The North Side

Where Moss Grows in Abundance Written, produced, edited and copyrighted by: the Voice

"Revenge is the Best Medicine"

Story: Bald Eagle Becomes Even Balder

Well, the Voice never thought it was humanly possible, but Agent Bald Eagle has managed to become balder and even less attractive than before. Agent Bald Eagle made the shrewd move to shave his head. Why would he do this? Does he think he can fool us into believing that he was born with no hair at all? Does he want to turn his head into a Mosquito Bombing Zone? Does he think he looks better?

Well, I can tell him that if it was the latter, it did not work. This bold fashion statement has transformed him from someone who looks like a short, unattractive, mean person to someone who looks like a five foot high thumb, or perhaps some other body part, like a five foot high piece of the male anatomy which the Voice shall not discuss in detail. The Voice, taking into account the new appearance, believes it is time for another name to be applied to Agent Bald Eagle: Tom Thumb.

This name was chosen because I needed a companion to Bald Eagle; I thought that he could not get any balder when I chose the original name, but he proved me wrong, so I have to think of another name to describe his current state. Anything from Radiation Victim to Sahara Desert to Jupiter could describe the amount of natural vegetation this man has left on his head, and I feel that any of them could suffice, so you may see them interchangeably. Another one of the Voice's favorites is BBB or Big Bald Bug (the last word, by the way, can be replaced with a bad word of your choice).

Another thing that entered the Voice's head was the extraordinarily poor taste showed by Sahara in choosing the look so favored by extreme rightists, Marines and neo-Nazis. Now, the Voice is not about to say anyone bald should be associated with one of these three groups, but in light of the behavior exhibited by Agent Bald Eagle, the Voice feels that these are relatively accurate in dealing with his perception among most of the students. But perhaps I am overstating things. After all, most Marines can indeed perform rudimentary tasks such as long division, or naming the capital of Syria. And even if not, it is relatively permissible, because Marines are not History teachers. Yes, it is true: Agent Jupiter is indeed on the books as a teacher.

My question is: what on earth can he teach? In my dealings with him, he seems about as competent in getting information across as sheep would be in building a nuclear submarine. Where other teachers gently ask you to stop talking, Agent Tom Thumb ties duct tape around your mouth and threatens you with an X-Acto knife if you repeat your law-breaking ways. Assuming he does not have the ability to change himself at the level of someone like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, he would not have the ability to effectively teach anything. I mean, he does not seem like the kind of teacher to schedule a CR on the morality of the death penalty; he seems like the kind of teacher to schedule a CR on which is the most painful and therefore best way to perform the death penalty, or something on 101 ways to torture someone, or whatever. There is no way someone who does not know the capital of India could be a history teacher; real history teachers are required to know these things.

The Voice's theory is that this is no history class at all; this is a place people go for some scary sounding euphemism like "reeducation" or whatever Agent M may choose to call it. While 101 ways to torture someone probably is indeed a lesson, it is probably not a CR but instead a firsthand demonstration to kids who violated some imaginary law like the Dress Code one too many times. And I do mean firsthand. Agent Bald Eagle has demonstrated in the past his willingness to be "morally flexible", and Agent M is smart enough to use him in this purpose. That is why, when you ask people who they had for history, none of them ever say Agent Bald Eagle. Everyone who took the "reeducation course" was probably taken into the "disciplinator" and is now "put on restrictions" or, in our terms, "dead," which eliminates all possible obstacles on the way to the conquest of Earth by BBB's fellow bug creatures from Saturn. However, with a "Roach Motel" or a "rocket launcher" I am intent on making sure that bugs check in, but they don't check out.