.quotes.
Updated Wednesday, 10 January 2001 - 11:37 PM CST

Thinking Quotes
Comedy Quotes
Deep Thoughts
Great Minds in the Spotlight
Great Minds in Sports

Thinking Quotes:

"Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after."
-- Henry David Thoreau

"Sometimes it's what you don't do that makes you who you are."
-- Anonyomous

"There's only one thin red line between the sane and the mad."
-- Anonyomous

"The past is pregnant with the present."
-- Gottfried Leibniz

"Kill them with kindness."
-- Anonyomous

"Nice guys finish last."
-- Billy Joe (Green Day)

Comedy Quotes:

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
-- Groucho Marx

"Ever stop to think and forget to start again?"
-- A Bumper Sticker

"Remember, there are no stupid questions...there are just stupid people that ask questions."
-- Chris Berman

"Women...always leaving when you just had the crap kicked out of ya."
-- Brodie (Jason Lee) from Mallrats
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"Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn for Sega."
-- Brodie (Jason Lee) from Mallrats
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"I am not a crook."
-- Former President Richard Nixon

"Any President that lies to the American people should resign."
-- Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton, in 11974 political debate

Great Minds in the Spotlight:

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey

Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?"
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA coontest

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become the spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentuucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest cime rates in the country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C..

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon being drafted by thhe Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton, commenting on the rrelease of subpoenaed documents

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
-- Former French President Charles De GGaulle

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jack@$$, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas
"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet."
-- Mr. New Jersey contestant when askedd what he would do with a million dollars

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
-- Former British foreign minister Erneest Bevin

Deep Thoughts:

"As I felt the soft, cool mud squish between my toes, I thought: Man, these are not very good shoes!"
-- Jack Handey

"If practice makes perfect and no one is perfect, why practice?"
-- Anonyomous

"Life is funny. One minute you're a little kid, running through a meadow, and the next, you're a skeleton, walking through a meadow, with dogs chasing you."
-- Anonyomous

Great Minds in Sports:

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Minnesota Football Great and Former 3M Executive Jerry Wallin 1996
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"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
-- Senior basketball player at the Univversity of Pittsburgh
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"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
-- Bill Peterson, a Florida State footbball coach
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"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
-- Bill Peterson, a Florida State footbball coach
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Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements:
"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
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Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
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Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%@# clothes."
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Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece:
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
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Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships:
"I've won at every level, except college and pro."
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Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
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1992- Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record:
"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
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1982 - Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
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1981 - Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations:
"He wants Texas back."
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1966 - Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning:
"One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?"
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1981 - Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis:
"I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."
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1991 -Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books:
"But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."
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1986 - Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs:
"I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."
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1991 - Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons:
"It's basically the same, just darker."
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1996 - Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote:
"I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."
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1991 - Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers:
"He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that mean's we're not going to any more bowl games."
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1986 - LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children:
"They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets."
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1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care."
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1991 - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.
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1987 - Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

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