I do NOT own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show “That 70’s Show”. They were created by Bonnie Turner, Terry Turner, and Mark Brazill and belong to them, Casey-Werner and the FOX television network.

This is not a novelization or a script. It is a straightforward and direct transcript of the episode “Red’s New Job”. It also includes descriptions of the settings, action scenes and camera movements where I felt they were needed.

I made every effort to accurately transcribe the dialogue from this episode. If you notice anything that is transcribed incorrectly, please let me know and I will post an update.

©1999 Kandigurl

(Laurie and Kelso are in Kelso’s van.)

Kelso: So! Let’s get to the lovin’, huh? So, how ‘bout a little mood music, huh? Zepplin or Foghat?

Laurie: Whatever.

Kelso: Laurie, are you ok?

Laurie: I’m sorry, I guess I’m just not into it today. Actually, I feel like talking.

Kelso: Oh! Yeah, ok, yeah, I’ll try anything once.

Laurie: Well, it’s just…lately, I feel like all my friends are away at school and I’m the only one here, and I just feel like this huge failure!

Kelso: Laurie! Don’t be silly. Failures are ugly and you’re hot!

Laurie: That’s true!

Kelso: Yeah!

Laurie: Thanks, Kelso!

Kelso: Yeah. (He starts to take off his shirt. He gets it pulled up and almost over his head when Laurie starts talking again.)

Laurie: I guess it all started in Jr. High. That’s when a girl really defines who she is. You know what I mean?

Kelso: (He pulls the shirt down over his head and creates a hole surrounded by his arms.)

So…we’re talking some more?

Laurie: (Nods) I really wanna talk.

Kelso: Ok. (He pulls his shirt back on.) Guess I’ll put my shirt back on so we can talk some more.

Laurie: Great!

Kelso: Yeah, super.

(The Forman’s driveway. Red is fixing the car. Bob walks up.)

Bob: Look at this ad, Red. They’re opening a Price Mart right in our own town. Fourteen ninety-five for a toaster. Can ya believe it?

Red: No, I can’t. I bought that very same toaster in your store for twice that.

Bob: Yeah, that’s my point.

Red: That you screwed me?

Bob: Red, fourteen ninety-five is below my cost. This Price Mart could put me out of business.

Red: Hey, they’re hiring!

Bob: Red, you can’t. These giant corporations come into town, they destroy little businesses like mine. They’re evil.

Red: Yeah, I guess that’s true…

(That 70’s Show theme song plays.)

(Eric, Donna, Kelso, Jackie, and Fez are in the Forman’s kitchen. Fez and Kelso are looking for food.)

Fez: Where is the food? Eric, you should give your refrigerator to people who have food.

Kelso: Look at this. (Pulling food from the cupboards.) Hamburger Helper. Tuna Helper. A can of beets? Oh, gross, I will not eat a darn beet. You know what, Forman, your dad better get a job, and soon. Because I’m starving here.

Eric: I’ll tell him you said that.

Jackie: Michael, it’s not polite to remind poor people that they’re po- (She looks over at Eric and talks slowly.) less fortunate.

Eric: We’re not less fortunate. We’re just on a budget.

Fez: Well, it is a hell of a tiny budget! (He laughs at his joke.) Oh, that’s not funny, that’s sad.

Donna: Hey, Kelso, eat that. (She hands him something.)

Kelso: All right, green Jell-O. Hey, Jackie, try some. I heard green stuff makes you horny.

Jackie: Michael, that only works with green M + M’s, duh!

Kelso: Nuh-uh! It’s everything green! Right, Donna?

Donna: Actually, Kelso. You know what really makes you horny? Beets.

Kelso: Yeah, right.

Eric: Nah, it’s true, I saw it on Sixty Minutes, man. Beet farmers with like, ten, fifteen kids.

Kelso: Man, how’s come everything that’s good for you always tastes so bad? (He gets out a can opener.) I’m trying it!

(Kitty walks in.)

Kitty: Michael, honey, don’t eat our beets! (She walks by and takes the beets away.)

Jackie: You know, Michael, Mrs. Forman’s right. You’re horny enough as it is. Sometimes, I wish you had two girlfriends.

(Everyone turns to look at her.)

Kelso: Oh my god, are you serious?

Jackie: What?

Kelso: Nothing!

(Red walks in. Bob is following closely behind.)

Red: I get it, Bob! (He shuts the sliding door) Kitty, I’m getting a job at Price Mart! (They both turn to Bob, who’s still standing at the door, and smile and wave. Bob smiles and leaves.)

(Laurie and Kelso are in Kelso’s van. Kelso is asleep while Laurie is talking.)

Laurie: And I guess, I’ve just been too concerned with the needs of others and I haven’t thought enough about myself. Kelso?

Kelso: (Wakes up.) Yeah, yeah! Listening.

Laurie: Well, what do you think?

Kelso: Well, uh…I…agree?

Laurie: Really?

Kelso: Yeah! I mean, everything you said makes so much sense! So, who wants sex, I know I do! (He raises his hand.)

Laurie: Kelso, I’m feeling really close to you. Um…I think I want a relationship!

Kelso: Yes. That’s what I want! A sexual relationship.

Laurie: NO, no, I mean, I want more from you than just sex.

Kelso: Don’t be silly, Laurie, sex is enough for any woman.

Laurie: Kelso, I want an emotional relationship.

Kelso: Exactly! We both want a sexually emotional relationship!

(The Forman’s kitchen. Hyde is sitting at the table. Kitty is helping Red get ready for his interview. Eric is standing to the side.)

Red: This Price Mart looks like a heck of an outfit, Kitty!

Eric: Yeah, maybe I should go down there and get a job, too.

Kitty: Eric, when your father’s in a good mood, what do I say?

Eric: No talking?

Kitty: Thank you!

Red: Eric, I’ve told you. Your job is to study hard, get good grades, get a scholarship, go to college and move away! End of discussion!

Eric: Then…how come Hyde gets to have a job?

Hyde: Because, Forman. You have potential. Whereas I’ll be a success if I stay out of jail.

Red: Exactly!

Kitty: Oh, no, Steven, that is not true! It’s just, it’s a little different because (She covers Hyde’s ears) he doesn’t have any parents!

Hyde: Oh my god, I don’t have any parents?

Red: Ok, ok! Wish me luck.

Kitty: Ok, good luck, honey!

Hyde: Good luck!

Kitty: Knock ‘em dead!

(Red leaves.)

Eric: Man, what’s his problem? I just…I just wanna help out.

Kitty: Well, I am sorry, Eric, but I agree with your father. School is your job. Oh, and…also to be my precious little baby boy!

(Hyde makes a kissy face at Eric.)

Eric: Mom! We talked about this. I’m not a boy any more. I’m a man. (Hyde turns around as if he’s going to comment.) Shut up, Hyde! I am a man!

Kitty: Fine. My precious little baby man! (She kisses his head and leaves the room.)

Eric: (Sitting next to Hyde.) Oh, man. You are so lucky your mom’s a run away alcoholic.

(Red is at his interview)

Ted: I must say, Red, I am very impressed with your experience.

Red: Well, thank you, Mr. Herbeson!

Ted: Oh, call me Ted, Red. Hey, Ted, Red, that’s funny.

Red: Yeah, it is, uh, I didn’t catch it there at first, but then, woop! That’s funny!

Ted: I see you’re applying for our supervisor position, what would you say if I offered you a job right now?

Red: I’d say let’s break out the champale!

Ted: Great, ‘cause we’re hiring cashiers. You get your own smock.

Red: But I’m not a cashier, Ted. I’m management.

Ted: Ok! Then we’ll let you know.

Red: (He stands up.) So, uh…Red, Ted, that’s pretty funny though!

Ted: On second thought, it’s not that funny.

(The camera is focused on the phone in the Forman’s kitchen. The shot switches to Hyde, Eric, Kitty, Laurie and Red all staring intently at it. The shot switches back to the phone, then back to the family.)

Kitty: Red, come and eat your dinner!

Red: Shh! Not hungry.

(Donna walks in.)

Donna: Hey, what’s going on?

Eric: Shh! Red’s waiting for a phone call.

Donna: Oh. (She stands there for a second, then reaches over and grabs a carrot. She takes a bite and it crunches loudly.)

Hyde: Shh!

Donna: Sorry!

Red: You know, that phone hasn’t rung all damn day! Maybe it’s broken.

(Red starts his way over to the phone.)

Kitty: No, it’s not broken!

Red: (He picks up the phone and hears a dial tone.) No, it’s not broken. Oh! (He quickly slams the phone back onto the hook.) Damn! They could have called right then, got a busy signal, moved on to the next guy on the list, oh, man! I just screwed myself out of a job!

(The phone rings right then, and Red quickly reaches for it.)

Hyde: Wait, Red, wait! Let it ring. You don’t wanna seem desperate.

Red: Right. Eric, if this is one of your dumbass friends, you better start running!

Eric: Please don’t be Kelso, please don’t be Kelso.

Red: (Picks up the phone.) Hello?...(He turns to the family) It’s Price Mart! (He hangs up the phone, then realizes what he’s done. He picks it back up again and listens.) Yes! This is the Forman residence!…You have good news!…Yeah-huh!…Uh-huh!…Ok, then. Thanks for calling. (He hangs up)

Kitty: So what’s the good news?

Red: Well. The good news is…Eric got a job at Price Mart.

Kitty: Run, honey, run!

(The basement. Eric, Hyde, Kelso and Fez are getting high, and the camera swings from person to person.)

Eric: Man, Red went ballistic on me! I mean, I wanna keep the job, but…I really don’t wanna wear my ass for a hat. ‘Cause…you know, he said he could do that and I believe him.

Hyde: Come on, Forman. Fight the power, man! That way I can have your room after Red kills you. (He laughs.) Although I’m not sure an ass hat is fatal.

Fez: You know what would be a good job for me? Gigolo. The loving is over. Now, pay me!

Kelso: So, Laurie’s been talking a lot lately, right? She’s saying she wants a relationship. You know, and I kept waiting for the dirty part. But the dirty part never came.

Eric: Kelso, I have a real problem here, ok? I’d like to talk about that.

Kelso: Right. You know, dating two girls wasn’t supposed to be like this! It was supposed to be like…

(The shot swings into Kelso’s fantasy. Kelso is sitting on the couch with Laurie and Jackie.)

Kelso: So, do you wanna talk?

Laurie: No way! I just wanna fool around!

Jackie: Yes! Talking is stupid! You know, I’ll just wait quietly ‘til you and Laurie are done. Have fun!

Kelso: Well, thanks, babe. (He kisses her forehead.) You know, feel free to jump in. (He kisses Laurie.)

(Donna walks in.)

Donna: Kelso, you mind if I join in your sexy circle too?

Kelso: Why not?

Donna: (She sits on his lap.) All Eric ever wants to do is talk.

Laurie: I told you he was a loser.

Donna: I know! I mean, how am I supposed to talk when I don’t have a thought in my pretty little red head?

Jackie: See, Michael? Donna’s just as empty headed as we are! Oh, Donna, you make a great addition to our sexy circle.

Kelso: All right, ladies, there’s just one rule here. There are no bras allowed.

The girls: YAY!

(Back in the basement.)

Kelso: See, that’s pretty sweet, huh?

(Eric and Donna are in the basement. Eric is wearing his Price Mart smock. He zips it up.)

Eric: What do you think?

Donna: I think it makes your ass look big.

Eric: (laughs and sits down next to her.) You know, I just don’t know why my dad doesn’t want me to work. I mean, yeah, I’m a real bad boy, Donna. My big teenage rebellion is to…get a job. Oooh, you never know what I’m gonna do next. Oh my god, look out! He’s got insurance!

Donna: (Laughs) You know, I think it’ll be great when you get a job. Maybe on our dates we won’t just have to sit in the car, maybe we can actually drive some where and maybe, I don’t know, eat? Or maybe I can get my own popcorn at the movies!

Eric: You’re a dreamer. Yeah, you know what? I’m gonna keep the job.

Donna: Well, you’re like a rebel without a cause. But with a cause.

Eric: And a smock.

Donna: Right!

(Kelso bursts in)

Kelso: You gotta hide me!

Laurie: (From upstairs) Kelso! Are you down there?

Kelso: Crap! I’m not here! (He hides behind the shower curtains.)

(Laurie walks down the stairs.)

Laurie: Have you seen Kelso?

Eric: Why, yes I have! He’s hiding from you in the shower!

Kelso: Ah!

(Laurie pulls open the curtains where Kelso is crouching.)

Kelso: Hi!

Laurie: Guess what? I just found my eighth grade diary! Come on, I’ll read it to you!

(She runs upstairs)

Kelso: Great! Hey, Forman! (Follows her and slaps Eric on the back of the head on the way.)

(Red and Kitty’s bedroom. They are lying in bed.)

Kitty: Good news, Red. I just took Cosmo’s ten ways to please your man in bed test, and I got nine out of ten! But I didn’t get number three because I’m a nurse and number three is icky.

Red: I can’t believe that Eric.

Kitty: Oh, I think working is important to Eric’s self-esteem, and I really don’t think it’s a big deal.

Red: But he only got a job, Kitty, because I don’t have one! And no son of mine is gonna work and screw up his chances to go to college because I can’t carry the load. I should have taken that crummy cashier’s job.

Kitty: Well, now, what kind of talk is that? You deserve to be supervisor. In fact, the Red Forman I know would march right down there and fight for it.

Red: I’ve been out of work for six months, I can’t afford to fight right now, Kitty! I gotta take their crappy offer, and smile like a jackass while I do it.

Kitty: Red, I don’t think your smile is gonna-

Red: Oh, I’m going for a walk. (He climbs out of bed and heads for the door.)

Kitty: Well, wait a minute, honey! You know what, we can split a bottle of wine and I’ll, I’ll give number three a shot! (Red pauses for a moment and considers this. Then he leaves.) That was a close one!

(Red and Eric are in the Forman’s kitchen.)

Red: Did you quit that job?

Eric: Dad, I wanna keep that job.

Red: Well, it’s a tough world, Eric, and people don’t always get what they want. Especially you.

Eric: Dad, I’m pretty sure I’m not backing down on this one.

Red: You’re not? Oh, no. Well, I guess you win, then.

Eric: (He gets up from the table to face his father.) Dad, you always tell me never to back down. Don’t back down. Formans never back down. And now you’re telling me to back down? Well, Dad, I can only conclude that you’re insane!

Red: You think that’s funny?

Eric: Well, you know, maybe not in the traditional ha ha sense, but…

Red: Look, I gotta go. You know, you’re gonna look real funny when you’re wearing- (Eric hears where this is going and helps fill in.)

Eric + Red: Your ass for a hat.

Eric: Yeah. (Red starts out the door.) Even though I doubt that’s physically possible.

Red: Let’s find out together.

(Kelso and Laurie are in the Forman’s basement. They are sitting on the couch talking.)

Kelso: Ok. Laurie. I want you to know that I really, really, really enjoy fooling around with you.

Laurie: Yeah, I get that a lot.

Kelso: And you should! ‘Cause you’re talented! See, but I don’t want one of those relationships because I already have one of those with Jackie.

Laurie: Yeah, but that can’t last!

Kelso: No. See, what I’m saying is, is that we have to break this thing off.

Laurie: Huh. That’s a pretty big decision to make all on your own. Maybe you and me and Jackie should all get together and discuss it!

Kelso: No. You wouldn’t.

Laurie: Really? Look at me, Kelso. Look into my (Her voice changes into a demonic tone.) eyes.

(The camera closes in on Laurie’s eyes. The shot changes into a picture of a devil-type demon raising it’s wings. The shot pulls back onto Laurie’s face, and she smiles.)

Kelso: Laurie? Will you go out with me?

Laurie: Oh, Kelso, I thought you’d never ask!

(Back at Price Mart. Ted is fishing out a smock.)

Ted: A smart move taking cashier. Know you were gunning for supervisor, but, hey. There’s no shame in backing down. (He tosses Red the smock.)

Red: Well, that is a mighty nice smock. You know, you think that your kids don’t listen to you. But they do.

Ted: Not sure I follow.

Red: I changed my mind, Ted. I’m here for the supervisor’s job. (He throws the smock back on the desk.) Know what I mean? Ted?

(The Forman’s living room. Kitty, Eric, Hyde and Laurie are sitting and waiting for Red.)

Kitty: Ok, well, now. Your father should be back from his interview any minute now.

Eric: Mom, how come we have to be here? I could be using this time to…not be here.

Kitty: No, this is a very difficult day for your father and he needs to be with his family.

Hyde: I’ll be in the basement.

Kitty: No, you sit!

Hyde: Oh, sure, when things get ugly, suddenly I’m family!

Laurie: Not to me, freak.

Hyde: You are so going to end up in porno!

(Red walks in.)

Kitty: Hi honey!

(He walks over to the bar and begins pouring a drink.)

Eric: Right to the bar. Not a good sign.

Red: What are you all looking at? Don’t you think that…Price Mart’s new supervisor deserves a drink?

Kitty: Yay!

Red: Yeah, I got it!

Eric: Hey, congratulations, Dad.

Red: Thanks, Eric. Oh! And you’re fired.

Eric: What, you can’t do that!

Red: Yes I can! You’re fired!

Eric: Hey, you know what? I’m not fired.

Red: Ok, if it’s so important to you, you’re not fired. But if your grades start to slip, you are fired! I love saying that!

Hyde: God help the poor bastards who work for you, huh?

Eric: (He laughs for a second.) Wait, uh, I work for you.

Red: I know!

(Eric and Red are walking out to the car.)

Eric: So Dad! You and me going to work together. What a nightmare, huh?

Red: Oh, would you look at that. (He points to Eric's nametag) They spelled your name wrong! (When Eric looks down, Red flicks his nose.)

Eric: Just doesn’t get old, does it?

(Bob walks up to them.)

Bob: Well, if it isn’t Benedict and Arnold.

Red: Bob, I needed that job. And if you can’t get that, well I’m sorry, you’re a dumbass.

Bob: (He points to Red's shirt) Look, they misspelled Price Mart!

Red: You wanna keep that finger?

Bob: Uh-huh. (He yanks his finger away.)

(The Forman’s basement. Kelso is sitting between Laurie and Jackie.)

Laurie: You gotta stop goofing around, Kelso. Am I right, Jackie?

Jackie: Laurie is so right, Michael. We are very disappointed in you. Even Eric got a job.

Laurie: Yeah, even my stupid brother got a job.

Hyde: Yeah, her brother’s stupid and he got a job.

(Donna walks downstairs.)

Donna: Sexy circle? (she slaps Kelso in the back of the head and leaves.)

Kelso: Ow!