I do NOT own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show “That 70’s Show”. They were created by Bonnie Turner, Terry Turner, and Mark Brazill and belong to them, Carsey-Werner and the FOX television network.

This is not a novelization or a script. It is a straightforward and direct transcript of the episode “Holy Craps”. It also includes descriptions of the settings, action scenes and camera movements where I felt they were needed.

I made every effort to accurately transcribe the dialogue from this episode. If you notice anything that is transcribed incorrectly, please let me know and I will post an update.

©1999 Kandigurl

(The Forman’s kitchen. Everyone is eating dinner (Eric, Red, Hyde, and Kelso). Kitty is by the sink talking.)

Kitty: So, everyone enjoying dinner?

All: (mouth’s full.) Yeah. It’s great. Thanks.

Kitty: Good. (She walks over to the table with a coffee cup.) Now, I wanted to talk to everyone about helping me with the church fundraiser.

(Everyone immediately gets up.)

Kitty: FREEZE! (Everyone sits back down and starts eating again.) Okay, so…haha, God’s Magic Circle is our church’s women’s auxiliary and I’ve volunteered to help organize their next fundraiser.

Eric: Bravo I say. Bra-vo. Now if you’ll please excuse me, (he wipes his mouth with his napkin and gets up.) I have to attend a meeting. (He starts to get up and walk to the living room but kitty stops him.) It’s a- (he looks at his watch.) It’s a really important...soo…(Kitty gives him a look.) OKAY! (He sits back down.)

Kitty: Now, as you all know. I’m…stuck in a rut! And, uh, really I just need to get out and, uh, experience new things!

Eric: Mom…I think you should-

Kitty: (puts her hand on his shoulder.) And…I want your support, which, by the way, I always give you, Mr. I-want-to-be-a-jazz-guitarist.

Kelso & Hyde: EHEHEHEHEH! (They point and laugh.)

Red: Eric, if you’re mother wants you, and Archie, and Jughead here to help her- then you’re going to help her.

Hyde: (To Kelso:) You’re Jughead.

Kelso: Hehe, you’re Jughead.

Hyde: You’re so Jughead it’s not even debatable.

Kelso: You are so-ahh! (Hyde punches him.)

Red: Steven, stop hitting Jughead.

Hyde: See?!

Red: Hey! This is important to her. And we should support her for this. You guys will help out.

Kitty: Why, thank you, Red…and you’re coming too.

Red: Oh, no Kitty. I uh, I have a meeting- (Kitty glares at him.) with you. ...At church.

Eric: Hehe, nice save dad!

Red: Shut up.

(“That 70’s Show” theme song plays.)

(The Forman’s basement. Caroline is sitting on the couch with Fez trying to explain a bazooka Joe comic to him, Jackie is just pacing around…looking at stuff, Donna is on the steps talking to Eric and reading a magazine. Hyde is in his chair watching everything.)

Caroline: No Fez, see Bazooka Joe wanted to see time fly. So Morpheous pushed a clock out the window. So time flew! Get it?

Fez: Did the clock break?

Caroline: You know, I don’t know. But that’s really not the point.

Fez: That’s still a pretty big waste of a clock.

Caroline: Okay…well, I gotta go. (She grabs her coat and gets up off the couch. Fez follows.) See you later, sweetie.

Fez: See you. (They kiss. She leaves.)

Jackie: You guys are such a cute couple!

Donna: (gets up off the steps and walks over to sit on the couch. Eric joins her.) I know. I really like Caroline.

Jackie: Me too. She’s nice!

Hyde: For a psycho.

Fez: Hyde! Take that back!

(Hyde pretends he blowing up a balloon and then let’s out the air. He makes that “sss” sound.)

Hyde: SSSSSSS-psycho.

Fez: You are a gifted mime, but that hurts.

Donna: Hyde, Caroline is not a psycho. (She puts her hand on his knee.) You just don’t get women. We have emotions. We’re ruled by the moon and the tides.

Jackie: And pretty clothes.

Donna: We should hang out with her…you know…make her feel welcome.

(She gets up to get a Popsicle from the deep freeze.)

Hyde: Yeah, you can never have to many friends. Sometimes you feel like a nut…sometimes you don’t.

(Donna goes back and sits down next to Eric.)

Eric: Hehe, hey, guys, you know who was crazy? This camp counselor I once had. He used to make you do Turbo Sit-Ups…but he’d put a towel over your face…so when you went to the sit up he’d-

Donna: …pull the towel away and make you put your face in his butt!

Eric: Donna! (He looks at her and lowers his voice.) You stole the funny part.

Donna: Well, Eric, I’ve heard it like 8 times. (He just looks at her.) Okay, I’m sorry. Tell the story again. (She stares at him.) I’ll laugh!

Eric: But…it’ll be fake though…right?

Donna: OH YEAH!

Eric: (pauses) Okay, guys, I once had this camp counselor, and he…

(Kelso comes barging into the basement. He looks excited.)

Kelso: Oh my god! You guys! The Peterson’s just got a new dog!

(Everyone just stares at him.)

Kelso: Let’s go!

(Everyone continues to stare at him. He gets the hint and he runs out.)

(Kitty’s church. Kitty is trying to get everything organized and Red, Kelso, Hyde, and Eric, are standing around bored and annoyed. They all have nametags.)

Kitty: Okay, now, I have work assignments for everyone. Red, you’re selling raffle tickets.

Red: I’m your man.

Kitty: Don’t yell at the costumers.

Red: I’m kinda your man.

Kitty: And smile.

Red: You need another man. (He goes to sit down in the raffle booth.)

Kitty: Michael…Steven, you’re in charge of bingo. And Eric, I thought you could run the cakewalk!

Eric: Sure, what’s cake walk?

(Kitty is about to explain but is interrupted by Red.)

Red: It’s cake…and walking. What are you on…dope?

(Pastor Dave walks over.)

Kitty: So, Pastor Dave. What do you think?

Pastor Dave: Gosh Kitty. I’m impressed. I can’t remember the last time a God’s Magic Circle Fundraiser has looked so gosh darn…wonderful! (He looks over to Eric, Kelso and Hyde.) Hiya, gang!

Guys: Hi, Pastor Dave.

Pastor Dave: Say, God’s Magic Circle, that sounds like an Eric Clapton song…doesn’t it kids?

Guys: Yes, Pastor Dave.

Pastor Dave: Rock on, kids!

Guys: Rock on, Pastor Dave.

(The church fundraiser. Eric is doing the cake walk. There’s a table with cakes and a record player Eric is controlling. A bunch of old people are walking around the table. Eric looks bored. He just stands there letting the record play.)

Woman: Oh, come on, string bean. Will you stop the record already?

Eric: Hey, I’ll stop it when I’m good and ready.

(The woman stops and glares at him. He stops the record.)

Eric: And that wasn’t because of you…it was just cause I ready. (He sees an old man named Ed stopped by a cake.) Okay, congratulations, Ed. You win a chocolate cake.

Ed: But I’m allergic to chocolate.

Eric: Why ya in the cake walk then, Ed?

Ed: I thought this was the line for the bathroom.

(Eric gets a perplexed look on his face…hands the cake to Ed…and points him in the right direction of the bathroom. The woman that yelled at Eric before is yelling at her husband.)

Woman: Now, don’t you screw this up. I want to win that marmalade cake.

Man: Sure, yeah, pumpkin. I was just talking to this guy over there…

Woman: Oh, forget it. You’re going to screw this up. You always do. Just go...stand over there. (She points near Eric.)

Man: All right, my turtle dove. Right over here. (He goes over to Eric.) For the love of god, let my wife win a cake.

Eric: Well, it’s in the hands of the lord now sir. Okay everyone, let’s get ready for another exciting round of...cakewalk. (He starts the music.)

Man: Would you believe she was once the sweetest, most beautiful girl in high school?

Eric: Of course she was.

Man: Word of advice, kid. Never marry your high school sweetheart.

Eric: (getting worried.) Wait, why not?!

Woman: (walks over to where the man and Eric are standing while she’s walking in the cake walk.) Oh yeah, that’s it Glen. Keep slouching; you’re not mousy enough.

Glen (man): That’s why. (He walks away.)

(The church fundraiser. Red is at the raffle table. He keeps looking at his watch and he hears chattering, laughing, and cheering. He notices a craps table set up and a bunch of guys playing. He goes over and starts talking.)

Red: Hey, (he points.) that’s a Craps table!

Pastor Dave: Yep. Except here it’s called Cripes! Would you like to be the next Holy Roller?

Red: Are you kidding? Next to prayer, Craps is my favorite thing about church.

Pastor Dave: I have to go check out the last supper bake sale. Free cupcakes to anyone who doesn’t deny the lord! (He leaves.)

(Red rolls the dice.)

(The church fund raiser. Hyde and Kelso are at the bingo table. They’re looking at all the prizes.)

Kelso: Oh my god! It’s Rock’em, Sock’em Robots. They’re the most technologically advanced of all the plastic, spring-loaded boxing robots.

Hyde: Who knows, maybe we’ll get lucky.

Kelso: Or, we could cheat.

Hyde: Kelso man, you’re willing to cheat in the house of the lord? You’re coming along nicely.

Kelso: Yeah, and it’s not that bad. Cause technically, we’re in the basement of the Lord. And, I’ll bet he never comes down here.

Hyde: Yeah, good point. Besides, what old lady wants Rock’em, Sock’em Robots, or Pop Rocks, or super balls?

Kelso: Yeah! Yeah, if you give the elderly Pop Rocks, they could get all foamy and stroke out!

Hyde: So we’re helping.

Kelso: We’re helping.

(Later at the bingo game. Hyde is calling the numbers and Kelso is in a chair with a bingo card next to two old ladies. Hyde takes a ball and looks at Kelso before he calls the number. Kelso tells him what number he needs to win.)

Kelso: (mouthing.) B-7.

Hyde: B-7!

Kelso: BINGO! Gosh, that’s lucky. (He pats an old lady on the shoulder.)

(Eric and Glen outside. Eric is showing a picture of Donna to Glen.)

Eric: That’s Donna. (Hands him the picture.)

Glen: Oh, look at that, a carrot top, eh? (He hands the picture back to Eric, who puts it back in his wallet and into his pocket.) Eh, that’s great kid. You know, I was a lot like you. Milky white loser, with a cheap haircut, and less muscle tone than a canned ham.

Eric: Okay…first of all, Glen, I’m wiry, ok?

Glen: Yeah, I was dating the hottest looking girl in school. Thought I had it made.

Eric: So what happened?

Glen: I don’t know, really. One day, we just realized she had heard all of my stories and I had heard all of her stories and well, that’s when she stopped being nice and started eating.

Eric: Oh, god, Donna eats!

Glen: Better watch it there, kid. They start small, first a few wiseass comments, and then they’re putting you down in front of your friends.

(The camera closes in on Eric, and we can hear him thinking about the other day when Donna made fun of his story:)

Eric: Donna! You stole the funny part.

Donna: Well, Eric, I’ve heard it like 8 times.

(Back to regular conversation:)

Glen: Then, before you know it, you’re praying for death. Either hers or yours. Either way, at least it’s quiet.

Eric: You really brought me down, man!

Glen: Hehe, yeah I tend to do that.

(The Forman’s basement. Jackie, Donna, and Caroline are there hanging out. Donna is reading a magazine, Jackie is doing her nails, and Caroline is just sitting there smiling.)

Caroline: You guys are so much fun to hang out with!

Jackie: Yeah, we really are!

Caroline: (turning to Donna.) So, what does Cosmo say about me? I’m a Gemini.

Donna: Uhh, let’s see. Okay. The twins-two people trapped in one body. So you’re like…split personality.

Caroline: (pretending to get serious.) If you ever say that again…I’ll kill you! (They just stare at her.) Guys! I’m just kidding! I’m psycho, remember?! Whoo hoo!

Donna: Wow, that was, uh, that was really good. (she throws down the magazine and gets up.) I almost wet myself.

Jackie: (moves off the top of the couch to sit near Caroline.) All right, all right, enough small talk. So tell me, is Fez like, an amazing kisser?

Caroline: Oh, Jackie, don’t make me blush.

Donna: She’s only asking you ‘cause when she kissed him, he did this thing with his tongue.

Caroline: You kissed Fez?

Jackie: Oh my god, it was nothing. He had this stupid crush on me.

Caroline: (getting very angry and screaming.) SHHHHHUUUUTTTTTT UUUUUPPPP! (Breathing heavily.) If either of you ever touch my boyfriend, I will hunt you down like animals. Understand?

Donna: (laughing. Still thinking Caroline’s joking again.) You’re kidding, right?

Caroline: (mocking Donna.) You’re kidding, right? I will scratch your big dumb eyes out. (She holds up her nails.) Got it? (She leaves.)

Donna: Oh my god!

Jackie: I know! Her nails are beautiful! (She throws her nail filer down.)

(The church fund raiser. Kitty and Pastor Dave talking.)

Pastor Dave: I just want to thank you again for doing such a wonderful job.

Kitty: Haha, I’ll tell ya Pastor Dave. It feels so good to get out of the house and do something important.

Pastor Dave: You know who else got out of the house and did something important? Jesus.

Kitty: (kind of confused.) And lucky for us he did!

(She notices Pastor Dave pulling at his rear end.)

Kitty: Are you all right?

Pastor Dave: Well, I ran out of underwear and I’m wearing my swimsuit…I’ve said too much. (He walks away.)

(Kitty walks over to the Raffle table. She notices Red’s gone and there’s a sign up saying. “Be back in 20…10 Minutes…Raffle cancelled.” She walks away and over to check on Eric on the cake walk. She notices he’s gone too and the old people are just walking around the cake table and the music is still playing.)

Kitty: Eric? (She hears Red’s and the other guys’ cheers at the Craps table and she walks over.)

Red: I’m the richest man in church! Fellas, these dice like me! (He rolls the dice again and laughs.)

(Kitty then looks over at the Bingo table and hears Kelso yelling.)

Kelso: Whoa ho! B-I-N-G-O! And that spells losers…losers…

Kitty: Dammit!

(Eric. He’s thinking about what Glen said. The words are ringing in his mind, and we can hear them, too.)

Glen’s words: Never marry your high school sweetheart…sweetheart…sweetheart…

(The scene cuts to Eric’s dream sequence, where Eric and Donna in their middle ages. Eric is very bald and skinny and Donna is very fat. They’re in the Forman’s kitchen. Donna is by the counter smoking and drinking coffee. Eric is staring into the camera muttering to himself drinking coffee at the table. Donna walks over still smoking.)

Donna: *coughs*

Eric: Oh hey, did I ever tell you…

Donna: HEARD IT! (She opens up a doughnut box and discovers there are none left.) Who ate the last doughnut?!

Eric: (he looks around)…I did.

Donna: (muttering.) Son of a bitch.

Eric: Well, you ate the first eleven!

Donna: OH, SHUT UP! (She leans back in her chair…readjusts her bra, and scratches her stomach.)

Eric: No I won’t. I weigh 80 pounds! Look at you! And do you know why I’m bald?! My body is eating it’s own hair! (He goes back to drinking his coffee and muttering.)

(Scene cuts back to Eric, outside again, he feels his head making sure all the hair is there, and his face falls.)

(Kitty is watching Red play craps. She slaps her hand on her leg every time she sees Red win.)

Kitty: Hey, Diamond Jim. Come here. How’s the abandoned raffle going?

Red: Kitty! I’m on fire! I just rolled four hard eights in a row! God is being the law of probability just for me!

(Kelso and Hyde walk over carrying all the prizes and chewing gum.)

Hyde: We…won…everything!

Kelso: Yeah, we’re just super naturally lucky.

(Eric walks over and taps Kitty on the shoulder.)

Eric: Hey mom, I have some bad news for you. For every 1 doughnut I get, Donna gets 11. Storm’s a brewin.

Kitty: Eric! How could you leave the cakewalk? Just look at those people.

(He looks over and sees very sad things.)

(Pastor Dave walks over.)

Pastor Dave: Kitty, how’s everything going?

Kitty: (lying.) Just great! Everything’s great!

Pastor Dave: Did your boys buy a raffle ticket? Third prize is a rock and roll record. John Denver’s greatest hits, it fills up your senses! (He leaves.)

Kitty: I ask for one day of help and this is what I get?

Eric: Uh…(he looks over at Red who shrugs.) Yeah.

Kitty: Oh, wonderful. I started in God’s Magic Circle and ended up in Satan’s Evil...Square! I can’t believe any of you can walk into a church without bursting into flames!

Red: We’re…

Kitty: Okay, you know what? Just leave. And please, (she holds out her hand.) leave your ill-gotten games.

(Red hands her his tickets. Kelso and Hyde put the prizes down on the table. They leave with Red and Eric. All of a sudden Kelso runs back. He grabs the Robots.)

Kelso: I won these! They’re mine! (He runs out.)

(The Forman’s kitchen. Eric and Red are sitting at the table waiting for Kitty to get back. When she does, they get up and start sweet talking her as she’s walking towards the living room.)

Eric: Hi mom! We’re sorry!

Red: Very sorry!

Eric: Welcome home!

Red: I love you so much!

Kitty: Okay, you know what? Just stop. I’m not mad at you.

Red: You’re not?

Kitty: No. On my way home, dreaming about marrying some other guy, and having his children, I um, I realized that this is all my fault.

Eric: All right!

Red: Wait, this may be a trap.

(Eric nods.)

Kitty: No. I shouldn’t have forced you to come with me, when all I really wanted was to do something for myself.

Red: Look, Kitty, I’m sorry. And if there’s anything you want to do, you should do it if it makes you happy, and we’ll support you by...not going with you. Would that be good?

Kitty: Yes. Thank you Red.

Red: You’re welcome.

(They kiss. Kitty walks into the living room.)

Eric: (amazed.) Wow, you and Mom. You were fighting, and then you made up. And you’ve been married for, like, a million years. (Red smiles and nods.) That fills my heart with hope.

Red: That’s it. You’re going into the army. (He leaves.)

(The Forman’s basement. Jackie, Donna and Fez are there. They’re sitting on both sides of Fez on the couch describing what happened with Caroline that day.)

Donna: She was scary! Really scary! Okay! Exorcist scary!

Jackie: Fez! You have to break up with her!

Fez: You two are over reacting. She is a little loony, but she would never hurt you.

(Caroline comes in.)

Caroline: Hey Fez!

Fez: Hello, my beautiful girlfriend. (Caroline goes and kisses him on the head standing behind him. Jackie and Donna give each other a look, nods, and put their hands on Fez’s legs. Caroline gets pissed and grabs their arms.)

Caroline: We’ve been over this!

Fez: Caroline!

Caroline: Touch Fez and die!

Fez: What are you doing?! These are my friends!!

Caroline: Oh, really? Well did they shop lift $30 worth of indelible markers and write your name over every inch of their room?! Every inch! Did they?

Fez: Umm…did you guys do that?

Jackie and Donna: NO!

Fez: Well, uh, there you have it. Um, Caroline, I have to break up with you?

Caroline: Why? And don’t say it’s because I’m crazy, because I’m not crazy.

Fez: Oh, haha, oh no, oh, haha, of course not. It’s just ‘cause, it’s just um, Donna and I are in love.

Caroline: WHAT?!

Donna: Oh my god!

Jackie: EWWWW!

(He grabs her hand and pulls her off the couch and shoves her in front of him.)

Fez: Yes, we are freaky for each other. Please, tell her please!

Donna: What if she tries to kill me?

Fez: You’re a giant, you can take her.

(Donna looks at them for a moment. Then she plants a huge kiss on Fez. They’re kissing and groping and then she pulls away, nods, and fixes her shirt. Then she sits back down on the couch.)

Caroline: OH my god, you’re really breaking up with me?

Fez: Uh, is that ok?

Caroline: Fez, I just want to say that you will never be as happy as you were with ME! EVER! And until you realize that, I’ll be seeing you. And by I’ll be seeing you; I mean I’ll be watching with you. But you won’t know it. Except I just told you so you do know it. But this…isn’t…OVER. (She leaves.)

Fez: (sighs) Sure am glad that’s over!