I do NOT own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show “That 70’s Show”. They were created by Bonnie Turner, Terry Turner, and Mark Brazill and belong to them, Carsey-Werner and the FOX televison network.

This is not a novelization or a script. It is a straightforward and direct transcript of the episode “Eric’s Burger Job”. It also includes descriptions of the settings, action scenes and camera movements where I felt they were needed.

I made every effort to accurately transcribe the dialogue from this episode. If you notice anything that is transcribed incorrectly, please let me know and I will post an update.

©1999 Kandigurl

(The gang is hanging out in the basement. Jackie is blissfully listening to a song and swaying from side to side.)

Jackie: Ooh, ooh, I just wanna hear the guitar solo one more time.

Hyde: Not again. Use the headphones. (She makes a face at Hyde. Then she plugs them in and puts them on) Good, now wrap the cord around your neck.

Eric: Hey, would you guys respect me if I worked in the town dump?

Donna: The town dump? No. Now the state dump...Why are you looking for a job?

Eric: Everything costs money. Gas, clothes...fun.

Kelso: Dates. Dates cost money.

Fez: No Kelso, that is prostitution.

Hyde: Dating is prostitution, man, only you don't always get what you pay for.

Donna: Said the man who's never had a girlfriend.

Hyde: What, you guys don't remember Esther, the biker chick?

Eric: Hey, whatever happened to her?

Hyde: She dated my uncle.

Donna: Well, I'm going home for dinner. Oh, by the way, Mom and Dad are going to the Playboy Club at Lake Geneva. Do you guys want souvenirs?

Hyde: Yeah, ashtrays.

Fez: A woman.

Jackie: Your parents are gonna be out of town....Really?

(She looks at Eric, who's not paying attention)

Donna: Yeah. I mean I'll be babysitting my sister Tina all weekend. Just me, alone, watching TV. I might order a pizza.

(She leans suggestively toward Eric)

Kelso: I got an idea! We'll have a party at Donna's. A toga party!

Jackie: Michael, Michael! Maybe Donna doesn't wanna have a party. Maybe she wants to be alone.

Donna: Yeah, just me, alone. If someone happens to stop by, that'd be cool.

Kelso: So we're on! I'll bring the beer.

Fez: Donna, I've never been to an American party. May I come?

Donna: Uh, I don't care. So, um, Eric, are you gonna be there?

Eric: (Looking up from the paper) Yeah, yeah. That sounds fun.

Donna: Cool. Catch you guys later.

(She leaves)

Kelso: Woo hoo, party at Donna's!

(Jackie smacks both Kelso and Eric in the backs of their heads)

Jackie: You are both so stupid!

Eric: Why?

(Jackie sighs and runs out frustrated)

Hyde: Well, this is a first. I actually agree with Jackie.

Eric: What? You're saying that I'm stupid?

Hyde: Donna just put on the full court press, man, and you dropped the ball.

Eric: What are you talking about? All she said was she'd be alone on Saturday night with a pizza- Oh my God, I'm so stupid.

(That 70’s Show theme song plays)

(The Formans' Kitchen: Red, kitty and Eric are eating.)

Eric: So, Dad, the guys and I are thinking about getting jobs.

Kitty: No, no, no. You have a job. It's your job to get good grades, go to college and…leave me.

Red: Kitty, when I was his age I worked in a slaughter house. It was a good experience. I learned how to use a hammer.

(Kitty gets disgusted and stops eating)

Eric: Uh, the new Fatso Burger's hiring people. Jackie's dad owns it. I guess I could get a job there.

Kitty: There is plenty of time later to get a job to grind the joy out of your life.

Red: It's never too early. But let me tell you something, work is not about fun. It's about work. It's about seeing how much crap you can take from the boss man and then taking some more. Hey, look at me, only quitters quit.

Eric: So, can I work?

Red: Well, we're sure as hell gonna find out now, aren't we?

(The Basement: Donna and Hyde are sitting and talking.)

Hyde: So, big party Saturday night.

Donna: Whoopee.

Hyde: I can't believe Forman missed all those signals.

Donna: What signals?

Hyde: (In a feminine voice) Oh no, poor me, all alone in my big house, just me and my nightie. If only there was some scrawny little neighbor boy here.

Donna: He's not scrawny. You know, why am I even talking to you?

Hyde: I'm all you got.

Donna: (Collapsing into the couch and laying on it like a psychiatrist's patient would) Oh my God, so everyone knows!

Hyde: (Picking up a pencil) I'm afraid so.

Donna: I just wanted to spend some time with him alone and now I can't.

Hyde: How does that make you feel?

Donna: Frustrated! It's frustrating as hell! I mean I really put myself out there.

Hyde: I see. Do you have trouble sleeping at night?

Donna: Sometimes, yeah I do.

Hyde: Do you think you'd sleep better if you had a scrawny little neighbor boy up next to you?

(She sits up and glares at him.)

(The Formans' Kitchen: Red is teaching Eric how to introduce himself.)

Red: Ok, let's hear it.

Eric: (Steps up to him and shakes his hand) Hello, my name is Eric Forman.

Red: No, no, no. Not with a loose hand. Firm! Not like a fish! Again.

Eric: Hello, my name is-

Red: No, step into it. Stand up straight.

Eric: Straight up and hold the fish.

Red: Don't be a smartmouth.

Eric: Right. No, no smart mouth. Hello, my name is Eric Forman.

Red: And?

Eric: And...

Kitty: Ooh, ooh, um, tell them about your junior achievement experience.

Red: Oh, they could give a rat's ass about that.

Kitty: Ok, um, show them your honorable mention from the science fair.

Red: Again...

Kitty: Right, rat's ass.

Red: Don't slouch.

Eric: Wouldn't that fall under the, uh, stand up straight category?

Red: See, now that's a smart mouth. You're fired Mr. Smartmouth! See, that's how that works.

(Fatso Burger: Eric, Fez, Hyde, and Kelso are about to be interviewed. They are listening to Ricky introduce the restaurant to them.) Ricky: First of all, people who work at Fatso Burger are special. Now I know you're looking at me and wondering, "How do I get where Ricky is?" Well, if you work hard, pay attention, and use the proper finger release technique on the slant cup dispenser, you could be me. Now lets get started. Why do you want a career at Fatso Burger?

(The camera flashes from person to person as they answer the questions.)

Eric: I just think it will be a wonderful experience.

Kelso: My girlfriend's dad owns it.

Fez: I love the uniforms.

Hyde: To unionize the workers, man.

Ricky: Tell me, what do you consider your best quality?

Eric: Well, I'm a real people person.

Hyde: I don't answer stupid questions.

Fez: I speak Dutch.

Kelso: My eyes. Oh, and I guess my butt too.

Ricky: Name something about yourself that you consider to be a weakness.

Eric: I allow people to boss me around.

Fez: I love chocolate.

Hyde: I'm brutally honest...pinhead.

Kelso: Um...

(Leans back in his chair and falls over)

Ricky: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Eric: Fatso Burger.

Fez: I'm wearing gold chains.

Kelso: Rock star. Uh, no, movie star. No, yeah, rock star.

Hyde: Prison.

Ricky: Well, I'd like to thank you all very much for coming in. Eric, welcome to the Fatso Burger family.

(The Burkhardts' Den: Jackie is talking to her father.)

Jackie: Oh Daddy, I'm so sad.

Mr. Burkhardt: Why, Kitten?

Jackie: Because Fatso Burger hired Eric instead of Michael.

Mr. Burkhardt: I know that dear.

Jackie: Why would they do that Daddy?

Mr. Burkhardt: Let me tell you a story about Doofus and Diligent...

(The scene transforms into an old back and white film strip "The Story of Doofus and Diligent" with Mr Burkhardt narrating, Eric as Diligent and Kelso as Doofus. Mr Burhardt does all the voices.)

Narrator: (Voice over) Doofus is friendly, but he doesn't follow directions well. Now, Diligent always does his job by the book. This is how to the book says to do it...

Diligent: (Wiping the counter) Wipe left to right.

Narrator: Uh oh Looks like a big order just came in...

Dilligent: Let me help guys.

Narrator: ...says Diligent.

Diligent: But wait a second. Where's Doofus?

(Shot of Doofus on the toilet with a comic book Diligent is using the urinal.)

Diligent: Uh oh, I was in such a hurry to get back to work, I almost forgot. (He washes his hands. Doofus is pulling up his pants as he walks to the door.) Hey Doofus, you're supposed to wash your hands after using the facility.

Doofus: Hah, no way Diligent. That's for squares.

(He draws a square with his fingers. The film ends)

Jackie: So…Michael's a Doofus?

Mr. Burkhardt: And how.

(The Pinciottis' Yard: Bob and Midge are prepping Donna before they leave.)

Midge: We expect you to be responsible when we're out of town.

Bob: No parties.

Midge: And I want you to be nice to your sister. Don't make Tina eat dirt, I mean it.

Bob: And no boys. They only want one thing and it's a dirty, dirty thing they want. 'Nuff said. (Eric enters) Hey looking sharp , Eric. You gonna be around this weekend?

Eric: Yes Sir.

Bob: Good. Make sure no guys are hanging around Donna. Capisce?

(Bob and Midge go inside)

Eric: So, I got a job.

Donna: Yeah?

Eric: It seems I'm Fatso Burger material...and I really wish I hadn't just said that.

Donna: No, it sounded really cool. (She looks away and rolls her eyes as if she wishes she hadn’t just said that.) So, um, are you still coming to the party on Saturday?

Eric: Well I work late on Saturday night, but maybe if I get out early I could like, swing by.

Donna: Sounds good.

Eric: Yeah, but I mean it might be really late, so everyone else might be gone.

Donna: Well, um, you know if I'm still up I can leave the light on if you want me tobb Eric: Yeah.

Donna: Oh.

Eric: I mean yeah. That would be great 'cause that way with the light on I couldn't…fall.

Donna: Yeah.

Eric: Ok.

Donna: Sounds good. Yeah.

(They both get ready to go inside their own houses)

Eric: Hey Donna. Um, that light?

Donna: Yeah.

Eric: Cool.

Donna: Ok.

(The Formans' Driveway: Donna is playing basketball, Eric is leaving for work.)

Eric: Bye Mom.

Donna: Oh Eric, I'm going to the reservoir. You wanna go?

Eric: Nope, I gotta work.

(Donna and Eric turn around, Donna in different clothes, indicating the next day.)

Donna: Hey Eric, I'm meeting everyone at the Hub. You wanna go?

Eric: Nope, I gotta work.

(The next day)

Donna: Hey Eric, I'm going to the movies. You wanna go?

Eric: Nope, I gotta work.

(The next day)

Donna: Hey Eric, I got this new bikini but I think it's too small. Can I model it for you?

Eric: (With deep regret) Nope, I gotta wo-ork.

(Fatso Burger: Eric is mopping the floors.)

Ricky: Hey, how's that mopping coming along?

Eric: Well, I'm just happy to be a part of the Fatso Burger family. (Ricky walks away) You dumbass.

(Hyde, Fez, Jackie and Kelso walk in.)

Hyde: Here, here, my minimum wage friend, I demand service!

Eric: Welcome to Fatso Burger, how may I serve you?

Hyde: That is so sad burger boy.

Kelso: Jackie, I've been racking my brain trying to figure out why this guy didn't hire me.

Jackie: Michael, I am so tired of hearing that. You still have me.

Kelso: You know what I think it is?

Jackie: What?

Kelso: I'm great looking and he's jealous. I'm telling you Jackie, this body is a curse!

Jackie: Well besides, if you worked here you couldn't see me whenever I wanted you to...lover.

Kelso: Oh yeah. (They kiss)

Fez: Please stop touching each other. It gives me needs.

(The Pinciottis' Yard: At Donna's party, Kelso comes running in wearing a toga, Jackie's right behind him.)

Kelso: Toga! Toga! Toga!

Hyde: Hey man, nice dress. (Kelso shows him the beer) You brought three beers Meathead?

Kelso: We'll share.

(Donna and Hyde each take a beer from him)

Hyde: Here's to our wasted youth, huh?

(They open the beers in unison, the camera cuts to the Forman’s living room. Red jumps up as if he heard the beers.)

Red: Party.

(Back at the party Fez arrives.)

Donna: Hey Fez.

Fez: Good evening Donna. Which of these ladies are easy?

(Tina comes out of the house)

Tina: Donna, some of your creepy friends are using Dad's stereo.

Donna: You guys, no one's allowed in the house!

Fez: (To Tina) Hello Pretty Lady.

Tina: Hi!

Donna: She's not a pretty lady. She's my sister and she's fourteen.

Fez: You know in my country-

Hyde: It's illegal here.

Fez: (Disappointed) Oh, I see.

Jackie: Michael, you and I need to talk, inside.

Kelso: O-k.

(He smiles. They go inside.)

Donna: I'm miserable, this party sucks.

Hyde: You know what'll make you feel better? Scrawny little neighbor boy. Why don't you take off, go see him and I'll watch the kids, huh?

Donna: Yeah? Thanks Hyde.

Hyde: (Belches) You're welcome.

(She leaves)

(Fatso Burger: Kitty walks in.)

Eric: Welcome to Fatso Burger, how may I serve you?

Kitty: Honey, it's me.

Eric: I know. I…have to say that.

Kitty: Oh, oh, ok. Well, I was on a break from the hospital, so I thought I'd bring you some nice hot soup. Oh, oyster crackers!

Eric: Oh, thank God, something to eat.

Kitty: So, how's it going?

Eric: It's great.

Kitty: (She pauses then tries her question again.) So, how's it going?

Eric: It's terrible. I'm exhausted. I'm behind on my homework and I think this polyester uniform is giving me a body rash.

Kitty: Oh oh, um, I swept the driveway for you.

Eric: Oh! Oh, Mom I'm sorry, I forgot.

Kitty: That's ok. You know what, here, I’ll do this. (She starts cleaning the garbage off a table) You sit down and you eat your soup. You know um, Eric if you want to quit, your father and I will completely understand.

Eric: Did Dad tell you that?

Kitty: Well you leave your father to me. You just, you worry about you.

(Ricky come out of the back room)

Ricky: Hey Forman, who said you were on break?!

Kitty: I did.

Ricky: And who are you?!

Kitty: I'm his mother!

Ricky: Good enough then.

(Bob and Midge's Bedroom: Jackie and Michael walk in.)

Jackie: Michael, sit. We need to talk.

(He sits and sees that it's a waterbed)

Kelso: Oh-ho...Ahoy Jackie, welcome aboard the U.S.S. Kelso.

Jackie: You know sometimes I'm beginning to think you're a real screw up. You see, one day, I want a house. And kids. And maybe a chandelier. And if you can't give me those things Michael, then this is all a big waste of time. (She sits down next to him) You just, you gotta try harder...Wait, Michael, something feels wet.

Kelso: (A smile spreads across his face as he thinks to himself) Dear Penthouse...

Jackie: No, no, you popped the waterbed!

(She jumps up.)

Kelso: It must've been my roach clip. Jackie, maybe they won't notice.

Jackie: I am in love with a Doofus.

(Fatso Burger: Donna walks in.)

Donna: Hey.

Eric: Donna. Oh, welcome to Fatso Burger- aw, screw it. What are you doing here?

Donna: Ah, I was bored.

Eric: Really? You left your own party to come see me?

Donna: It's not much of a party without you there.

(There’s a short, awkward pause.)

Eric: You're so queer.

Donna: Shut up! Um, Eric the whole reason I told you my parents were going away is so we could hang, together, you know, alone.

Eric: I know. It's just, uh...

Donna: So, um...

Eric: Look Donna, I'm sorry. Ok, I would love to come over, but this is my job and uh, work isn't fun, you know. It's work. And only quitters quit.

Donna: Well as long as you know it's important. I'll see you around.

(She leaves)

(The Pinciottis' Yard: Hyde finishes his beer, crushes the can and throws it to the garbage can.)

Fez: (Trying to do the same, hurts his hand) Ay!

Hyde: Well, what do you know Kelso, we're out of beer. You know what, Forman's old man's got a fridge in the garage and I know he's got beer in it.

(Cut to the Forman’s living room again. Red jumps up again as if he heard.)

(The Formans' Garage: The guys are sneaking in and getting beer from the refrigerator. Red turns on the car headlights and they all scream.)

Kelso: (Points at Fez) It's his idea!

Fez: Remind me to kick your ass.

Hyde: Uh, hey Red, um, uh, is Forman around?

Red: Well he sure as hell's not in that fridge.

Eric: Mr. Pinciotti! You're home...that's good.

Bob: Eh, came back early. Eh, missed the kids too much. What are you doing here?

Eric: Oh, uh, I was just coming home from work and I noticed that someone left your porch light on.

Bob: Can't even see that from your house. Good eye.

Eric: Thank you.

Bob: You know Eric, that's what I like about you. I ask you to look out for Donna and here you are, in the middle of the night, hanging around the back door, doing your job. You're a good guy Eric, I don't care what they say about you. (Eric looks confused.) Ha! Gotcha! Good night now.

Eric: Ok well I was just gonna-

Bob: Yeah, there you go.

(He goes inside and shuts the light off)

Eric: Ok...Good night then.

(He starts to walk off.)

Donna: (From inside) Good night Eric. (Eric turns, smiles, then goes back to his house)

(The Formans' Living Room: Red and Kitty are reading magazines. Eric walks in.)

Eric: Dad.

Red: Eric.

Eric: Dad, I'm quitting my job.

Red: You're quitting?

Eric: Yeah, I'm quitting. I'm irresponsible, I'm a quitter and I couldn't kill a cow with a hammer. So what do you day to that?

Red: Well everyone quits their first job. It's no big deal.

Eric: What? That's it? I gotta say Dad, I'm a little disappointed here.

Red: But it wasn't a man's job anyway.

Kitty: Red.

Red: Well come on Kitty, it was a hair net, name tag, nothing kind of a job.

Eric: Now that's more like it.

Red: Just as well. It was cutting into your chores anyway. You did a half ass job sweeping the driveway.

Kitty: (Slightly offended, remember she swept the driveway.) I thought he did a wonderful job.

Red: Didn't look wonderful to me.

Kitty: (Jumps up and throws her magazine down) Ok then. Sweep it yourself!

(She leaves the room)