"It's not fair," he insisted in a recent interview at the Lucas County Animal Control Center, where he is being held, "My wife needed groceries."
It seems Mr. Nutbutter was indignant about the fact that a local line of cookie, "Squirrelly Delights", had been discontinued.
"He went nuts," commented one unidentified witness. "I've never seen a furry little squirrel so furious. He ranted for ten minutes about suing the store, and then the company which created the short-lived cookie. He said they were the only treats his kids would eat."
The owner of the store tried to pacify Mr. Nutbutter by offering him some of the store's wide supply of peanuts, hazelnuts, and pecans at half price, but Mr. Nutbutter would have none of it. He bit the owner on the hand.
While staying at the Animal Control Center, Mr. Nutbutter has undergone behavioral testing. The owner of the store has declined comment.
Stolen Truck Ring Perpetrated by Unidentified White Squirrel
"He zipped right by me in Pete's truck," described one bewildered witness, indicating a friend. "He had a bushy tail and black beady eyes. He snickered at me as he went past, and nearly run himself intoa tree in the process."
Police have suspects, but declined comment. Some speculation suggests it's Snowball, the pet squirrel gone bad. The family which allegedly took him in could not be reached for comment.
Fluffy Gray Squirrel seen at bombing of 100-year-old Tree
NEW JERSEY--An historic monument was viciously destroyed by 6, 897,597 sticks of dynamite obtained from a fireworks company in Budapest. Three unoccupied houses were taken out by the explosion. Horation Pecanfest, a local squirrel with a string of misdemeanors and minor felonies on his rap sheet, was reportedly sighted at the scene of the crime by three unrelated witnesses.
Mrs. Linda Antonio-Smith, a local shop owner whose business is located just half a block from the bomb site, said, "I knew Horatio well. He's been coming into my store since he was a little squirrel to buy peanut butter for his mom. Once I caught him pilfering graham crackers. The nerve! I called his mother immediately, and I heard she smacked him good."
One witness, who prefers to remain nameless, said, "I know it was Horatio. He spent all afternoon hanging around that tree. Carrying things back and forth. I wondered what he was doing with that lighter, till I heard the KA-BOOM! How do I know it was him? Let's just say we go way back. I'd know that whiskery little mug anywhere."
The other witness would not give an official statement, but contended Horatio was indeed the culprit. Mr. Pecanfest was taken into custody yesterday by local police.
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