I'm back.
And, I should hope, for good reason.
Things lately have been of a completely different nature than anything I've ever confronted before, and yet absolutely identical to every other situation I find myself in. One of these situations is ambiguity; I complain of contradicting things to myself and then I don't know what to think. But now I'm just being self-indulgent.
Seriously, I'm not quite sure what it is that's been bothering me, but I do know a few things for certain, several of which are really disturbing me. For one thing, I think I may be struggling with an inadequacy complex. Every time I do or think anything, I consider it foolish, but then decide that it's not so bad, and then that I'm being really childish. And after that, I usually abandon the whole line of thought as over-analytical, but I'm still left with the vague notion that I'm completely and utterly less than everyone around me. A good example of this is the Fourth of July party I attended. Very few of the people there were people I would consider good friends of mine, but I was fairly well-acquainted with many of them. The people who were setting up the party insisted I bring my unicycle and ride it while I was there, and that was just fine. However, as the night drew on, I began to feel like this was really the only way I could associate with anyone there--like a "one-trick dog." I knew this was dumb of me to think, but I couldn't help it. At the same time, I felt like I was thinking about my situation too much, and if I could just act naturally, everything would be okay. But for me, to look at the current situation from every viewpoint and criticize my own decisions is the natural course of action. Am I the only one who has such a hard time living with his own thoughts?
Funny, but I now recall that I was reading a book about a woman who did exactly the same thing--overanalyzed her situation--and I disliked the story.
This actually is not a new complaint. I've felt terribly inadequate pretty much since middle school. I try to reason with myself that this is not the case, but one part of me, let's call it my inner critic, always presents a watertight case against the positive reasoning. My inner critic's argument usually goes something like this: 1) physically, I'm not nearly capable enough; 2) mentally, I'm supposed to be a genius but my grades obviously disprove that belief; 3) socially, I'm inept, having never really developed the skill to make new friends, or even actively make new acquaintances; 4) spiritually, I'm sound, but nobody else seems to realize that; 5) professionally, I can't do anything, as I haven't even taken psychology yet and I intend to be a psychologist, and "Osco Associate" is not exactly a killer point on a resume; 6) artistically, I fail. I can't write a quality story for my life, my singing stinks, ditto for my acting, I can't play trumpet much better than an 8th grader, and 7) since I have an inferiority complex, how can I be emotionally on top of things? I've come to learn dearly that you can't be "pretty good at everything" and hope to have a positive mental attitude. You need some ability that is really outstanding, something that you can really call your own: my dad can survive in the wilderness with nothing but a pocketknife, my mom can whip virtually anyone in a casual game of racquetball, and my sister instantly dominates any artistic field she chooses to enter. Me? I get 34's on the ACT. Useful for making colleges interested, but when you get right down to it, it's not that helpful.
The last factor that affects my level of self-deprecation is also the most random; it is a factor that is the topic of discussion among gossip groups across the elementary schools. It is my crush. I don't know if I personally just have overactive hormones, or what the condition is, but I seem to really have these crushes often. This isn't the first time I've obsessed over her, but I don't think she's ever known. Her slightest unconscious action can inflate or drop my opinion of life for a week. And what am I going to do about it? There are some who would say that you cannot predict the future, because there are too many factors involved in any given situation to make an accurate appraisal; I should know, because I'm usually one of those people. In this instance, though, I know what I am inevitably going to do: absolutely nothing.
Another thing I've realized lately is that virtually every time I converse with one of my good friends, this person aggravates me. This person had a tendency to take my ideas and plans and try to convince me that they were impossible or dumb. I don't think that he/she meant to do it, but he/she did. What's worse, I usually forgot the reasons my ideas would work. This may not make sense, but it really upset me. For me, these plans were my dreams, and this person basically said "Yeah, that's a good idea, too bad it'll never work." When he's/she's not doing that, he's/she's unknowingly insulting me. If this person happened to read all the above, he'd/she'd say that "it's all in your head; you just want attention. Get over it." I know this, because that more or less actually happened. And, while yes, this is all in my head, I can't get over it. I know the truth, but I can't come to grips with it. What's worse, I really like this person (hence the anonymity), but I don't like to be around this person, because of these things. Such a situation.
I think I'm done writing bad things about myself for the night. There's more, but I'll save that for later.
| I've noticed entirely too often lately that I'm wallowing in my own self-pity. I suppose that everything here is only reinforcing that problem, but maybe that's not such a bad thing. |