I first realized it when I found myself lying in a pile of cow dung, something I didn't enjoy much, it wasn't so much the smell of it that disgusted me, it was the feel of it, and the fact that i was covered in it that I didn't like....
I loved it....
No, I didn't...
Yes, I did...
Who cares, the point is that I was laying in a pile of feces, something that most people would abhor, actually everyone except you... me, whatever I ... you are .. am.
Get on with the story.
Thank you. As i was saying, it took lying in a pile of cow droppings for me to realize that I, we might have a problem. By now you've probably figured out that I, we are schizophrenic. Okay, from now on when I, we say the word "I" it means me along with everybody else in this body.
It wasn't so much the lying in cow excrement that tipped me off to the fact that I was schizophrenic. It was the conversation that ensued because of the fact that i was lying in fertilizer:
"Hey, Bob, why are u laying in that cow shit?"
"What, who's Bob?"
"You're Bob."
"No, I'm not."
"C'mon, quit joking around."
"I'm not joking around. I told you I'm not Bob, my name is Henry, Henry Jones. What gave you the idea that my name was Bob?"
"That's what you told me when I met you yesterday."
"That's impossible! First of all, I've never seen you before in my life, and second of all, I was in a meeting yesterday with the Tokohamas, they were interested in buying a patent from my company,SRC inc."
"SRC, SRC, where have i heard that name before? Oh yeah, that was the builking that burnt down yesterday. Wait a minute! That proves that you were lying about being in a meeting yesterday."
"Today's the sixteenth, right? And my meeting was on the fifteenth. And i know i was at the meeting because i can remember Mr. Tokohama telling a joke about two preists who went into a bar..."
"I think todays the seventeenth," he checks his watch, "yep its the seventeenth alright."
I looked at my watch, first I had to clear off a piece of dung which found itself there, and he was right, it was the seventeenth. "You're right."
"I know I am."
"You know your what?"
"Right."
"About what?"
"About it being the seventeenth."
"I already knew it was the seventeenth."
"No, you didn't, you thought it was the sixteenth."
"No, I didn't, cause i came here yesterday, and that was the sixteenth."
"Oh, so now you remember coming here Yesterday. And I guess that you're going to say that your name isn't Henry Jones."
"Part of me is Henry Jones, but part of me is also Bob Smith, and there used to be a part of me that went by the name John Hare, but I didn't like him so I killed him."
"Who am I talking to now?"
"Bob."
"Are you a schizophrenic or something?"
"Yes, but don't tell Henry."
"Why can't I tell him that you're a schizophrenic?"
"What about me being a schizophrenic?"
"You just said that.....nevermind."
Well, that's how I found out, and here I am sitting in this shrink's waiting room reading a three year old magazine. There's another guy in the waiting room with me who's here because he can't control his anger and he occasionally beats his wife.
What's wrong with that?
He hurts her.
So, everybody needs to get the shit kicked ot of them once in a while. She should be glad that she's being beaten by someone who loves her.
Good point, but I still don't think it's right.
I don't care.
What if it was you being beaten?
I wouldn't care, even I need to be put in my place every so often.
It was then that I began to beat myself upside the head, an unfortunate side effect. I didn't stop until I was forced to by two large men in white suits.
After the two men took me into a back room and strapped me into a bed, so that I could no longer beat myself, or anybody else, the shrink came in. He gave me some valium. It worked.
"What's your name?" asked the doctor.
"Henry Jones."
"What's your name?"
"I just told you my name is Bob Smith, now leave me alone!"
"Okay, what's your name?"
"John.....," my voice faded.
"What was that?'
"Henry Jones."
"Okay, Henry, why were you beating yourself?"
"Because I told him to."
"Who am I talking to now?"
"This is Bob, I told him that everybody needs to be beaten at one time or another, you know to keep them in thier place. This just happened to he his time."
"Does he do everything that you tell him to do?"
"Yes."
"What else have you had him do?"
"Oh, I don't know, lots of stuff. Like setting fires, lying in cow shit, and other stuff along those lines."
"I would prefer if you didn't use that type of language."
"I don't give a shit."
"If you don't desist from speaking in this manner I will be forced to put a gag on you."
"Go ahead, SHIT SHIT SH..."
"Don't say that I didn't warn you. Not that we have to worry about you saying anything."
Then the valium really kicked in and I fell asleep, only to find myself in a straight jacket. Atleast they took of the gag.
There was a police officer wating at my door. He came in when I woke up.
"Did you burn down the SRC building on Saturday the sixteenth?"
"No, not that I can recall. . . he can't remember, but I can."
"Huh, what's going on here?"
"You have just entered the Twilight Zone."
"O-kay, that's nice."
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
"You know, the whole Twilight Zone thing."
"Twilight Zone, great show, but what does it have to do with me?"
"You said that I 'just entered the Twilight Zone.'"
"No, I didn't . . . Yes, I did . . . No, I didn't."
This annoyed and confused the officer. "Why are you here anyway?"
"I'm a schizo."
"So, what, you've got like twenty-three people inside of you? That must be painful."
"I've only got three people in me, and that's painful enough. By the way, what's your name?"
"Jeff Harbinger."
"Do you have a family?"
"Yes, wait a minute, I'm supposed to be the one asking the questions."
"Go ahead, ask your questions."
"Where were you on the sixteenth?"
"I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"Well I remember going home after a long meeting on the fifteenth, but the next thing that I remember is waking up in a pile of cow manure on the seventeenth."
"Could you ask the other people in there if they know where you were on the sixteenth?"
"No, they don't just come out whenever I want them to . . . I can, this is Bob, I can come out whenever I want to, and I can tell you where we were on the sixteenth."
"Where were you?"
"Well, first we went to work, we found out that the Tokohamas didn't like us and didn't buy the patent. This made our boss very mad and, well, he fired us."
"What then?"
"Then we went home and rested for a while. Then we went back to SRC, the place of our former employment, and burned down the building."
"The building has natural gas heating, and all it took was one misplaced match and the building went up in flames."
"Then what?"
"Then we ran ou to a farm on the other side of town, so as to set up an alibi. I met with the owner of the farm. He let me stay in his house, but after he fell asleep I went out in the field to sleep. I sleep better in an open sky."
"Which one of you dropped the match?"
"John."
"John, i haven't met John yet."
"He's hiding, he's afraid of getting caught."
After the news got out that I was the one who burnt down the SRC building I became the most hated person in town. I recieved a lot of nasy letters, most of them threatening my life."
End it!
Why?
Because I said so.
I'm not listening to you anymore.
Listen to me.
Who is this?
John. END IT NOW!! END IT! END IT!