The Defenders #2
“Tell Me About Your Mother”
by Stephen Warren

TRANSCRIPTION OF SESSION 1... SPIDER-MAN

DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Can you please take of your mask?
SPIDER-MAN: No.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Well, it’s hard to do this with those big eyes looking at me. It’s unprofessional.
SPIDER-MAN: Look, just because I agreed to a psyche test, doesn’t mean that I’m willing to spill my secret identity.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: How’s it so secret?
SPIDER-MAN: It’s secret, in that you don’t know about it. I’d like to keep it that way.
There is a short pause.
SPIDER-MAN: Why don’t we just start.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Okay.
Another short pause. A ruffling of paper.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Alright. It says here that you started out as a television performer. Is that correct?
SPIDER-MAN: Yes. I did a short stint as a wrestler...
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Didn’t you only have one fight.
SPIDER-MAN: I said a short stint. Anyway, after that I had a short-run...
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Season long.
SPIDER-MAN: ...television series.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Why’d you stop? Your ratings were at their peak. Not only did you stop but you also aided the police in a arrest of a criminal and became a vigilante.
SPIDER-MAN: I prefer to think of myself as a super-hero.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: I’m sorry. But, why the change from a successful television star to a... super-hero.
SPIDER-MAN: Well, I learned that I had been given a gift. I learned that with great power comes great responsibility.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: That’s quite a switch to have happened so quickly. How did you learn this lesson?
SPIDER-MAN: Something happened to me.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Could you be more specific?
SPIDER-MAN: A close family member was injured.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Which family member?
SPIDER-MAN: I’d rather not say.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Father’s side or mother’s side?
SPIDER-MAN: Look, I’d rather not say.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Alright. And you felt that you owed it to them to honor their memory by helping others who also need help?
SPIDER-MAN: Pretty much, yes.
A short pause.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: So, you’ve been hounded your entire career, pretty much, by J. Jonah Jameson?
SPIDER-MAN: Yes.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: How does that make you feel?
SPIDER-MAN: Well, Jonah and I have a playful relationship. He likes to hunt me and I like to play gags on him.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Why do you think that it is that he doesn’t trust you?
SPIDER-MAN: Jonah is a good man, an honest. I respect him for that if nothing else. When he looks at me he sees a masked man, a possible threat. He suspects me because he thinks I hide behind a mask. I am sorry that he cannot trust me, but I understand why he doesn’t.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: So, you hold no resentment towards your constant tormentor?
SPIDER-MAN: No. I only wish him well.
Sound of writing.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: How do you feel about being on a team? Of being a team player?
SPIDER-MAN: I feel great about it. I feel that with some good teamwork, almost any team can snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Where do see yourself in the team?
SPIDER-MAN: In what fashion?
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: What do you offer to the team that no one else could.
SPIDER-MAN: Sharp wit and a great personality?
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: So you must be the team jokester?
SPIDER-MAN: No, not seriously.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Then what do you offer the team?
SPIDER-MAN: Enhanced strength and agility, wall-walking and web-swinging. I also have a advanced degree in science.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: From what college?
SPIDER-MAN: I’d rather not say.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: In what state?
SPIDER-MAN: I’m not going to answer that.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: From what year?
SPIDER-MAN: It’s none of your business what year I graduated.
A long pause. A lot of writing.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Do you see yourself as having any weaknesses?
SPIDER-MAN: Well, I find myself an emotional man.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: So you have mood swings?
SPIDER-MAN: Not quite. It’s just however I feel, I feel that way for a long time.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: So you are slow to anger and calm down?
SPIDER-MAN: Yeah, pretty much.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: How do you feel about your teammates?
SPIDER-MAN: They’re great.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: She-Hulk?
SPIDER-MAN: Lovely person, she’s loads of fun to hang out with.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: What kind of relationship do you to have?
SPIDER-MAN: What are you implying?
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Are you... lovers?
SPIDER-MAN: No!
A long pause. Much more writing.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Do you hold any revenge in your heart for She-Hulk of having denied you completely?
SPIDER-MAN: No, she’s a lovely person who would never denied anyone what they needed.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: So, you’re saying that She-Hulk’s a whore?
SPIDER-MAN: No! I’m saying that she was a very generous person.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: In everything?
SPIDER-MAN: Yes.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: So, she gives of herself freely?
SPIDER-MAN: No! When she got her picture printed in a porno magazine she was pissed that any man would see her naked?
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: So, you’re saying that she wanted women to see her naked?
SPIDER-MAN: No, she didn’t want anyone seeing her naked.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: What magazine issue was this.
SPIDER-MAN: blah blah balah #3
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Do you own this magazine?
SPIDER-MAN: I don’t think that’s relevant.
A long pause. A whole lot of writing.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: How do you feel about USAgent?
SPIDER-MAN: Jack?
A small pause
SPIDER-MAN: He’s a good fighter.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Anything else good about him?
SPIDER-MAN: He fights for right. I just think him too violent. He’s also a little hard to get along with.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Wolverine?
SPIDER-MAN: Another good fighter.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: How do you feel about the man himself?
SPIDER-MAN: He’s a little less violent than Jack, but not too much. He’s a great drinking buddy though.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Do you drink often?
SPIDER-MAN: Not really, hardly touch the stuff.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: I don’t want to get you upset.
SPIDER-MAN: I’m not upset.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Well, now you’re just defensive.
SPIDER-MAN: I’m not defensive.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Please calm down.
SPIDER-MAN: I am calm!
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: We can come back to some of that unresolved anger later.
SPIDER-MAN: It’s alright.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Let’s just move on. How do you feel about the Hulk?
SPIDER-MAN: I look forward to seeing Bruce, again. I hope that he is better than I saw him last.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: How was he last time you saw him?
SPIDER-MAN: He was in bad shape. He had gotten stuck in the body of the Hulk.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: So, he was one of the strongest and smartest men in the world?
SPIDER-MAN: Yeah.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: And you want him to do better than that? Spider-Man, I think that we need to talk about your impossible expectations for your friends.
SPIDER-MAN: No we don’t.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER You want to ignore it?
SPIDER-MAN: There’s nothing to ignore!
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Yes there is!
There is a pause
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Well, now you’re just ignoring me.
SPIDER-MAN: Let’s just move on.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Fine, then. I’ll play your little game. How do you feel about Deathlok?
SPIDER-MAN: Not much of a personality to like or dislike. He’s fought for good many times and I would happily fight by his side.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: So you find him a dry boring twit?
SPIDER-MAN: No.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Then, explain it, in your own words.
SPIDER-MAN: He’s just a private man, is all. He keeps to himself and that makes it hard to be his friend.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: So you leave him to burn in his own private hell? That’s your idea of teamwork?
SPIDER-MAN: No!
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: It’s not mine either.
SPIDER-MAN: What’s your problem with me?
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: You perceive their to be a rift between us?
SPIDER-MAN: You’re damn right I do.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: No need for language.
Bell rings.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: I’m sorry, our time is up. Thank you. On your wait out could you please send in....?

TRANSCRIPTION OF SESSION 2... USAGENT
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER:... USAgent?
Long pause. Door opens then closes there is a few moments of them sitting down.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: So USAgent, for the record, what is your real name?
USAGENT: It is Jack Walker.
A small bit of paper sorting and moment of confusion.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: What? I thought your name was Jack Daniels.
USAGENT: It is.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: But, I thought you said your name was Jack Walker?
USAGENT: Did I? I couldn’t have done that.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Yes, you did.
USAGENT: No, I remember telling you it was Jack Danials.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: (quietly) Well, I’ll check the transcription later.
USAGENT: What?
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Nothing.
USAGENT: Oh, okay.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: You were a founding member of the currently disbanded Force Works, correct?
USAGENT: Correct.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: You were also a member of the currently disbanded West Coast Avengers, correct?
USAGENT: That is also correct.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Were you not the force behind Hawkeye’s resignation of the Avengers and his brutal beatings months after?
USAGENT: Yes, I was.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Didn’t the United Nations demote you from active Avengers status?
USAGENT: Yes, they did.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Hasn’t your attitude been overall pretty violent in nature?
USAGENT: It had been for a long time, yes.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: But not anymore?
USAGENT: No, sir. Not anymore.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: So, you’ve been personally involved in the failure of two teams, beaten a fellow member of a team, been demoted by the most powerful law-making body, and up until now, an overall rat bastard?
USAGENT: That’s not quite the way I look at it...
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: But that is the truth?
USAGENT: In a manner of speaking...
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: So it is! What could you possibly offer that the team needs?
USAGENT: I’m a hard worker. I’ve worked a lot on my anger and have gained a lot of control on myself.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: What powers do you have?
USAGENT: I am a human in peak condition.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: So, you’re pretty much the same as Captain America, right down to the shield, aren’t you?
USAGENT: I don’t have a shield anymore.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t give you that little credit you deserve for not being a complete rip off of Captain America.
USAGENT: Look, can we please move on?
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Fine. What do you think of your teammates?
USAGENT: They’re all good fighters.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: How do you feel about Spider-Man?
USAGENT: A good guy, he lacks discipline though.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Hulk?
USAGENT: He needs to control himself.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Wolverine?
USAGENT: Great guy. Terrific, really.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: She-Hulk?
USAGENT: Great body.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: What?
USAGENT: Great person.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: That’s not what you said.
USAGENT: She’s really great person.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Do you see yourself as having any weaknesses?
USAGENT: If I had to pick a weakness, it would be my anger. It is something haunts me everyday of my life. I can only hope to contain it, never will I be rid of it.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Boo-hoo.
USAGENT: You hideous man!
Sound of a man jumping to his feet and stomping away.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Could you please send in...

TRANSCRIPTION OF SESSION 3... WOLVERINE

DOCTOR KATZENBURGER:... Wolverine?
Sound of the door opening and closing. The door opens and closes again.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Well, mister Wolverine, what is your real name?
WO: Logan.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: That you first or last name?
WO: Yep.
There is a long pause.
WO: Look, bub, I’m didn’t come here to sit on my can. Ya got some serious questions fire away, otherwise I’m gonna walk out that door.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: What do you think of your teammates?
WO: If I didn’t like ‘em, I wouldn’t be here.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Have you ever been intimate or thought of being intimate with She-Hulk?
The sound of someone standing up and walking out. The door opens and closes.

TRANSCRIPTION OF SESSION 4... DR. BRUCE BANNER

Door opens.
BRUCE BANNER: Uh... I just saw Wolverine leave, I am lined up after him? Is it my turn?
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: It’s quite alright, come on in, Doctor Banner.
BRUCE BANNER: Thank you.
A footstep. The door closes. More footsteps.
BRUCE BANNER: So, what do you want to talk about?
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Let’s start with She-Hulk, if we may.
BRUCE BANNER: Fine. Jennifer’s a fine girl.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: She’s your cousin, right?
BRUCE BANNER: Yes. Got her powers through a blood transfer from me.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Do you ever think of She-Hulk in a sexual nature?
BRUCE BANNER: No.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: How would you describe your sex life?
BRUCE BANNER: None of your business.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Okay, what do you think of your teammates?
BRUCE BANNER: I don’t have teammates. I’m a scientist, I work in the lab. I’m not running around in spandex, fighting to save the world.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Then, why are you here? The lab scientists get examined tomorrow.
BRUCE BANNER: Really?
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Yes.
BRUCE BANNER: Oh, sorry.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: No problem. Just send in....

TRANSCRIPTION OF SESSION 5...SHE-HULK

DOCTOR KATZENBURGER:...She-Hulk on your way out.
The sound of someone standing up and walking out. The door opens and closes. The door opens again.
SHE-HULK: You wanted to see me?
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: But, of course.
SHE-HULK: Well okay, then.
The sound of someone sitting down.
SHE-HULK: Fire away.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: How do you feel about your teammates?
SHE-HULK: They’re a good bunch.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Spider-Man?
SHE-HULK: Funny guy.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Yes, and how about USAgent?
SHE-HULK: Moody, but a decent guy anyway.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Do you feel that he might hurt you?
SHE-HULK: Of course not.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Very well, how do you feel about Dr. Banner?
SHE-HULK: Bruce? Oh, I love Bruce to death.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Hmmm...
Notes being made.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: And Wolverine?
SHE-HULK: Great guy. Really sweet, although he’d hate to admit it.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Do you feel that there is any tension with you and anyone else on the team?
SHE-HULK: Like, how do you mean?
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Do you feel there are any unresolved conflicts or emotions?
SHE-HULK: Such as?
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Well, most of your teammates find you quite intimidating. You’re incredible strong as well as beautiful. Do you feel that you could be the cause of some minor conflicts.
SHE-HULK: Quite frankly, I don’t know where your heading with this. So, maybe you could be a little more direct.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: How do you think the team can cope with its love for you and have you work together as a team?
SHE-HULK: Love for me?
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Yes.
SHE-HULK: My teammates don’t love me, well, maybe they do but they are not in love with me. Get it?
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Do you know you’re an attractive woman?
SHE-HULK: I guess so.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Yes or no, please.
SHE-HULK: Yes.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: So, you like to flaunt your good looks?
SHE-HULK: No. Nothing like that. I just...
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: You just what? Wish to have your way with all your male teammates?
SHE-HULK: Of course not! How absurd!
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: So, you don’t find your teammates sexually attractive? Is that it?
SHE-HULK: Nothing like that.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: So you do find them sexually attractive?
SHE-HULK: It’s not quite like that either. Look, I’m not here to date. I’m here to lend a hand.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: Quite noble, Miss Hulk.
A long pause.
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: How would you react if I told you that a majority of your teammates referred to you as a whore or slut?
SHE-HULK: They did? Those little dirty bastards!
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: I never said they did, I said how would you react if I told you that they did.
SHE-HULK: You what? Who gave you the right to play with my emotions, anyway?
DOCTOR KATZENBURGER: You agreed to be psychoanalyzed before your membership could be considered for the team.
SHE-HULK: But I didn’t know what kind of a freak the doc was!
Sound of someone standing up and marching off. The door opens.
SHE-HULK: Thanks for your time, doc. I wish I could say that it had been fun.
Door closes.

---END OF TRANSCRIPTS---

Dear Mr. Hart,

Pending your orders I have performed a psychoanalysis on all of the perspective members of your team, the Defenders. I look forward to questioning the new recruits that you have lined up for me for tomorrow. I have decided to send you my reports on the heroes files thus far, of course this is only preliminary testing and nothing is definite yet nor can be until I have regular appointments set up.

Spider-Man: Defensive, probably due to J. J. Jameson’s articles forcing him to be on the run.
USAgent: A lot of deep anger for the man to work through. He also blames himself for all of the failed teams he has been on.
Wolverine: Tough to get a good read on, a loner. Be careful with him.
Bruce Banner: I thought you said that he was a hero. Well, since he has told me that he is only working for you as a scientist I will send his psyche file with the other scientists.
She-Hulk: A little promiscuous, might be down right nymphomaniac. I need more time before I can be positive, of course. It would be wise if you kept an eye on her.
Deathlok: He couldn’t make it today due to injuries, correct? I’d still like to see him. Perhaps you could send him in with the new recruits. If it doesn’t inconvenience you.

Until I have reason to write to you later,
Dr. Katzenburger

P.S. - The small boy you asked me to see, Randall, was a completely waste of time. He is stuck in a catatonic state due to odd mental impulses in his brain. I will continue to treat him.