I do NOT own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show “That 70’s Show”. They were created by Bonnie Turner, Terry Turner, and Mark Brazill and belong to them, Carsey-Werner and the FOX television network.

This is not a novelization or a script. It is a straightforward and direct transcript of the episode “Eric’s Stash”. It also includes descriptions of the settings, action scenes and camera movements where I felt they were needed.

I made every effort to accurately transcribe the dialogue from this episode. If you notice anything that is transcribed incorrectly, please let me know and I will post an update.

©1999 Kandigurl

(The basement. Red is installing a new water heater with the help of Eric, Hyde, and Fez.)

Red: Well boys, there she is. A brand new water heater. Ain’t she a beauty?

Eric: Yep. This is the best water heater ever! (he pauses momentarily.) God bless us every one.

Red: You know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?

Eric: ‘Cause he had a smart mouth?

Red: That’s right.

(He turns and goes up the stairs. The guys all sit down, Hyde in his chair, Eric on the back of the couch and Fez on the couch next to him.)

Eric: So. Guys. Tomorrow is the anniversary of Donna’s and my first kiss. And, just for that I’m gonna giver her something really special.

Fez: You’ve been trying to give her that for a year, and so far…

Eric: Not that. (He pulls out a catalogue.) Something nice.

Hyde: Forman, man, trust me, ok? Just pick her some flowers. The fact that you even remembered will guarantee you some action.

Fez: And who doesn’t love the action, huh?

Eric: (points to a picture we can’t see in the catalogue.) Check out this necklace.

(Hyde and Fez lean over to look.)

Hyde: Wow, man, is that real gold?

Eric: No.

Fez: Real diamonds?

Eric: No. But it costs sixty bucks.

(Fez and Hyde absorb this.)

Fez and Hyde: Nice!

Eric: Yeah! (He gets up.) So if you will all please avert your eyes, I have to, uh, get my secret stash of cash.

Hyde: What, you mean your Candy Land stash?

Eric: My Ca…(he forces laughter.) I don’t keep my money in the…Candy Land box!

Fez: You moved your money from the Candy Land box?

Eric: Oh, shut up and turn around! (He walks to the back of the basement and opens the Candy Land box. He brings it up to where the other guys are sitting.) Oh my god, you guys! Someone stole all my money.

Fez: From Candy Land? How could such a sad thing happen in such a happy place?

(That 70’s Show theme song plays)

(The basement. Hyde and Fez are on the couch watching TV.)

TV: And still champion, Muhammed Ali!

(Hyde gets up and turns off the TV.)

Hyde: All right, Fez, you lose. Gimmie five bucks.

(Fez groans and hands over the cash. Donna walks in.)

Donna: Hey! What’s going on?

Fez: I just lost five bucks on the Muhammed Ali fight.

Donna: Fez, that’s a re-run. That fight happened a week ago.

(Fez gives Hyde a stern look. Hyde caves in and hands Fez his money back.)

Donna: So, what are you guys doing?

Hyde: We’re playing Candy Land. (The camera pans out and we can see the board set up with pieces in place.)

Fez: And I’m stuck in the Marshmallow Mountain again. Vv Donna: Where’s Eric?

Hyde: I don’t know, he’s searching the house. He can’t find his money stash.

Donna: It’s not in the Candy Land box? (Jackie and Kelso walk in.)

Jackie: Oh my god, you guys! Guess who’s gonna be in the Miss Dairy Princess Pageant?

Fez: Oh, I know! A cow?

Jackie: No. Me!

Donna: A beauty pageant?

Jackie: Yeah! I mean, look, Donna. It’s not enough that we know I’m prettier than everyone else. I want the whole world to know!

Donna: And what better way to do it than to go onstage and parade around like a piece of meat?

Jackie: I know! I know! And get this! (She runs over to Kelso.) Michael is gonna be my pageant boy!

(Everyone tries to contain their laughter. Some don’t try very hard.)

Hyde: Pageant boy!

Kelso: Jackie, I am not a pageant boy, I’m a beauty coach!

Hyde: Yeah, that’s a lot better, Kelso.

Jackie: So, Donna! You wanna go see my gown?

(Donna thinks for about two seconds.)

Donna: Let’s go.

(Fez gets up from the couch.)

Fez: Oh, oh, I will help! I have a way with women’s hair. (Kelso and Hyde laugh.) Let’s go, girls. (All three leave.)

Hyde: Man, a beauty coach? What’s going on with you?

Kelso: When Jackie wins this pageant, I am gpnna be the guy with the hottest chick of all of the hot chicks!

Hyde: Yeah, Kelso, tha-that’s genius.

Kelso: Yeah. Just picture it…

(Kelso’s fantasy. He’s at the beauty pageant, and Jackie is lined up with a few other pretty girls.)

Announcer: And this year’s mis Dairy Princess is…Kelso’s girlfriend!

Kelso: Yes! (He shrieks with joy. They put a crown on him and give him flowers. All the girls run around him and stroke him while Jackie stays in the back.) Thank you! Thank you, Bob Lumace!

Bob: Mr. Kelso, now that you’ve been crowned, what’s going to be your first order of business?

Kelso: Well, as Mr. Dairy Princess, I would like to give milk products to all of those in need! And then someday, I would like to rule an entire hot-chick dairy kingdom! (the girls cuddle up to him.) Whoa, ho ho ho! Settle down, girls, there’s plenty of me to go around you.

(The scene returns to the basement where Kelso stands with a dreamy look. The look is one of confusion mixed with a little fear on Hyde’s and Eric’s faces.)

Kelso: Well. Kay, I gotta go win this thing!

(Kelso leaves.)

(The kitchen. Laurie is sitting at the kitchen table. Eric walks in.)

Eric: All right, where’s my money?

Laurie: What money?

Eric: The money you stole from my…(realizing she may not have stolen it, and not wanting to give away where it’s hidden.) special place.

Laurie: (laughs) You mean, the pathetic bundle of ones you keep in your little Candy Land game?

Eric: So, you admit you knew where it was!

Laurie: Ok, Eric, first of all you were a mistake. Ask mom and dad. And second, if I did steal it, I’d tell you to your face, and then I’d steal it more.

Eric: Yeah, that does sound like you, damn, who took my money?

(He sits down next to her.)

Laurie: Isn’t it obvious who took it? I mean, think about it. No morals, lack of character, bad reputation…

Eric: So you did take it!

Laurie: No, you idiot, Hyde! He’s staying down in the basement, he’s poor? He steals stuff?

Eric: No. No, Hyde wouldn’t do that to me.

Laurie: I’m sure you’re right, Eric. He’s a real good friend. (Eric nods and gets up. He walks to the door, but before he gets there…) So, Kelso tells me Hyde tried to steal Donna last year. Is that true?

Eric: No. I mean, well, he tried but he didn’t succeed.

Laurie: Hmmm, that’s not much better, is it, Eric?

Eric: Was I really a mistake?

Laurie: They sued the condom company.

(Jackie’s room. Jackie is in her pageant gown. Donna and Fez are in the room with her.)

Jackie: So? (She spins around once.) So, what do you think?

Fez: Jackie, if you want to win, that dress needs to be a lot shorter. (He claps his hands commandingly.) Get to Fez!

(Kelso walks into the room.)

Kelso: Hey! Jackie, let’s get to work!

Jackie: Well, Michael, we’ve already done a lot. I mean, I decided on this dress, and Fez is gonna do my hair.

Kelso: All right, but I-I’m gonna tell you something, Jackie. I’ve seen pictures of his people, and they aren’t pretty.

(Jackie shoots looks of confusion and concern between Kelso and Fez.)

Fez: Bite me, pageant boy.

Kelso: (in response, firmly.) Coach. All right, fine, I guess we could use the help. Fez, you can handle Jackie’s body and I’ll take care of her mind.

Donna: So Jackie, does the winner get a scholarship or something?

Kelso: Tsch, who cares? College is for ugly girls who can’t get modeling contracts.

Donna: No, college is for women who don’t wanna marry the first idiot they meet, and squeeze out his bastard moron children.

(The Forman’s living room. Kitty is folding laundry, and Eric is sitting next to her.)

Eric: Hey, mom. When you were cleaning up downstairs, you didn’t happen to come across sixty bucks, did you?

Kitty: Oh, Eric, did you lose your Candy Land cash?

Eric: Does everyone know where I keep my money?

Kitty: Oh, I’m sorry, honey, it was a good hiding place. Oh! Maybe you put it in Chutes and Ladders! (She laughs, thinking she’s made a good joke.)

Eric: No! I checked! I mean, I don’t know who could have taken it! At first, I thought it was Laurie, but…

Kitty: Oh, honey, no, Laurie wouldn’t steal from you, she steals from me.

Eric: Right. So that only leaves one person. I mean, he does live in the basement.

Kitty: Oh, ok, now, if you are talking about Steven, I’m gonna get mad. He’s a good apple, and he is your friend, and you can trust him.

Eric: Can I? I mean, no, mom, I hate thinking this, it’s just, it all adds up! I mean, if not Hyde, then…who?

Kitty: Well, it could be…(she shakes her head, trying to come up with a name. It’s obvious she can’t.) ok, you know what? I do not wanna talk about this anymore.

Eric: Ok. (He gets up, then sits back down.) Oh, heh, here comes a dumb question. Uh, I wasn’t a mistake, was I?

Kitty: Oh, for…for…(she stares at him momentarily, then breaks out into a grin.) Okay! Who wants some cocoa? (she laughs.)

(Jackie’s room. Jackie and Kelso are sitting across from each other.)

Kelso: Ok, Jackie, in thirty seconds or less, what do you hope to accomplish as Miss Dairy Princess, GO!

Jackie: Um…

Kelso: (waving his fingers back and forth and imitating a timer.) Dink, dink, dink, dink….

Jackie: Um…

Kelso: Dink, dink, dink, dink…

Jackie: UM….

Kelso: Dink. BURRRMM!! You just lost, lady!!

Jackie: Well, Michael, I was thinking!

Kelso: Oh, really? Well, in 1974, Miss Alabama started thinking. Do you know where she is now? Alabama.

Jackie: Eeew! God, Michael, I don’t wanna accomplish anything. I just want the title so I can lawyer it over people!

Kelso: That’s all I want too, Jackie! Ok, so the next category’s talent.

(Jackie thinks for a bit.)

Jackie: I can sing!

Kelso: Oh, no, you can’t sing.

(The basement. Eric, Kelso, Hyde and Fez are getting high. The camera swings from person to person.)

Eric: So. Boy, am I disappointed. I went to get my money, but, someone stole it. So, forget the fake gold necklace from Sears. Now I gotta get Donna a crappy gift!

Kelso: Hey, what would you guys rather see Jackie do? Walk a tightrope, or ride a mechanical bull?

Hyde: Well, either way, she’ll fall on her ass, so…I like ‘em both!

Fez: So, Eric, which rat bastard…do you think stole your money?

Eric: Well, I mean, it’s anyone’s guess. For all I know, I mean, it could be someone in this very room!

Fez: Whoa-ho-ho! How exciting. A mystery. Is Fez a suspect?

Eric: Yeah, probably not, Fez.

Fez: Why not? I can be evil! I hate you. See? (a pause.) Oh, Eric, I don’t hate you, I love you, I’m sorry!

Eric: That’s ok, Fez. And uh, I’m also pretty sure Kelso here didn’t take it.

Kelso: Hey, how long do you guys think Jackie can hold her breath?

Hyde: (with a look of sheer hate) Gee, inspector. So, if it isn’t Kelso, and it isn’t Fez, I wonder who you could suspect? Dillhole.

Fez: Uh-oh.

Eric: Hyde, I didn’t say you took it.

Kelso: You guys know what a funny word is? Pickle-weasel!

Hyde: Forman, then say I didn’t take it.

Fez: You are both bringing me down.

Eric: Hyde, why don’t you just say you didn’t take it?

(The camera swings past Kelso, who is laughing.)

Hyde: I shouldn’t have to say I didn’t.

(The camera swings past Fez, who is biting his nails nervously.)

Eric: Look, just tell me you didn’t, and I’ll totally trust you.

Kelso: You know what’s a funny word? Pickle weasel!

Hyde: How ‘bout I tell you this. Go to hell, Forman! (He gets up and leaves.)

Kelso: Oh my god, Jackie should clog dance! We can’t lose!

(Kelso’s van, on the way to the beauty pageant. Jackie and Fez are squished in the front seat with him.)

Kelso: Beauty pageant, here we come!

(The van starts making noises.)

Fez: Oh, you ran out of gas, you idiot!

Jackie: You forgot to get gas?

Kelso: God, Jackie, someone had to hem your outfit for the clog dance!

Jackie: Michael, I told you, I’m not doing a clog dance! God, your stupid van has ruined my life!

Kelso: Your life? What about my life?

Jackie: What ABOUT your life??

Kelso: Jackie, we are a team. And part of being a team is that you have to do exactly what I tell you! I mean, you know Jackie, there is no “you” in teamwork! (he leaves in a huff. Jackie watches him go, and starts to cry.)

Fez: Oh, Jackie, you’re upset. Come, sit on my lap.

(she climbs onto him.)

(A clearing somewhere. Donna and Eric are sitting on top of the Vista Cruiser.)

Eric: (He produces a small bouquet of flowers.) Ta-da! Happy anniversary!

Donna: (taking flowers.) Oh my god! Wow, they’re, they’re beautiful! I got you something, too! (She pulls out a little box.) Here, open it! (She gives it to him and he does.)

Eric: Oh my god! It’s a watch! And it’s all digital and stuff! (He turns it over. A little downtrodden:) Oh, gee, look at that, you had it engraved.

Donna: What, you don’t like it?

Eric: No, no, I love it, it’s just, man, you spent a lot of money on this.

Donna: Yeah, which means you better start putting out! (Eric is silent and doesn’t make any reaction to this.) Ok, it’s kinda hard to be a tease if you’re not playing along.

Eric: Donna, I was gonna get you something really great, but…

Donna: Yeah, I heard about the crime spree in Candy Land.

Eric: Yeah. Oh, you wanna see a picture of what I was gonna get you?

Donna: Sure. (He pulls out a picture of the necklace and hands it to her.) You were gonna get me that? Oh my god, that’s so pretty. What do you think, by Christmas maybe, if you save your money?

Eric: Donna!

Donna: Well, Eric, after seeing this, I mean, I hate these crappy flowers!

Eric: I know! I didn’t wanna give you crappy flowers!

Donna: (Laughing) I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I love the flowers. (She kisses him.) But you know…maybe if I return that watch, I can get this for myself. Gimmie the watch back.

(She reaches for it, but he holds it out of reach.)

Eric: No way! Donna: Gimmie it!

Eric: No, come and get it!

(They fall back, laughing.)

(Kelso’s van. Jackie and Fez are talking.)

Jackie: I don’t know, Fez. Maybe Michael was right. Maybe I don’t have what it takes to win a pageant by myself.

Fez: That is nonsense. You are pretty, and nice, and talented, and sweet, and everything good in the whole world is you.

Jackie: I know, I know, that’s what I told Michael! But then he said--

Fez: Who cares what Michael said? He was using you for your beauty so he could become popular. He makes me sick.

Jackie: God. I never thought of it that way.

(Kelso comes back up to the van.)

Kelso: Ok, Jackie? I’ve had some time to think. And, uh, I’m still disappointed in you. But I’m willing to talk about the whole thing.

Jackie: Ok, stop. Michael, stop. I’ve been talking to Fez, and I have only one thing to say to you. (a beat.) I love you!

Fez: WHAT???

Jackie: See, Michael, you must have really believed in me to think you could ride my coat tails to the top.

Kelso: Baby! (they hug. Fez is still squished between them.)

Fez: Oh, just get off me! Both of you! You make me sick!

(The basement. Red is putting money into the Candy Land box. Hyde comes out of the bathroom.)

Hyde: Hey, what are you doing, Red?

Red: I borrowed Eric’s Candy Land money to pay for the water heater.

Hyde: You, uh, you took Eric’s money?

Red: Shh! He doesn’t know a thing about it. It’s back now, he’ll be none the wiser!

(Eric walks in as Red is leaving.)

Red: Hey, hy! How ya doing?

(Eric walks past him and goes up to Hyde. Red leaves the room.)

Eric: Look. Hyde, I just got back from hanging out with Donna, and you know what, Hyde, I don’t even care what happened to my money. ‘Cause, money doesn’t make the world go round. You know what does?

Hyde: Screw you, you called me a theif.

Eric: It’s love, that’s right. Love makes the world go round.

Hyde: Well, that’s great. Because, Red took your money.

Eric: (laughs) Right, Hyde, my dad took it. Yeah.

(Red walks back in.)

Hyde: Why don’t you ask him, Forman?

Eric: (to Red) Uh, dad, Hyde said you took my money?

Red: Oh, yeah, I was a little short on the water heater. Thanks for helping out!

Eric: (turning back to Hyde) Good news, buddy, you’re cleared!

Hyde: Why don’t you get bent, man!

Red: Wait a minute, you accused Steven of stealing your money?

Eric: Well, yeah, but to be fair, dad, that’s before I found out you stole it. Which, brings up why you didn’t ask me, and, also, you know, you could’ve told me. (Red just glares at him.) Well, you could’ve.

Red: Ok. I’m sorry that I took some money out of your little box. When I feed you, and clothe you, and put a roof over your head. Soooorrrrry. Now. How could you do that to Steven? He’s your best friend.

Eric: Well, he made a move on Donna.

Hyde: Oh, come on!

Red: Ok. Well then, there’s only one thing that we can do. Nine rounds of bare knuckle boxing. Come on. Help me move the couch.

(He leans against the couch attempting to move it.)

Eric: Wait, uh, dad, I don’t—

Red: No, no, no, no. I’ll referee. Believe me, when it’s over, you’ll both feel great. I know I will!

Hyde: Red…

Red: Look! If you’re not mad enough to bare knuckle box then you’re not mad. Now both of you need to just get the hell over it! (He leaves the room.)

Eric: One again, Red’s simple earthy wisdom saves the day.

Hyde: Yeah, ain’t he a peach.

Eric: Look, Hyde. I just…god, I’m so sorry.

Hyde: You know what, man? You either forgive me for what happened with Donna, or you don’t. But you can’t keep throwing that in my face.

Eric: Yeah, yeah, you’re right. Um, it’s over. I’m never gonna bring it up again, I promise.

Hyde: Yeah, all right. (They shake hands, and Hyde notices Eric’s new watch.) Whoa! Man, she got you this watch and all you got her were those crappy flowers? You loser!

Eric: You loser!