The North Side

Where Moss Grows in Abundance Written, produced, edited and copyrighted by the Voice

Story: The St. Valentine's Day Massacre

Everybody get ready to experience a massive heart attack due to shock, because you will never, not once, in a million years, guess what just happened: Agent M launched yet another moronic campaign to end crime at Deal.

This will be done by a multi-step program of banning dancing, loud talking, cursing, shirts hanging out, pixie sticks and the act of letting people go where they want to after school. It would seem that laws this strict would be more appropriate in a prison than in a school. In all fairness, though, I should point out that this is not a good comparison. Prisoners always have the right to eat pixie sticks.

The thing that troubles the Voice most of all is the logic behind this, not the rules themselves. When the Voice came here in 1995, the number of violent crime incidents at Deal was exactly 0. In eighth grade, the statistic remained at 0. Now, in almost all other D.C. Public schools, where the threat of crime is basically a way of life, a statistic like this would be hailed as the Second Coming of God. However, Agent M never accepts the Status Quo. Deal will always be Above and Beyond the rest of the D.C. Public School system. Thus, Mr. Moss has apparently decided that zero is not low enough for Deal.

Mr. Moss, I beg you, for once in your life, listen to what I have to say: if you do not have a problem, then you will not be able to find a solution. This basic rule will remain true no matter how many new rules you invent and no matter how hard you enforce those rules. Deal does not have a problem. Therefore, you will not be able to find a solution.

You would think that Agent M would comprehend this basic bit of logic, but apparently his brain is wired wrong or something, because logic is definitely not one thing Agent M has, to date, demonstrated in tremendous qualities (here I am thinking of the classic Moss quote "this kid brought a little knife to school. It was too small to stab someone with, but I transferred him out anyway. He got severely beaten a day later. But this is not my fault"). The logic behind this new policy initiative is very bad. These laws are trying to solve a nonexistent problem.

"But wait" say teachers and students who actually, for some unknown reason, think that this is a good idea (the Voice thinks it's brainwashing). "At least there will be no opportunity for future violent criminals to come in and terrorize the school!"

Excuse me while I laugh so hard that my keyboard is short-circuited by drool. Even if these laws actually had a threat to deal with, they would still fail. This is because Mr. Moss has once again demonstrated the reasoning abilities of a brick, in this particular instance by deciding that these laws should only target a few of the many ways to conceal weapons. Either that, or else Mr. Moss really truly does not realize that there are ways to conceal weapons other than underneath someone's shirt.

Plus we have our wonderful other laws that Agent M will now launch a Zero Tolerance effort on. The worst of these are not being able to go where you want after school and not being able to eat pixie sticks. I do not know why Agent M has decided that we can't go places after school (once again, it probably has to do with the logic thing). Exactly what does he think that we plan to do after school by going to a restaurant? Commit random acts of violence? That would be a great theory except that the people most likely to do violent things are the kids least likely to obey Agent M orders not to hang around after school. Nor do I know why Mr. Moss has decided that pixie sticks can not be eaten during lunch. Maybe he thinks we're hiding weapons in empty pixie sticks.

Well, despite all my ranting and raving, I see the nice man with the lithium is still here and so I have to go. So, until the next breathtakingly dumb new policy by Agent M:

The Voice Has Spoken