By Paul Butler and Eli Zigas

The Fleecing of Eden and the Emperor

We've all read the story of the emperor and his new clothes. You all have heard about that silly old coot who went around town all loosey-goosey. I can understand how he could get fooled, but what I don't get is why he wanted clothes at all, and didn't just run around town as nature intended!!

What caveman millennia ago decided that after he ate the sabertooth he should wear him??? Was it some providential intervention that branded nakedness bad or was it his hairy wife who didn't have a monkey claw to shave with. I mean, Adam and Eve enjoyed their nakedness in Eden in biblical times, so does eating an apple a day mean billions for Ralph Lauren? Today we live in a society which is the product of the fleecing of Eden.

For years and years after this terrible day, monarchs and power mongers alike have all cherished their clothing, maybe with the exception of a Khan. This fashion desire has been passed throughout the generations to our day where almost everywhere on the globe, children pester their parents to buy the latest Tommy, while they themselves are saving up to buy some Gucci. You can walk into any mall, which by definition is a shopping Mecca, and find hundreds of stores catering to the unrelenting fetish desires of famished fashion flunkies.

T hat brings us to the next layer in our clothing discussion. . . Who do Ralph and Tommy and their hordes think they are??? More importantly, who do we think WE are??? Fashion magnates spend our time and gain our money by throwing together some material that either comes from the end of a caterpillar or the back of a sheep. They then drape it on an anorexic woman who walks the fashion photographer's plank in Paris, Milan, or New York. And what do we do??? We soak this up like a rain starved sponge in Tegucigalpa.

W hat's so appealing about the clothing? Are there so many men and women who are insecure about their appearance that they must spend their hard earned wages on fluffy fabric? Is it an international aphrodisiac that utilizes foreplay before procreation. . . an eternal game of hide-and-go-seek? Maybe the clothes are appealing because "Tommy says so". The age old belief that if something costs more, it must be better might hold true for this strange phenomenon. A five hundred dollar, silk lace Victoria Secret panty must have some advantages over your natural, environmentally-friendly, biodegradable Backyard Maple Leaf(R), the real Fruit of the Loom.

Further, isn't our ingenuity amazing. We humans can convert a mammal that chews its own digested cud, into a tight fitting, symmetrical streak of cloth that is suspended from the waist. Also, while I'm watching the impeachment hearings of our contemporary President, who at times removes the oppressive burden of his clothes, my viewing enjoyment is interrupted by a slightly-annoying, ever present, jingle stating that a weed fibre is "the fabric of our lives". We, the most favored by natural selection have used our benevolently gifted brain wattage to utilize the hemp plant for both a pleasure inducing narcotic and a useful cloth.

In my eyes, there is only a select few of my peers on this planet who fully understand the freedoms of our existence. Unfortunately, they are despised, ridiculed, and relegated to isolated communities as were our old feared friends, the Lepers. I speak of those brave souls who have taken steps to break free of the clothing and fashion shackles that bind the rest of us poor, nev, ignorant, and weak mortals and taken residence in nudist colonies. I salute those who have done so and implore all who read this to follow in their exemplary path.

This is a call to the end of the dominant rule of clothing in our lives! My fellow fashion afflicted compatriots, rise against the tyranny of Versace, Armani, Cartier, and Hanes! Discard your unnecessary weight. Gather your children, your poor pets, and your grandparents who don't know any better, and shed your vile clothes into the washing machine. Then, travel to the nearest land fill, and as you frolic naked on the fertile Earth, toss these machines into the abyss. Repressed nudists of the world unite, you have nothing to lose but your clothes, follow the Emperor and un-fleece the world!!