I do NOT own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show “That 70’s Show”. They were created by Bonnie Turner, Terry Turner, and Mark Brazill and belong to them, Carsey-Werner and the FOX televison network.

This is not a novelization or a script. It is a straightforward and direct transcript of the episode “The Keg”. It also includes descriptions of the settings, action scenes and camera movements where I felt they were needed.

I made every effort to accurately transcribe the dialogue from this episode. If you notice anything that is transcribed incorrectly, please let me know and I will post an update.

©1999 Kandigurl

Point Place, Wisconsin Friday Afternoon, 1976 1:15 PM Point Place High School

(Classroom: Donna is at her desk and Eric walks in and sits in front of her.)

Donna: Will this day ever end?

Eric: Yesterday did, but today's Friday so...no.

(In the background we see a couple of jock types harassing another kid.)

Eric: (gesturing towards them) Oh, God, it's Destroy and Give-Back.

Donna: Yeah, why do they call them that?

Eric: You're about to find out. (Holds up his pencil)

Destroy: (Walks up to Eric) Hey Foreplay. (Takes his pencil, breaks it in half and give its to Give-Back) Ohhh.

Give-Back: (Handing the pencil back to Eric) I believe this is yours. (They both laugh) You broke his pencil, that was great!

Destroy: (They laugh again) And you gave it back!

(They continue to laugh.)

Mr. Pidwell: (Entering) All right, enough horseplay, pipe down. (They sit down, still laughing) I says pipe down! Now I've got an announcement before Study Hall.

(Donna passes a note to Eric that say's "Let's ditch Study Hall.")

Mr. Pidwell: Whoever burned their initials in the football field, I hope your happy with yourself, punk.

(Eric passes the note back, added at the bottom is, "No way.")

Mr. Pidwell: There will be no football practice today until we've re-seeded.

(Donna passes the note back, added to the bottom is, "You're a wimp.")

Mr. Pidwell: And I've watched that team, I'm not impressed by, let me tell you.

(written back to Donna, "What?")

Mr. Pidwell: They need all the practice they can get.

(written back to Eric, "You heard me!")

Mr. Pidwell: On a happier note, (Eric writes "bitch" on the note) Eric? (Walks over to Eric and Donna) Donna? Do you have something to do?

Eric: Actually, we need to be excused. Donna and I are taking pictures for the yearbook.

(Donna nods in agreement)

Mr. Pidwell: If you say so Eric. (They get up and head towards the door) You wouldn't lie.

(They both turn around)

Eric: Well, I might. (Mr. Pidwell starts to laugh and is joined by the whole class. Eric and Donna turn around and walk out)

(We see the front seat of the Vista Cruiser. Eric is driving, Donna is in the passenger seat.)

Donna: This is great, Eric Foreman skips class.

Eric: Yeah, well, danger is my middle name.

(Hyde appears from the back seat and puts on his glasses, he's been sleeping)

Hyde: Why are we moving?

(Kelso also sits up from the back seat, also waking up)

Donna: Hyde?

Kelso: (still half asleep) Mommy...

Eric: What are you guys doing in here?

Hyde: What are you guys doing in here?

Eric: (proud of himself) I cut class.

Hyde: (disbelieving) Yeah right, so what was there like a fire drill or something?

(Kelso and Hyde organize themselves into sitting positions)

Eric: No, look, I do bad things. (this is greeted by laughter from everyone else) I've ditched class before.

Kelso: Oh, (ruffling Eric's hair) is Opie (pronounced Oh-pee!) getting angry?!

Eric: Look, what did I tell you about calling me Opie?!

Donna: Opie, look out for that keg in the middle of the road.

(Eric turns the Vista Cruiser into a slide. When they come to a stop they all peer out the windows of the car at a keg, which is illuminated by bright light. They all look at it with varying expressions of amazement and happiness)

Donna: Wow...

Eric: It... is a keg...

Kelso: Of beer.

Hyde: It must be a sign.

Kelso: Of beer.

Eric: Oh, that’s it, I'm cuttin' class every day.

(they all continue to stare at the goldmine they discovered in the middle of the road)

(That 70’s Show Theme Song plays)

(Foreman's Basement: Hyde and Kelso carry the keg in, where Eric, Donna and Fez are waiting.)

Fez: (amazed) Where did you find it?!

Hyde: We were driving down the road, man, and there she was!

(they put the keg down)

Fez: Oh, it was a beer in the headlights! (laughs) That is my first American joke!

Eric: Wow! How often do you find a mysterious keg of free beer?

Kelso: Only once in a while!

Hyde: You are right Foreman man, you are absolutely right. When god gives you a keg, you gotta-

Fez: (interupting) Kill a virgin!

Eric: No. (smiles) Throw a party.

Donna: Wow, go for it Eric.

Eric: Yeah, we'll throw a party, charge two bucks a head.

Kelso: (quickly in monotone) Two bucks a head. A keg is equivalent to seven cases, that’s 168 beers, if we each drink three beers a piece-

Hyde: No way, sophomore's gonna drink one, maybe.

Kelso: True.

Hyde: Yeah, and the freshman, he's gonna drink a half.

Kelso: So that averages out to one point five beers per person, which means we can invite 112 people, and that’s 224 bucks.

Hyde: Cash.

Kelso: Which is-

Kelso and Hyde: (look at each other and finally smile) Decent!

Eric: Okay, grab some ice out of the deep freeze, I'll grab the tub.

(goes in the back and the others turn to the keg)

Fez: Ohhhh, that is one sweet mama.

Kelso: Yeeaaahhhh.

Kitty: (coming down the stairs) Hey gang! (they quickly pull the curtain to hide the keg) Oh, oh don't mind me, just came down to do an emergency presoak on my nurses uniform. (laughs) You remember Mr Wilbur the fireman? Well, he came in today with a sebaceous cyst, which is a, um, (we see that Donna, then Hyde, then Kelso aren't too happy about hearing this little description) a pocket of fluid, that's kind of like a pussy bath oil bead on his skin. And you think it's solid, but if you take an instrument and you pierce the core, (we see that Fez has a big smile on his face) and then you, you, you apply pressure with your thumb, (Eric walks in with the tub and Kitty sees him) well, hi Snigglefrits, what are you doing with the tub?

Eric: Oh, the tub. (looks to the other guys for help) We were just, working on a class project.

Hyde: (lifting the ice into the tub) We're making a volcano. (to Eric) Snigglefrits!

Kitty: Out of ice? Well, I think it might melt!

(laughs again)

Eric: You heard her, let's move it gang!

Kitty: Okay, well, have fun.

(she goes back up the stairs)

Eric: Guys, we've gotta get the keg outta here.

Donna: Well, where are we having the party?

Kelso: Beats me. (starts to leave) Hey if you guys need me I'll be with Jackie over at our secret make out place.

Donna: (turns to Eric) Secret make out place...

Kelso: (turns back) It's this vacant house over on Sherman, I mean this place is great, it's totally private, and you can get away with about anything there. (turns to go again) So if you guys find a place for that keg, let me know. (goes out the back door)

(They all stand where they are, Donna looking at her watch, counting the seconds)

Kelso: (excitedly bursting back through the door) I got an idea!

(none of them look surprised)

(Forman's Lounge: Bob and Midge are on the couch, and Red is on a chair.)

Bob: (motioning to the TV) That's a Sylvania isn't it Red? You didn't buy that from my store did ya?

Red: (serious) No Bob, I uh, got a good deal on it.

(remains serious for a couple of seconds then starts laughing)

Bob: (feigning laughter) You got me. You got me Red.

Red: Yeah.

Kitty: (entering with a tray of food) Well I am just so excited, "Rich Man, Poor Man", I missed the first episode.

Midge: Here's the irony of the show Kitty, the rich safe guy is boring, it's the poor rugged one, played by the very talented Nick Nolte who is so exciting!!

Kitty: Well super. Now who would like a drink?

Bob: Oohhhhh, let's do Daquiri's uh?

(Midge gets very excited)

Kitty: Oohhhh, oooohhh, I don't know if we have enough ice, Eric took a whole tub full.

Red: He took a tub of ice?

Kitty: Oh, the kids are making a volcano! (laughs)

Midge: (nodding in agreement) Right, that’s why Donna left with all the plastic cups.

Red: Plastic cups?

Midge: Sure, plastic volcano cups.

Bob: (smiling) If I didn't know better, I'd say they were having a kegger! (Red gives him a look, and he catches on) Oh geeze... (he and Red get up)

Red: Let's go Bob.

(they walk out the door)

Midge: Oh Rich Man, Poor Man, I love it. I just hope I don't get too emotional.

Kitty: Ohhhh, so do I. (laughs)

(Red's Car: Red and Bob are in the front seat of Red's car.)

Bob: Those kids could be anywhere. Needle in a haystack.

Red: Look, they left the house in a wood paneled ocean liner, we should be able to find 'em.

Bob: Yep, it's a real asphalt jungle, the sun goes down, the rats come out. (turns to Red) I lost my mailbox last year. You know what it is? The evil spilling over from Shaboigen. Oh, how many stories do you suppose there are in this naked berg? (I think this is what he said but I'm not sure)

Red: Eight Bob. (they turn to each other) There are eight.

(The Abandoned House's Empty Pool: Kelso is holding Jackie around the waist, kissing her neck.)

Jackie: Michael, this is our secret make out place. I did not swipe the key from my mother’s real estate office so that you could have a party.

(We now see that they are inside the in-ground pool. Kelso is holding Jackie totally off the ground and Hyde, Donna and Eric are standing behind them watching them. The keg is in the tub between them)

Kelso: I know, it's like a bonus. I'm doing it for you baby.

Jackie: Oh, okay.

(Kelso raises his fist in victory, never leaving Jackie's neck. Hyde, Donna and Eric celebrate)

Donna: Empty pool, empty house, full keg... (she looks at Eric) You sure know how to show a girl a good time.

Eric: Yeah well, I don't color outside the lines often, but when I do, jump back !

(We see that Fez is sitting on the edge of the pool, Kelso is still attached to Jackie's neck)

Hyde: (yelling at Fez) I don't care when you ate Fez, get in the pool now!

Fez: (pointing at Hyde) If I get a cramp, it will be on your head. (he starts to climb in)

(Jackie extracts herself from Kelso and walks to the keg)

Jackie: Okay, hurry up and drink your keg.

Hyde: (turning to her in amazement) Hurry up and drink a keg?

(she shrugs)

Kelso: Jackie, would you just mellow out, I mean, we got a keg, and soon everybody’s gonna be here.

Jackie: Everybody?

Eric: (quickly) Everybody, who matters. And for the first time Jackie, that includes you.

(they all give her a group hug)

Jackie: (trying to get out) No, get away from me. Huh. (she walks away)

Hyde: You heard her, lets drink beer.

Kelso: Me first.

Donna: No way, I spotted it.

Kelso: Naaaa, I saw it too, I just didn't say anything.

Hyde: (pointing at him) You saw a keg and you didn't say anything?! Back of the line.

Eric: (pushing Kelso out of the way) Alright, how do you get the beer out?

Hyde: Through the tap.

(They all look at the keg and realize there’s no tap)

Eric: What tap?

Hyde: (screaming) Nnnnnooooooo!!!!

(crouches and holds onto the keg)

(The Abandoned House's Empty Pool: The scene begins exactly where the previous one ended, with Hyde holding onto the keg.)

Hyde: (standing) Okay, we really need a tap here.

Kelso: (reaching into his pocket) I got my Swiss Army Knife.

Hyde: Oh great, we can whittle the beer out.

Donna: Alright, look, they sell taps at the liquor store.

Hyde: Yeah, and who's got the money to buy it, huh?

(They all look around at Jackie)

Jackie: Why would I bring money to our secret make out place Michael?

Eric: (taking money out of his pocket) Okay, I've got my gas money.

Donna: (interrupting) No, Eric, we're not going to take your gas money.

Eric: Hey, it doesn't matter, by the end of the night we'll have made over two hundred dollars.

Kelso: Yeah.

Jackie: Michael? Michael, how are we going to make over two hundred dollars?

Kelso: (to Jackie with a straight face) I don't know.

(turns to Eric with a big grin)

Eric: (holding up the money) Hey, who's buying the tap?

Kelso: (takes the money) You buy the fly. (climbs the ladder out of the pool and disappears)

Jackie: (calling after him) No Michael, you are- Michael, come back here! Michael, I am talking to you! Michael?

(Two guys climb into the pool)

Fez: Welcome to the pool, I am your host Fez. (holding out his hand) Two dollars please. (he takes their money)

Jackie: What is going on?

Eric: I didn't want to tell you before Jackie, but we've taken it upon ourselves to help your mom show off the house, at two bucks a head.

(Donna and Hyde have climbed out of the pool and sit on the edge)

Hyde: (to Donna) He's lying to Jackie, man. I lie to Jackie. (Donna just shakes her head) You know it seems to me that the scrawny little neighbor boy is willing to engage in criminal acts for that saucy redhead next door.

Donna: Shut up, how do know he isn't doing it to impress his friends? You know, peer pressure.

Hyde: Because his friends aren't saucy.

Donna: Kelso's saucy.

Hyde: Kelso? Please. I'm saucier than Kelso.

(Red's Car: Red and Bob are still looking for the party.)

Bob: (singing to the music. Badly) And then the door just opened wide, and my daddy stepped inside, and he kissed my momma's face, and he brushed her tears away, the night Chicago died...

Red: Will you turn that damn thing off?! (Bob turns the radio down) Keep your eyes peeled for the Vista Cruiser.

Bob: Okie dokie. (breaks into song again) Na na na na na na na na... (he see's the look Red's giving him and stops) Sorry. Scene breaky thing.

(Liquor Store: The liquor store guy is behind the counter, and Kelso is holding up a beer glass.)

Kelso: (in fake deep voice) Hey, I see you got some new steins here! (the liquor store guy just nods. He fake walks to the counter and holds out his hand, which the liquor store guy shakes) Hi, I'm twenty five. I know I look young, (rubs his face) but uh, my dad asked me to come down here and pick up a tap for his keg, and uh, he's forty three, so we're both legal, no problem there. Uh, I'm not going to be drinking the beer or anything, cos I don't believe in it, but no offense to you, I think selling liquor's a great thing-

Liquor Store Guy: (reaches under the counter for a tap and interrupts Kelso's little spiel) Yeah, here you go.

Kelso: Yeah. Cos I'm twenty five right?

Liquor Store Guy: Cos you got money.

Kelso: Yeah, but, but I am twenty five.

Liquor Store Guy: Don't need to be, you can't drink a tap.

Kelso: Yeah, but I can prove it to you, (motioning outside with the tap) I got my ID's out in my wallet-

Liquor Store Guy: Oh, happens all the time, take care.

Kelso: Yeah but I-

Liquor Store Guy: Leave, now. (takes the money off the counter)

Kelso: Yeah. (leaves)

(Outside Liquor Store: Destroy and Give-Back are attacking a phone booth.)

Destroy: (stops Kelso when he tries to walk past) Ohhh, Kelsmo. (points at the tap) What you got there?

Kelso: That was, that was really funny what you did with my name, Kelsmo...

(he tries to get past, but they stop him again)

Destroy: (takes the tap out of Kelso's hand and breaks it) Ohhhh ohhhh.

Give-Back: (hands the broken tap back to Kelso) I believe this is yours. Huh huh huh huh... (to Destroy) You broke his thing!

Destroy: Huh huh huh... And, you gave it back!

Give-Back: That was great! Huh huh huh huh...

(they both run off leaving Kelso standing there with a piece of the tap in each hand)

(Foreman's Lounge: Kitty and Midge are still sitting on the couch.)

Midge: So you see what I'm saying about the poor man?

Kitty: Yes, you have made your point, many times.

Midge: He's a bad boy, he's had some rough breaks, (she starts to cry) but he isn't bad in his soul. (cries harder)

Kitty: Okay, okay enough Daiquiris for you.

(puts Midge's drink on the table)

Midge: (calming down a bit) Kitty, what do you look for in a man?

Kitty: Oh well, (holds up hand to show ring) I'm married. I'm kinda through looking.

Midge: You, you can always look, it helps you to, to fantasize, like some nights I'm, I'm doing the news with Walter Cronkite.

Kitty: Okay, um, I'm just, you know, I'm, I'm going to finish your Daiquiri. (picks up her drink and takes a long swig)

(The Abandoned House's Empty Pool: Kelso has just given Donna the broken tap, we can see there are more people there in the background.)

Donna: It's broken.

Kelso: I got duct tape. (holds up a huge roll of duct tape)

Hyde: Duct tape? Do you know how much pressure runs through that tap?

Kelso: I got a whole roll of duct tape!

Hyde: I can't work like this. (gets up and walks over to Eric) Foreman, you have to get your dad's tap now!

Eric: (very unconvincingly) My dad doesn't have a tap.

Hyde: Red's got Bicentennial swizzle sticks, he's got fake lemons with real lemon juice, he's got toothpicks shaped like swords, Red Foreman is a cocktail dad. And cocktail dads have beer taps.

Kelso: Come on Eric, we never ask you for anything.

Eric: Hey, you guys ask me for everything!

Kelso: So what's one more thing?

Eric: No, forget it, I've done enough today already, so count me out.

(Destroy and Give-Back appear from behind them and pull Kelso away)

Destroy: Hey, Kelsmo, what, your tap is broken? So why'd you do something stupid like buy a stupid broken tap? What are you, stupid?

Kelso: It wasn't broken, until you broke it.

Destroy: (realizes) Oh, man.

Give-Back: (comforting him) Don't beat yourself up, you had no way of knowing. Anyway, we gave it back.

Eric: (overhearing) Yeah, broken!

Give-Back: Hey, lay off him alright, he feels bad enough already. Eric: Oh he should, because he's a moron.

Give-Back: (turning around to face Eric)What did you say?!

Eric: I said that you're both morons. (getting angry) What are you gonna do? Are you gonna beat me up? What, you weigh four hundred pounds together, it doesn't matter, the fact is that the tap is broken and it's your fault. Morons!

Destroy: (moving past Give-Back right up to Eric) You, are so rude.

Give-Back: Give us our four bucks back.

Eric: Okay, Fez? (takes some money out of the bucket, holds it up, and then tears it in half) Familiar?

(he gives them each half. They turn and leave)

Donna: Wow Eric, you just tore their money!

Eric: Yeah!

Donna: And then you gave it back!

Eric: I know!

Donna: That was great!

Eric: That was awesome! But enough of this levity wench! (very dramatically he runs across the pool and jumps up onto the ladder, and points to the sky) We came here to have a party, and as god as my witness, there will be a party!

(the people raise their fists in the air and applaud)

(Liquor Store: Red is questioning the Liquor Store Guy, and Bob is perusing the shelves.)

Red: You had any kids in tonight trying to buy beer?

Liquor Store Guy: Some young guy did come in for a tap.

Red: Young guy huh?

Bob: Oh look, (holds up a can) you get Pina Colada in a can!

Red: Bob, we're doing something here.

Bob: Oh right.

Kid: (coming around the shelves from behind Red) You know, I mighta heard something about a (makes quotation marks with his fingers) party, can't recall, maybe… (rubs his thumb and index finger together to imply money) Andrew Jackson could remind me.

Bob: (taking out some bills) Andrew Jackson huh? (flicks though them) He's not in. But Abe Lincoln's hanging out with the Washington twins. Would they have any knowledge of the festivities? (holds up the money)

Red: (grabbing the money) So, a real wisenheimer huh, well let's see how smart you are when I snap off your head!

Kid: (cracking) Okay!! Okay man. They said something about a vacant house on Sherman.

Bob: I know that place. (nodding) It's the vacant house on Sherman.

Red: Good work, Starsky. Let's uh, roll.

(The Abandoned House's Empty Pool: The party is warming up, there's music and dancing, but still no beer.)b (A light inside the house turns on and Jackie comes running in front of the house towards the pool)

Jackie: Everybody in the deep end, my mother is showing the house.

Donna: Now?

Jackie: People work! (she climbs down the ladder)

Donna: Alright, quiet down everybody. (The music stops and people shut up, then Jackie's Mother walks along the path above the pool, followed by the couple who are looking at the house.)

Jackie's Mother: The deck is new and this lovely tile walkway leads directly to the pool- (she sees all the people in the pool looking up at her) which is (improvising) filled with some of the local kids, heavily Caucasian. It's a nice neighborhood.

(Forman's Kitchen: Kitty is cooking popcorn and smoking, Midge is beside her.)

Midge: Sometimes Bob pretends he's poor, I call him Buster. (she laughs) He knocks on the door, and I answer in my teddy, (Kitty takes a big drink from her glass) and he says "Does the rich lady need any help around the house", and I say "I know something that needs attending to in the bedroom!" (Kitty takes a long drag from her cigarette) ???????? (something I can't make out) but it ends in whoopee!! (she laughs again)

Kitty: (puffing on her cigarette and shaking the popcorn even harder) You know, this is as much fun to make, as it is to eat. You know, speaking of which, how do you get Bob to play those games?

Midge: I have a rewards system.

Kitty: Huh, you know sometimes Red would wear a sailors uniform.

Midge: Really?

Kitty: Yeah, but he was in the navy... (Midge spits her drink all over Kitty)

Midge: Oh, Kitty!! (they both laugh)

(Forman's Lounge: Eric pops up from behind the bar with the beer tap. He walks across the lounge and is about to go through the door into the kitchen when Kitty and Midge walk through it from the kitchen, so he ducks behind it. They don't see him.)

Midge: Does he still have his sailors uniform?

Kitty: Oh, no...

(As they both stumble their way towards the couch, Eric goes out the door into the kitchen.)

Kitty: (falling onto the couch on top of Midge) He just has the hat!

(The Abandoned House's Empty Pool: Eric appears at the top of the pool. He takes the hose and throws one end into the pool, then uses the hose to jump suavely down the six feet depth. When he gets to the bottom he holds the tap up in victory and starts to turn...)

Eric: I stole my dad's tap- (he see's that the only people there are Hyde, Donna, Kelso, Fez, Red, Bob, and two cops. He has to think quickly) …back from those thieves. (they don't look like they believe him. Time Lapse. The scene is still in the pool. Red is on one side of the keg talking to Eric, and Bob is on the other side talking to Donna. We skip back and forth between their conversations.)

Bob: (to Donna) We were worried sick.

Red: (to Eric) You had us driving all over town.

Bob: We missed Rich Man, Poor Man.

(Kelso and Hyde appear between Bob and Red and start to pick up the keg)

Hyde: Excuse us Red.

Red: (turns around) What are you doing?

Kelso: We're just gonna grab this-

Red: Get out of here. (they put it down and start to climb out of the pool. Red turns back to Eric) We're not finished with this.

Bob: (to Donna) Neither are we.

Red: (points at Donna) Now you take her home, and you wait for me. That's an order.

Bob: Ditto. (Donna starts to walk past him) Come here. (she turns around and walks back) I can't stay mad at you with that cute face! (he pinches her cheeks and then gives her a hug. Eric sees this and moves to give Red a hug but he just looks away)

Red: Get your ugly butt home.

(Eric turns and heads toward the ladder)

(Foreman's Driveway: Eric and Donna are sitting on the hood of the Vista Cruiser.)

Eric: My dad's gonna kill me.

Donna: You're always saying that.

Eric: Yeah, well this time, he's gonna kill me. I mean, I cut class, I trespassed, I had stolen beer, and then I swung into a pool full of cops on a garden hose carrying my dad's tap!

Donna: Yeah, that was so cool.

Eric: Really?

Donna: Really. (they slowly move towards each other and kiss for a second) You looked dangerous.

Eric: Did I uh, mention that I killed a guy in algebra?

Donna: (gets off the car) Goodnight, killer. (she walks towards her house)

Eric: (calmly) Bring it on, Red.

(Back at The Abandoned House's Empty Pool: Red and Bob are standing there with cups in their hands.)

Red: (a little drunk) I love, I love that boy.

Bob: Eric's a good kid.

Red: That Donna's real sweet too.

Cop: (also with a cup of beer in his hand) Man, that Donna's real hot!

Bob: Hey, that's my daughter.

Cop: I'm just saying that-

Bob: You, you don't think I know what you're saying. (Red gets in front of Bob and tries to calm him down)

Red: All right Bob, it's time to go. We'll just uh, (bends down to pick up the keg) take-

Cop: Hey hey hey, get outta here!

Red: All right. (he pulls his tap out of the keg and holds it up in front of the cop) Fine! (Red and Bob turn and walk towards the ladder. When they get there they look up to the top, then turn and walk towards the other end of the pool.)