Disney Humor

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm." - Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairygodmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other...."

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said,

"Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said

"No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."

All Aboard

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said:

"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train, cause we're going down the tracks!"

The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say:

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added:

"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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