I do NOT own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show “That 70’s Show”. They were created by Bonnie Turner, Terry Turner, and Mark Brazill and belong to them, Carsey-Werner and the FOX televison network.

This is not a novelization or a script. It is a straightforward and direct transcript of the episode “Streaking”. It also includes descriptions of the settings, action scenes and camera movements where I felt they were needed.

I made every effort to accurately transcribe the dialogue from this episode. If you notice anything that is transcribed incorrectly, please let me know and I will post an update.

©1999 Kandigurl

(The Formans basement: Hyde and Fez stand in a doorway each, Kelso's timing them)

Kelso: Push! Push! Come on, you gotta push it?

Hyde: How much longer?

Kelso: Ten seconds. You gotta push harder, it's not gonna work.

Hyde: This is so stupid.

Kelso: It's not stupid, you're gonna love it.

Hyde: I'm not not gonna love it.

Kelso: Ok, that's time. Step away from the door.

(Hyde and Fez take a step forward and their arms lift. I've tried this trick, it's way cool.)

Fez + Hyde: Ohhhh!

Fez: Kelso, you're a genious!

Kelso: Yeah, well, it's magic.

(Eric comes downstairs)

Jackie: Oh my god, I'm so dehydrated.

Eric: Oh here, Piggly-Wiggly Diet Cream Soda.

Jackie: I told you my top three choices were Tab, Fresca or Diet Rite.

Eric: again, you get Piggly-Wiggly Diet Cream Soda.

Jackie: Then I'll just have water.

Donna: You know, there's a hose in the back yard.

Kelso: I've noticed that the pop-selection has really went downhill since your dad got laid off.

Eric: He's not laid off. He's just part time. And shut up!

(Kitty comes downstairs)

Kitty: Kids, kids, kids, kids, kids, kids, kids , kids, the President is coming!

Eric: What president?

Kitty: The President of these United States: Gerald R. Ford. The 36th.....8th...40th...I don't know, he's the President!

Eric: Why would Ford come to Point Place?

Jackie: Because we are a whistle stop along his Wisconsin-campaign trail. My dad organized it!

Kitty: Dear, the next time you know a president is coming to town, please give me a little more notice. I need to vaccume. Eric, you tidy up this basement. A pie, I gotta make a pie! (she runs back upstairs)

Eric: Wow, the President is coming.

Kelso: You know what we should do? That door-thing again!

(The Formans kitchen: Red, Kitty and Eric are eating)

Red: So, how's the car?

Eric: Real good.

Red: By real good you mean you've rotated those tires like I asked you to?

Eric: Dad, don't they rotate every time I drive?

Red: You're being a smartmouth?

Eric: Yes, I'm sorry.

Red: Tuna caserole again?

Kitty: Well OK, how about we don't pay the car insurance and we'll all have steak. (laughs) Well, just imagine. President Ford is coming here. Ah Red, we need to get rid of the oilstains in the driveway.

Red: It's not like he's coming to our house and if he did, I'd kick him in the keister.

Kitty: Oh stop it, how can you say that? You voted for Gerald Ford.

Red: Kitty...No one voted for Gerald Ford.

Kitty: But he still is our President.

Red: Oh the boy's old enough to hear that kind of talk. Eric, say that your job was sent to a plant in Guatela-who-the-hell-cares. Now, are you gonna vote for the guy that let that happen?

Kitty: Red, President Ford didn't take your job, he took Nixon's.

Red: Eric, we're waiting.

Eric: Ah well...I believe that everyones political opinon is valid and worth hearing.

Red: Well that's perfect, Eric. Use that line when you run for Miss America.

(An in-school assembly. The gang is leaning against the back wall.)

Teacher: Settle down and we'll start the assembly. Now, concerning the can gods drive. Motoroil is ot a food. I'm sorry, it's not and all your booing isn't gonna make it one. Now, as you all know, President Ford will be visiting our fair city. And I know there're some of you --- out there that might be planning some sort of quote unquote social statement type protest.

Hyde: I can't believe this. Who cares if Ford is coming?

Eric: Well, it's better than when the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile drove through.

Donna: They didn't even stop. The just threw out a bunch of hot dog whistles at us.

Hyde: Two girls in a phallic RV, driving around handing out things you blow. What a great country!

Teacher: So let me tell you another thing, Mr. or Mrs. Punk. Protesting accomplishes nothing. (a light bulb turns on over Hyde...) Oh sure, you might see a chance to prove your manhood or show you're cool. (...another light bulb turns on over Eric...) But this is our President. Our President, darn it! So no shenanigans, you hear me! (...and another over Kelso...) If that's your kind of attitude, you might just as well go home right now. (...an EXIT-sign turns on over Fez. He smiles and leaves.)

(The Burkhardts livingroom. Mr. Burkhardt, Mr. Pinsciotti and a few other men are conducting a meeting.)

Mr. Burkhardt: President Ford should be arriving at noon.

(Kelso and Jackie come in.)

Kelso: Oh man, deviled eggs. Are these for anybody?

Jackie: Hi daddy, hi Mr. Pinciotti.

Mr. Burkhardt: Hi kitten. Now look, we're talking about adult stuff here. Why don't you and your friend head up to your room?

(Jackie and Kelso look at each other, each with the same look that says, "Quick, before he realizes what he just said!" They run upstairs.)

Mr. Burkhardt: The most important part of our presidential rally is the town's people Q and A section.

Bob: Eh, just so everyone's clear: the Q stands for question and A for answer. All yours Jeb.

Mr. Burkhardt: This is when normal folks step up to the microphone and ask the President questions. Now the important thing is to choose the right person. A working-class guy, your average Joe. I guess someone you and I would call a loser.

(a lamp turns on over Bob.)

(The Formans driveway: Red, Bob and Kitty.)

Bob: So of course I thought of you. We'd like you to ask President Ford a question. So what do you say to that?

Red: I say no thank you. And I want my crescent wrench back.

Kitty: I'll do it.

Bob: No, no. You keep working on your pies. (Kitty leaves, snapping her hedge clippers as she goes.) Just imagine Red; you, the little guy, get to have your opinions heard by the most powerful man in America. Take advantage of this opportunity.

(a lamp turns on over Red.)

Red: Turn that light off!

Eric: (from inside) Sorry! (he turns the light back off.)

(The Forman's basement. The guys are standing around discussing the President's visit.)

Hyde: Look guys, we gotta do something that says we will not pay homage to a corrupt electorial system.

Fez: I know; a bloody kuh!

Hyde: That's good, but we're looking for something great. Something that would make our founding fathers proud, man. You know?

Kelso: Let's streak!

Hyde: Bingo!

Kelso: I've always wanted to do that: just run buck naked through a sea of people. Be free and shake it around. All right, who's in?

Fez: Will people be chasing us with torches and pointy sticks?

Kelso: No!

Fez: Then I am in!

Kelso: Great! Eric, are you in?

Eric: Ok, streaking, I'm.....Don't get me wrong, I'm completely pro-nudity. But I think my dad might kill me and I'm anti-being killed.

Hyde: Hey, if there wasn't some huge downside to doing something this stupid, it wouldn't be worth doing, you know.

Donna: Good point.

Hyde: Oh, oh, and I could write some really great slogan like "I hate the fuzz" on my ass.

Fez: If you hate the fuzz on your ass, why don't you just shave it off?

(The Pinciottis kitchen: Bob is wearing a red and white striped jumpsuit. Donna and Midge are watching him.)

Bob: Pretty snazzy, eh?

Donna: Looking good, dad.

Bob: I've got one for you too.

Midge: We're gonna wear them to meet the President.

Donna: No! No way!

Bob: Honey, you're missing the big picture. Let me go get the other jumpsuits, you'll see. (he goes out of the room to get them)

Donna: Mom, why are you doing this?

Mideg: Honey, there are a lot of things I do to make your father happy that I don't really like.

Donna: Mom! Ewww!

Midge: No, not that! I love that! I meant like fishing. (Bob comes back with two jumpsuits, another like his and one that's blue with white stars.)

Bob: See? When we stand together we're the American flag.

Donna: I'm not wearing a striped jumpsuit.

Bob: No honey, you're the field of blue.

Donna: Bye now. (she leaves.)

Bob: But Donna, you're part of the family. Oh my, this hurts. (the phone rings, he answers.) Hello!

(The screen splits and Red shows up on the other side.)

Red: Good news, Bob. I've been thinking about it and I've decided I will ask Ford a question.

Bob: Oh jeez, Red, this is good news. And I could sure use it right now.

Red: Yeah, well....glad I could help. (he hangs up.)

(The shot switches to the Forman's kitchen.)

Red: Oh, I'm gonna ask him a question all right. And it's gonna be a damn good one.

Kitty: (Uneasily) Red...

Red: Now, don't worry. I'm simply gonna ask him how the hell he's gonna fix this economy. (he leaves the room.)

Kitty: Oh honey, he wouldn't know that, he's the President.

(The school cafeteria: Eric and Donna are eating, Fez comes over.)

Fez: All this food for forty-five cents. It is unbelievable! (he tastes the food.) Oh, I see...

(Hyde and Kelso come over.)

Hyde: So, Forman, the rally is tonight, man. What's your decision?

Kelso: Yeah, are you gonna streak or not?

Donna: Don't pressure him.

Eric: No, I've been doing some thinking, and I'm in.

Hyde: All right!

Donna: Well, you're gonna look like a bunch of idiots.

Kelso: A bunch of naked idiots.

Eric: Thanks Kelso. Look, we must keep this quiet. It can't go beyond this table. If my father finds out what we've planned, he will nail me to the wall.

(He spreads his arms out over the table, palms up. The gang all leans in. Jackie comes over.)

Jackie: Why are you all sitting on one side of the table, huh?

(the scene morphs into a picture of "Last Supper" with the gang as the disciples.)

(The Formans kitchen: Kitty is baking, Red's writing.)

Kitty: Ok, now make way for my presidential pies. (She sets the pies down in front of Red, who continues to write.) See, cherry, mockapple and blueberry. See that's red, white and blue. It's like the beginning of "Love American Style" in pie! Look. Look it. See, honey? You're not looking!

Red: Yeah, pie.

(Eric enters and hands Red a piece of paper.)

Eric: Hey dad, Mr. Pinsciotti wanted me to give you this.

Red: What is it?

Eric: That's you're question for President Ford.

Red: But I'm working on my question for President Ford.

Eric: Right, well this is the one the committee made up for you.

Red: "What has been your favorite parade"? This is asinine!

Kitty: Macy's.

Eric: Oh, no contest. Hey dad, can I borrow your trenchcoat?

Red: I can ask the President any damn thing I want. It's my right. I'm not gonna be a puppet for Bob's committee.

Eric: I'll take really good care of it, and I'll bring it back as soon as I possibly can.

Kitty: Honey, just take the coat and leave.

Red: No, Eric, a man has to stand up and be heard. I will not sit quietly by while everything is taken away from me. They took my job, my stability....Now they wanna take away my right to free speech.

Kitty: You still have the Toyota, it gets great mileage.

Red: Where's the America I knew as a boy? Where? You tell me, dear God. Where?

(there are a few moments of silence.)

Eric: Ok, I really hate being in this room right now. (he leaves.)

(The Forman's driveway. The gang is standing around, the guys wearing trenchcoats.)

Hyde: Ok, when the President starts his speech here, I'll blow my Oscar Mayer whistle and we go!

Eric: Hey, did you write "I hate the fuzz" on your ass?

Hyde: Yeah. Donna, here's your lipstick back.

Donna: Keep it.

Eric: You've got the masks?

Hyde: Yeah, I've got three Snoopys and one Nixon.

Kelso, Hyde, Fez: Not it!

Eric: Damn. Fez, how did you know how to do that?

Fez: My country invented "not it".

Kelso: So can we go already? I'm itching to let loose the hound here.

(Kitty approaches them.)

Kitty: Oh well now, look at you guys. What is it with you young peolpe and Columbo?

Eric: Bye.

(they leave.)

Kitty: Bye. Aren't you going Donna?

Donna: No, my dad's gonna make me wear this really queer jumpsuit. I don't know if I can do it, it's just too embarrasing.

Kitty: You know Donna, my grandmother came from Sweden and she had this thick, thick accent and it embarrased me to no end. Well, I asked her not to come to my high school graduation, 'cause I didn't want my friends to hear her talk. And she didn't come. Sixteen years later she got the gout and died. You see?

Donna: No.

Kitty: All families are embarrasing, and if they're not embarrasing, then they're dead.

(Outside the rally: Eric, Hyde, Kelso and Fez are standing and waiting.)

Hyde: Try to blend in, huh? (Kelso sees a guy talking to Jackie.)

Guy: I saw you sitting alone like that, so I came over and here you are.

Kelso: Hey, are you hitting on my girlfriend? (he shoves the guy.)

Jackie: Michael, he's not.

Guy: Hey man, you wanna go?

Kelso: Let's go! (starts to take of his coat to fight, but the other guys pull him back) You are so lucky I'm naked, pal!

(By the stage: Bob and Midge are wearing their striped jumpsuits, Donna isn't there.)

Midge: (Explaining to the crowd:) There's suppose to be a blue field of stars there. (Donna walks up, wearing her jumpsuit. She takes her place next to her parents.) Oh, honey!

Bob: Now if we just start to sway back and forth, it'll look like the flag is waving in the wind.

Donna: Oh, God!

(Kelso, Eric, Hyde and Fez enter.)

Kelso: Hey, there's another guy in a trenchcoat.

Fez: I bet he's a streaker too.

Eric: No Fez, he's with Secret Service.

Fez: How about that man?

Eric: Yeah, Secret Service.

Fez: And that man?

Hyde, Eric, Kelso: Yeah.

Fez: And that man with the dog?

Eric: Uh-huh.

Fez: Oh, the dog is looking at us. Come here boy!

Eric: No, Fez!

Hyde: Oh man, I just thought of something.

Eric, Kelso, Fez: What?

Hyde: What are we gonna do with our trenchcoats? We have to rip them off, we can't come back here and get them.

Eric, Kelso, Fez: Damn!

Hyde: Oh God this is all my fault. You know what, I'll hold the coats and you guys streak.

Eric, Fez, Kelso: Thanks.

Kelso: I just thought of something too. We're naked...and there's a lot of dogs here. Maybe we should just sit down.

Hyde: I'm in.

Eric: Me too.

Fez: Me too.

(everyone sits down.)

Mr. Burkhardt: Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States of America: Gerald R. Ford!

(The President approaches the podium, and falls over several times on his way there.)

(later in the assembly. Eric sees Donna standing in the corner.)

Eric: Hey, what are you doing, hiding over.....(he sees the jumpsuit.) Oh, ok.

Donna: Back off! (dramatically) I am a flag. Are you gonna streak?

Eric: No, we took a vote, it's unanimous. We're all very chicken.

Donna: That's too bad. It's been a while since I've seen you naked.

Eric: You've never seen me naked!

Donna: Like a zillion times. When were kids, you were always running around the neighborhood naked, screaming "wee-wee, pee-pee!"

Mr. Burkhart: Now it's time for our Q and A portion of our program. First up, I'd like to introduce Red Forman. Red is a father of two wonderful children, and how he's managed to keep them clothed and fed when being cut back to half time at the plant is beyond me. But he doesn't blame the President for his misfortune. No Sir, he only blames himself. I give you, Red Forman!

(Red walks up to the podium.)

Red: Um… Mr. President…

(The camera cuts to Eric and back to Red, a heartbeat playing in the background.)

Red: I uh…

(The camera cuts to Kitty with a worried look on her face, and back.to Red.)

Red: I uh…

(The shot cuts to Mr. Burkhardt.)

Mr. Burkhardt: (in slowmo:) Come on, Red!

(A cut to Kelso.)

Kelso: (more slowmo:) Your dad is bombing!

(The camera cuts to Eric, then to Red, back to Eric and back to Red. Then it cuts to the audience. To the dog. And back to Eric, who puts his Nixon mask on, throws his coat on Donna’s face and runs into the room. He throws his fists up into the air.)

Eric: WEE-WEE!!! PEE-PEE!!! WEE-WEE!!! PEE-PEE!!!

(He screams and runs out the other door, followed by the secret services agents. There is a moment of silence, and then Red looks up, his confidence regained.)

Red: Hey, Gerry, here’s my question: How the hell could you pardon Nixon?

(The audience cheers. Mr. Burkhardt is disgusted.)

(The Forman's livingroom: Red is sitting on the couch, Eric walks in.)

Red: Hey, son.

Eric: Hi, dad. Hey, good job at the rally tonight.

Red: Not bad. I kinda stumbled there at the start, but I think I nailed him with a good one.

Eric: Well, anyway, it was pretty cool.

Red: Yeah, well, sometimes a man's gotta do...what he thinks is right.

Eric: Yeah. I'm gonna call it a night.

(Eric heads towards the stairs.)

Red: All right, son. Good night.

Eric: Good night.

Red: Oh, and next time, don't wear black socks. You look like an ass.

(The Forman's driveway: Eric and Donna are sitting on the hood of the car.)

Donna: How could they not catch you?

Eric: I guess no one wants to tackle a naked guy.

Donna: So true.

Eric: Hey, you didn't see anything, did you?

Donna: No. Well...maybe just a bit. But not the bit.

(There is a short pause.)

Eric: Wait, what do you mean "bit"?