthday breakfast, and this is it young man, a few gifts tonight, the end. And it is too late to change your mind about a party now, so don't think you're going to get one, or you will be sorely disappointed.
(She gives Laurie a big smile like she fooled him and leaves.)
Red: Happy birthday. (He turns to leave and then comes back.) You know, the lawn’s not going to cut itself. (He leaves.)
Eric: Thanks, Mom, Dad.
Laurie: Hey little brother. Nice tent.
(The Formans' Basement: Fez, Jackie, Kelso, Hyde and Donna are all sitting still, not saying anything and look like they're concentrating on something. Eric looks at them and knows what's going on.)
Eric: Look, I know what you're all doing here.
Kelso: (Not moving) What are you talking about, man? We're just hanging out, except we're dressed nice, but that doesn't mean anything.
(They just continue to just sit there. Kitty comes down the stairs.)
Kitty: Hi kids, um, I need your help with something. Jackie, Donna, Michael, Steven, (Pause) young man with the accent, could you give me a hand? Not you Eric.
(The five of them get up and go upstairs. When they get through the door, we hear what sounds like a herd of buffaloes running around on the wooden floor.)
Eric: God, I can't take it. (He tries to leave through the back door but when he opens it, Red is standing in the doorway.) Bu-
Red: No.
Eric: I-
Red: Nooo. No, sir.
(Kitty comes downstairs again.)
Kitty: Eric? Eric, honey? Honey, could you come up here for a second? (She goes back upstairs) Shut up, he's coming!
Everyone: Surprise!!
(The Formans' Living Room: Point of view from inside Eric's present. The paper torn away from in front of the camera to reveal Eric wearing a party hat, and red and Kitty leaning over each shoulder.)
Eric: Wow...I mean, yeah...
Kitty: (Laughing) It's an eight-track tape player.
Eric: I see that.
Red: Just what you asked for.
Kitty: You made such a big deal about it, I wrote it down.
(Time lapse: Eric and Hyde are sitting on the couch. Eric opens his gift.)
Eric: (Holding them up) Cassettes. Great, thanks, Hyde.
Hyde: (Holds up the eight-track player) You're welcome.
Kitty: Oh, lets put them in the eight-track and play 'em.
(Time lapse: Eric opens another present.)
Eric: Hey...(Holds up the box)A shave dispenser!
Kitty: (Grabbing the box out of his hand) Oh, he won't need that for a long time. A long, long time.
Midge: Of course he will, he's almost like a man.
(Kitty starts to cry)
Donna: (picking up her present) I got you something.
Jackie: No! Donna, help me find my purse. Now!
(She grabs Donna by the arm and drags her into the kitchen.)
(They go into Formans' Kitchen)
Donna: Jackie, you didn't even bring a purse!
Jackie: Duh! You can't give him your present in front of his guy friends.
Donna: I am one of his guy friends.
Jackie: Look, Donna, I have put a lot of thought into this gift, please do not wreck it for me.
Donna: (Sarcastically) I'm sorry. I guess I was being selfish.
Jackie: That's ok.
(The Formans' Living Room)
Red: Ok, it's time we disappeared.
Kitty: What, honey? Honey, the party just started.
Red: I know, that's why we're going over to Bob's.
Kitty: Well I wanted to give Eric a party.
Red: And you did. (He pulls Kitty toward the door) You make a mess, you're all grounded.
(Midge leaves.)
Bob: (Smiling) You darn kids.
(He follows Midge out the door.)
Kitty: Well you know, what if they run out of ketchup or something?
Red: Let's go.
(Pulling her out.)
Kitty: (Desperately trying to stay) Well, we have more buns and sweet pickles if you don't like the dills!
(Red finally manages to pull her out the door.)
Laurie: (Getting up) Ok, I'd like to stay, but I'm leaving.
Laurie: I admit it would give you young people a sense of maturity, but it would be a false sense of maturity and that would be wrong.
(Turns to leave)
Eric: So, you're not going to do it?
Laurie: Course not. Now I'm going off to join my legal friends at a party, with a keg. (Waves) Bye.
(She goes to the door)
Kelso: (Runs around the couch, almost knocking over the lamp and stops at the bottom of the stairs.) So. Laurie. Where's the party? You know, maybe, we'll cruise by later.
Laurie: In your dreams, you idiot.
(She leaves letting the door slam behind her.)
Kelso: Ok, you guys had to see that!!
(The Pinciottis' Kitchen: Bob, Midge, Red and Kitty are playing Yahtzee.)
Bob: (Rolls the dice) Three fours, I need them.
Midge: Bob is very good at Yahtzee.
Kitty: (Looks at Red) The liquor cabinet.
Red: It's locked.
Kitty: What if there's an emergency?
Red: They'll call.
Kitty: What if they run out of chips?
Red: They'll starve.
Bob: (Getting up) I'm gonna fix myself a Tom Collins. Red?
Red: No, Kitty needs one.
Kitty: (Getting up) Well I am just worried. (Hears a car) Oh my Lord, Laurie's leaving!
Red: Well honey, she's in college, she doesn't want to hang around them.
Kitty: (Heading towards the phone) Maybe I should call, just in case-
Red: (Jumping up and getting to the phone before she does) Kitty, what could happen?
Kitty: What could happen? Well plenty could happen. Oh, plenty. (Kitty imagines all the bad things that could be going on at Eric's party. She does all the voices. Hyde and Kelso are dressed like pimps, Donna and Jackie are dressed like whores and Fez is dressed as a gangster. Eric is in the same clothes and tied to a chair.)
Kelso: (Jumping over the couch) Hey look, coasters!! (Picks up a couple of handfuls of them off the table)
Hyde: (Follows Kelso over the couch, who hands him a handful of coasters) Forget coasters!! (he throws them into the air)
Eric: Please, fellas, my mom put out coasters for a reason.
Hyde: (Picking up a glass) I think I'm going to put my drink directly on the furniture. (Puts the glass down) That way, it will leave a ring.
Eric: Nooo!! Why oh why didn't I beg my mother to stay?!
Fez: (Who has one foot up on the table and is on the phone) Quiet you silly American! I am making a long distance call on your parents' phone!
Eric: But that's immoral!
Fez: Hah! (Puts the phone down) In my country of...(pauses) wherever it is I am from, I can never tell, morals get in the way of a good dirty time. But first, I need to eat some chips. (Walks over to the table) What?! Out of chips?! Now I am mad. (Takes out a gun) I must shoot something.
Eric: Not the littlest hobo!! (Fez aims at and shoots the figurine on the TV and it blows up in slow motion.) Whyyyyyyy?!
(Fade back to the Pinciottis' Kitchen)
Red: You're overreacting.
Midge: (Gets up holding a book) Oh Kitty, when Valerie went off to college, I felt the same way, but this book of poems helped me. It's called, "Verses From an Empty Nest."
Bob: Read her that one about the little bird that lost it's way.
Midge: Oh yeah...(Opens book) The little bird that once did sing, is now alone with broken wing.
Bob: (Choked up) Oh, God.
Kitty: Yep, that sounds nice. (Handing her glass to Red) I need a refill.
Red: But honey, you usually only drink one.
(Kitty takes back the glass)
Kitty: Well tonight I'm having two.
(Holds out her glass to Bob, who refills it.)
(The Formans' Kitchen: Donna and Jackie are talking)
Jackie: Wait on the porch and I'll get Eric.
Donna: It's dark out there.
Jackie: And you're giving him a candle! Yeah! Here, matches. (She hands them to her.)
Donna: He might not want to light it.
Jackie: Don't say that! Don't even think it. Now, when he opens it he'll say "Cool" or something and then you give him a look, like this...
(She demonstrates by tilting her head to one side and batting her eyes, which Donna cannot find any words to reply with.)
(The Formans' Living Room: The guys are talking.)
Fez: So, what did you get from Donna?
Eric: Nothing yet.
Kelso: Uhhhhh...Maybe it's the big gift. You know, the really big gift. (He gets no reaction) You guys know what I'm saying when I say "the big gift" right?
Hyde: Yeah, we get it. And we got it.
Fez: I'm not even from here and I got it!
Jackie: (Entering) Oh Eric, Donna's on the porch.
(The guys all turn to look at Eric)
Kelso: He's gettin' the big gift!
(The Formans' Patio: Donna stands awkwardly while Eric unwraps his gift.)
Eric: Oh, a sand candle, this is very cool.
Donna: Oh, it's nothing.
(She leans up against the wall and bats her eyes awkwardly and tilts her head way back.)
Eric: (Worried) Are you ok?
Donna: Oh, I'm fine, yeah...
Eric: 'Cause you looked like you might be sick or something.
Donna: I am just being completely stupid.
Eric: Hey, that's my job.
Donna: (Smiles) I was worried about the gift.
Eric: Why? This is a very cool gift, I'd light it if I had matches.
Donna: Here.
(Puts matches on top of the candle.)
Eric: You thought of everything.
Donna: Well, happy birthday. (They stand in an awkward silence. Eric slowly slides his hand over Donna's on the banister. They look at each other and for a second, look like they're about to kiss, but then there is a loud crashing sound. Red and Kitty approach from across the driveway. Kitty is drunk.)
Kitty: Ooohhhhh...Look at this...Ooohhhh...We never thought to put a candle out here, oh, it is just so romantic.
Red: Let's keep moving, there's nothing to see out here.
(He guides Kitty through the door)
Eric: Thanks, thanks, Dad.
Kitty: (From inside) Oh, we have candles in the bedroom, don't we?!
(Red and Kitty laugh, making Eric and Donna cringe)
(The Formans' Patio: Eric and Donna are sitting down with the candle lit. Jackie, Kelso, Fez, and Hyde are watching from inside, attempting to hide behind the counter.)
Jackie: This is it, he's going for it.
Kelso: Uh-uh, it's his birthday, she should make the first move.
Jackie: She did last time.
Hyde/Fez: What?!
Jackie: Nothing! Just shut up and watch.
Hyde: Come on Forman, go for it!
Eric: (Looks in at them) The door is open, we can hear you. We can see you! (They all duck behind the counter)
Fez: Is he kissing her?
Hyde: None of us can see them, Fez.
Fez: (Calling out) Eric, are you kissing her? (Donna pushes the door closed and Eric blows out the candle.)